a walk with You

The gift of receiving

2011-12-21T19:19:00.001+08:00

Christmas is often said to be a time of giving.

And so much of our time preparing for Christmas is spent searching and shopping for the best Christmas presents to give to others (or even to ourselves); giving our time and resources to the poor and needy through donations, home visits, or Christmas carolling; giving our time and efforts to God by preparing our hearts to receive Jesus through Advent reflections or the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
(usually in descending order of total time spent and number of us who actually do the above)

Yet, through my recent reflections on Christmas, I have come to discover that Christmas may not necessarily be a time of giving alone. Rather, before Christmas can be a time of giving, it must first be understood as a time of receiving.

The gift of receiving
During a recent mission trip to Cambodia, almost 300 of us, in the spirit of giving, spent much time and energy packing goodie bags for the poorer kids and villagers in Cambodia, giving lessons and medical care to the children in school, and doing hard labour for a Home for HIV kids. Whilst we could all be very proud of ourselves for the valuable resources we were giving to these villagers, I couldn't be more proud of the Cambodians for the even more valuable lesson that they taught me during my trip.

The people of Cambodia, ever since the Pol Pot communist regime some 30 years ago wiped out an entire generation that could have potentially led the country to becoming one of the most advanced countries in the world, now suffer in poverty of all sorts (food, shelter, education, job opportunities, money etc.) And so many of them, especially the children, would have spent their entire lives very dependent on external aid, receiving help from others through donations and other charitable and missionary activities.

Yet, as I observed through the children and adults of Cambodia, it is in their receiving much from others, that they have also learnt to give much more to others. The kids, while receiving our sweets and goodie packs, have learnt to also look out for others, from the way they point out to us any of their friends who may not have received their share, or to even go as far as to share their own gifts with their friends. Furthermore, after receiving so much from us, the kids go to the extent of writing letters of appreciation, go to great lengths to put up elaborate performances for us, and freely give us unconditional hugs that appear bigger than their sizes, warmer than the Cambodian heat. They have shown how despite (or maybe even cos' of) their poverty, they have become rich in generosity, appreciation, and care for others.

As I reflect back on the scene in Singapore, where 'poverty' seems such a foreign word, where we need not worry about a roof over our heads or the next meal we are going to receive, where we are so privileged to have abundant opportunities for studies and work that we can switch schools or jobs as easily as going without food for a day in Cambodia, where we are so used to our material comforts and having everything provided for us; it does seem that we are in a better position and capacity to give, especially to the 'less privileged'.

However, our ability to give (sometimes not from true generosity but from guilty excess) seems to also rob us of our ability to receive. Even with so much that we have received, we often take for granted and become unappreciative of what we have received in life, and end up wanting so much more of things that don't really matter. In our capacity to give, we more often than not give in to the demands and expectations of society that propel us to give so much more to our studies and career, at the expense of positive character building, our physical and spiritual health, and our spouse and children whom we have received but failed to cherish. Despite our capacity to give to others what we have received, we have somehow developed a culture of individualism, self-centeredness, man-for-himself attitude, better-than-thou mentality, that make us many times 'poorer' than the Cambodians in non-material ways. Even when we eventually decide to do something good for others, it can subtly be for our very own selves to feel good, to show others what great works I am doing for others, or even to earn brownie points from the Lord.

Receiving the Gift
"The angel came to her and said, 'Rejoice, full of grace, the Lord is with you... You shall conceive and bear a son and you shall call him Jesus... The Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you...' Then Mary said, 'I am the handmaid of the Lord, let it be done to me as you have said.'" (Luke 1:28-38)

We often honour Mary for saying "Yes" to God, for giving of herself and her whole life to God in order to be the Mother of Jesus, and to bring Jesus to the whole of humanity. Yet, while we honour her for her act of giving, what we may sometimes miss out is her act of first receiving from the Lord. Mary first received the fullness of God's grace, the gift of the Holy Spirit and the power of the Most High, before she proceeded to give of herself to God and to us. It was through her openness and willingness to receive much from the Lord that allowed her to give much to the Lord and to us.

This Christmas, before we get too carried away with our eagerness to give, perhaps it would be a refreshing and essential change to first ponder on how much we have received from the Lord. What has the Lord already blessed me and given to me during the course of this year, which I may not have even noticed or appreciated? How open and willing have I been to seek and turn to the Lord in order to receive much from Him? How much have I really received and understood the good news that Christ our Lord and Saviour has come into our world and into our lives in order to be the best Gift we can ever receive?

This Christmas, I am learning not to give much, but to first receive much. This year, I have received plentiful graces from the Lord that allowed me to not only accept but to be happy over the marriage of my ex-girlfriend. During the recent mission trip, I have received much more from the Cambodians than I have given - their smiles, their unconditional warmth and love, their virtues of generosity, care for others, appreciation for others, and so many more. This Christmas, instead of giving gifts to my family, I have decided to instead reflect on how much I have received from them, and thank them for all that they have given to me.

This Christmas, you too may like to do things differently. Instead of giving gifts, thank others for what you have received from them. Instead of giving time and material gifts to the poor and needy, receive from them valuable lessons that they can teach you. Instead of giving time to Jesus, ponder and discover how much more Jesus has given you, and wants to continue giving you throughout your life!

Once we realise and truly appreciate how much we have received, then can we begin to truly give worthily, joyfully, and lovingly.

So start this Christmas, cos' your ability to receive from someone with gratitude and appreciation could be the greatest gift to that someone. And your ability to receive much from Jesus may also be the greatest gift to Him this Christmas.

Star gazing

2011-11-29T18:03:00.001+08:00

Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"

Birds singing in the sycamore trees

Dream a little dream of me

(from 'Dream A Little Dream Of Me')

I used to love singing this song, especially with a loved one before me.
I also love star-gazing, and in the same light (no pun intended), especially with a loved one beside me.
Ever since I began this journey towards the priesthood, I am usually left singing songs to myself or star-gazing by myself. Yet, I still find considerable joy and delight in them.

5.02am. The sky was still dark as I walked down the covered walkway of the seminary, headed towards the chapel. I glanced to my left and noticed this bright speck of light above the horizon. I stopped in my tracks, amazed to see how unusually clear the sky seemed to be. I considered how I was already slightly late for my usual early morning holy hour with the Lord, but something prompted me to just take a step outside. Following my gut, I stepped out of the covered walkway and looked up. I was stunned. The sky was littered with glittering diamonds that shone so brightly. It was one of the rare times in Singapore that I ever got to see so many stars in such a clear night sky. It was truly a sight to behold.

It's been said that it only takes the smallest flame to light up the darkest room, the tiniest speck of light to lead to the furthest end of the tunnel. It is always amazing to see how the smallest events in life, often lead us to the biggest and most amazing changes of our life. It could be a friend's unexpected encouragement to apply for a scholarship on the last day of application, a girl you just happened to bump into on a mission trip, or a simple out-of-the-blue invitation to attend a retreat. And we can so easily just brush aside these chance encounters of the smallest speck of light above the horizon of our life, and walk on ahead as if nothing really happened. Or we can take notice of it, respond to it, and let that tiny bright star lead you to eventually being granted that scholarship which you initially never thought it possible, to getting attached to the girl of your dreams whom you never thought ever possible to meet, and to discovering your true vocation in your life that you once thought was never meant for you.

As I marveled at the sight above me, and felt the cool breeze brush against me, the song flowed into my head. It seemed like the perfect night. For I knew I was not alone in my stargazing. The Creator was right before me, His Spirit right beside me. I was finally stargazing once again with my One True Love. And as if things couldn't get any better, my One True Love once again exceeded my greatest expectations. While I gazed into the clear night sky admiring His sparkling jewels, a sudden flash of light bolted across the night sky for a split-second. I was literally star-strucked. I blinked my eyes in astonishment, while my mouth was left gaping. I was just blown away at having just witnessed the brightest shooting star I had ever seen in my life!

As I followed each of my tiny stars in life, and each time getting pleasantly surprised by what God had in store for me, somehow, God would make sure that there was plenty more to come. Even after getting my first scholarship from the firm in which I started my working career in, God showed me that He had something even better planned out for me in terms of a 'career'. Even after meeting the girl of my dreams, one that fulfilled everything I ever wanted in a life partner, God showed me that He had an even better 'spouse' planned out for me. Even now as I enter the early stages of formation for the vocation that God has revealed to me, today, through that shooting star, He assures me that greater things are yet to come. I only need to keep watching out for Him, to keep my eyes fixed on Him, to keep Star-gazing.

"The Father loves the Son and shows him everything he does; and he will show him even greater things than these, so that you will be amazed." - John 5:20

As we begin this season of Advent, we also recall how it was also one star that led the three wisemen to the greatest event of their lives - to see the Light of the world Himself. And as we recall our own tiny stars in our life that led us to the biggest changes in our life, we also need to recall the One who has been behind every one of those tiny stars, and reflect if there have been any other tiny stars in our life that we have failed to notice, or simply brushed aside as we walked our own way? Have there been signs that God has been placing in our lives that we are afraid to respond to, afraid to find out where it will lead us, afraid to have to give up what we originally planned to walk towards?

If the wisemen had not followed the star of David, they would not have found Jesus, and they would not have "returned to their home country by another way" (Matthew 2:12b), their lives totally transformed. If I had not followed the stars in my life, I would not have found Jesus, and have my life totally transformed by this new way of life that God has called me to. Be not afraid to follow your star, because you do not want to miss out on the most amazing plan God has for you, the most amazing life God has in store for you.

~~~~~

Advent Project 2011: STAY Awake!
If you'd truly like to follow the star in your life, this Advent Project may be one possible star that can lead you to God and His plan for you. It may seem like a small project, and you may not even see immediate results, but if you faithfully respond to His star, and patiently gaze upon it, you might just find yourself in for a big and pleasant surprise! So to find out more, click on: http://www.facebook.com/events/220968691309848/ and happy Star-gazing!

Gonna get married

2011-11-12T14:07:00.003+08:00

(in the background)
*snap*
*snap*
*snap*
*snap*

Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Gee, I really love you and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love
(from 'Chapel of Love' by The Dixie Cups)

I used to dream of singing this song with the girl of my dreams one day.
As it turns out, she'll be singing this song with another man, on this very day.
I knew this day would come, sooner or later.
I just didn't know how I'd be like on that fateful day.

Some years back, my call and desire for the priesthood often got tangled up with conflicting emotions of jealousy over couples and resentment over weddings. I'd grimace at the sight of couples, looking at myself as if I got the short end of the stick, and battle with memories and heartaches at weddings, wondering to myself why my life couldn't end up just like the rest of them.

But God took care of that.

As time went by in the seminary and as God continued to affirm me of my calling, healing took place and slowly I was better able to receive wedding invitations with genuine joy, whilst remaining genuinely happy with my own vocation. Still, it's one thing to accept that your friends are getting married, and a totally different thing to accept the marriage of the one you used to dream of walking down the aisle with, and of the man who is to take your place.

But God took care of that.

The Invitation
Firstly, in God's perfect timing, it was only after I received a deep healing experience at the Conversion Experience Retreat early this year which freed me from a lot of repressed hurt and resentment, that I then received her wedding invitation about a month later, which I surprised myself by taking it rather calmly, and found myself able to be happy for her, and to give her my fullest blessing.

The Departure
Secondly, as the day of the wedding was approaching, and while I was in the midst of deliberating whether to attend the wedding or not, for fear of what may happen to me on that very day, it so happened (of cos' I knew God was behind this yet again) that the seminary was to have a Recollection on the same weekend, which kind of 'solved' my dilemma. But what was more amazing was that on the Fri evening of the Recollection, we were shown a Japanese movie aptly entitled 'Departures'.

In the movie, circumstances caused a man to lose his dreams of being a cello player in an orchestra, and re-directed him to the discovery, and eventually a love for the job as an encoffiner (someone who performs the ritual of cleansing over the deceased), a job that is 'taboo' and looked down upon by others. I identified with it in the way God made me give up my dreams of marriage in order to discover a whole new vocation which I have come to love, and found myself so much more fruitful and happier - a vocation that 'nobody also wants'. Yet, in the movie, it pointed out how the role of the encoffiner was so essential and greatly appreciated by many families as it helped them in their grieving process; in the same way, I too have discovered how the priesthood is just as essential and instrumental in ministering to others and being the bridge for them to encounter God. What people go through in a lifetime, encoffiners and priests go through every other day, making that much a difference for the lives of many through their one single life.

Through the movie, it was also said that death is not the end, but a gateway to a new and different kind of life. From this, it assured me that I didn't really need to be there at the wedding for 'closure', cos' this is not the end. This day is but a gateway for her to live the new life God has planned for her in the vocation of marriage, just as it is a gateway for me towards the new life God is planning for me in the vocation of the priesthood. I believe our love for each other hasn't ended; it has only changed in the way we express it, this time by continuing to be spiritually present to each other's vocation in prayer and support.

The Break of Dawn
Thirdly, on the Sat morning of the Recollection, which is today, part of the Recollection was for us seminarians to take a walk towards Punggol End where we spent some time in meditation near the beach. Being a lover of nature, God allowed me to once again encounter the vastness and depth of His love and faithfulness through His creation. It was as if God was enveloping me and embracing me with the entire sight of His creation, giving me much consolation and assurance. What was even more amazing, was that just a few days ago, as I spent time praying for a biblical verse to give to the couple as my humble wedding gift, this was what I received from the Lord:

"Blessed is the man that trusts in the Lord,
and whose hope the Lord is.
For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters,
and that spreads out her roots by the river,
and shall not see when heat comes,
but her leaf shall be green;
and shall not be careful in the year of drought,
neither shall cease from yielding fruit."
(Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Along with the verse came an image of what appeared to be a sunrise, rising from behind a foliage of trees, casting its reflection over the still, peaceful waters below it, and lightening up the open sky in gradual tranquility. I shared this image with them as well, praying that their day of Holy Matrimony be a sign of new life, new beginning, where as the sun rises to light up the world, so too may the Son rise in their lives and light up their marriage, so that together as one, both may also rise together with Christ, and light up the world around them.

Today, during my morning walk and meditation, I saw the above verse and image come alive before my very eyes - an entire stretch of evergreen trees planted by the sea, its leaves vibrant green, its flowers and fruits abundant. To top it off, I too, saw the sunrise! It was as if the inspired verse and image that I gave as my wedding gift, was also meant for me to keep in my own path of life.

Looking back, I have come a long and difficult way to reach where I am today. And when I ask myself how was it all possible, I have come to realise that all this while, God has been teaching me a new song. A song that is new, not because the lyrics have been changed or that the melody is different. But a song that is now tuned to the mind of God and not of mine, pitched to the will of God and not of mine, and played on His terms and not on mine. And as I gradually and unknowingly began to learn this new song, not only have I learnt to appreciate this new song, I have come to actually embrace it and fall in love with it. For the beauty of the song lies not only in its perfect arrangement, but more so in the Person who sings it to me, and who invites me to sing it with Him. And once I begin singing this new song, I also begin to realise that I no longer desire to sing any other song, even those I once dreamed of singing.

Sing to the Lord a new song,
sing to the Lord, all the earth!
Sing to the Lord, bless his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
(Psalm 96)

As I look back even further to the very day I stepped foot in this seminary for my very first vocation retreat, where God distinctively called me to 'sell everything' and follow Him, where the desire to dedicate my life not just to my spouse but to the entire Church was so strong, I begin to remember why I was crying for the entire 3 days. I wasn't crying cos' I couldn't get married anymore. I wasn't crying cos' she may one day get married to another man. I was crying cos' I was in so much pain at the thought of having to disappoint her by having to end our relationship in order to follow my call. I was crying cos' I was in so much pain worrying if she'd ever find someone she could be even happier with.

But today, God took care of that.
As He always does.
Especially when we learn to sing His new song...

... in the chapel of love.

*snap*
*skip*
*snap*
*skip*
*snap*
*skip*
*snap*
*skip*

*jump with arms in the air*

What Kueh Lapis taught me about sin...

2011-10-21T16:21:00.001+08:00

During the seminary community's recent Educational Outing to the Bengawan Solo factory, besides gaining a full dosage of the rich, fragrant smell of cakes and kuehs the minute we walked into the building, besides gaining an insight to the company's humble beginnings and impressive business model, and of course besides gaining a little weight from the generous samplings of their goodies, little did I expect myself to also gain some beautiful insights from our little trip upon further reflection... especially when it has to do with a rather serious and unpopular topic: SIN.

The Process
While being taken on a tour of the factory and getting a chance to witness some of their kueh-making processes in action, one particular process that intrigued me was the way they made their famous 'Kueh Lapis' (layer cake). Before my very eyes, the chef would pour a thin layer of that sweet 'kueh lapis' mixture, comprising of butter, eggs and sugar, into a tray, before placing the tray on a conveyor belt where the layer would be steamed for an entire round until it returned for the chef to pour another thin layer of that sweet mixture. This process would be repeated for a number of times until the layer reached a certain height.

Similarly, whenever we receive the outpouring of God's sweet mixture of His grace, mercy and forgiveness, through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and after we pray the Act of Contrition, ending with the words "...I will not sin again", deep within our hearts, we know that we are really not quite there yet. In fact, very shortly after, we find ourselves having to go through another round of testing through 'fire' and steam, facing another round of temptations that often lead us back into committing the same sin yet again, and having to eventually return back to the Lord for another outpouring of His sweet forgiveness.

I often get very frustrated and upset with myself whenever I allow myself to get caught in this process of falling into the same sin over and over again. I used to even wonder if God would ever get tired of hearing my confessions, and if there was still any purpose in going in the first place, knowing how easily I might fall into the same sin again after that.

The Countdown
What I learnt from the chef, was that every 'kueh lapis' takes about 25 layers of that sweet mixture and 25 rounds of steaming before it becomes its finished product. That would mean that after 20 rounds of steaming, the chef would know that there would be 5 more rounds of steaming to go.

Supposing God, our all-knowing God, knows exactly how many times we would fall into the same sin, before we are to eventually break free from that sin. This would mean that for every sin we repeat, even after trying our very best to resist its temptation, it does not necessarily take us one step backwards in our journey towards God as many of us would think. It may in fact take us one step closer towards becoming the finished product that God intended for us to be, so long as we continue to return back to Him with contrite hearts for another sweet layer of His grace, mercy and forgiveness. Instead of feeling all guilty and upset for too long a time, I should take comfort that I am work-in-progress, and should not give up but continue to endure another round of testing and purification, and let God countdown towards our eventual completion.

The Necessary Step
In addition, I have also realised that the process of falling into sin in our lives, may not necessarily be an outright impediment or hindrance to our spiritual growth, as if it were a big fat juicy fly landing right into the 'kueh lapis' mixture. God can very purposefully make use of our experience of sin, and let it form part of the process of our spiritual growth, or even a necessary step in order for us to learn and grow into the person He intends for us to be. From my own experience, I have witnessed for myself how my constant struggle with sin keeps me humble before God, reminds me of the need to constantly depend on Him for strength, serves as a reflection as to how near or far my relationship with Him is, and also helps me be more compassionate towards others who also fall into sin.

The Anticipation
Lastly, just as a chef, while taking much conscientious care of every round of steaming and layering, would keep most of his attention (and excitement) to the final anticipation of eventually savouring his final product, or to let his customers finally have a taste of his remarkable pride and joy, so too will the God who made us, our Masterchef, while conscientiously watching over every round of steaming and layering in our lives with great care, would reserve His greatest excitement for the eventual day of anticipation, when after a much painstaking and ardous process, we would finally become the masterpiece that He intended for us to be, His pride and joy that He cannot wait to let the whole world have a taste of. And this is when we can meet the world's urgent appetite for God by becoming His powerful living testimonies of the Lord's goodness, love and mercy, where we may proclaim to the entire world, that whatever our God creates, His creation, especially those made in His image and likeness, it will always be made of the finest stuff that cannot bluff!

P.S. Enjoy your process...

Late for a wedding?

2011-08-26T15:36:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been invited to the wedding of a distant relative, an ex-schoolmate, or a colleague, whom you either realise it's been ages since you last seen or caught up with the person, or that you don't really know the person that well? Some clear indications of this include: you have no idea what the person is doing now, who could possibly be his soon-to-be spouse, or even whether he looks the same as before. Other less obvious indications include: you try to find out who else is going so you don't feel so out of place, you don't know (or maybe don't even bother with) what would be the most meaningful wedding gift for that person, and so resort to checking out which hotel is the wedding banquet to be held so as to determine the 'market-rate' without having to give too much (or too little just to save face) in your wedding ang pow. The last indication on the actual day of the event would be that you think you can afford to, or even make it a point to come late for the wedding banquet.

Yet when it comes to the wedding of your best friend, or a person whom you have known and treasured all your life, it would most certainly be a whole different story, wouldn't it?

Gospel Reading (Matthew 25:1-13)
Jesus told this parable to his disciples: ‘The kingdom of heaven will be like this: Ten bridesmaids took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were sensible: the foolish ones did take their lamps, but they brought no oil, whereas the sensible ones took flasks of oil as well as their lamps. The bridegroom was late, and they all grew drowsy and fell asleep. But at midnight there was a cry, “The bridegroom is here! Go out and meet him.” At this, all those bridesmaids woke up and trimmed their lamps, and the foolish ones said to the sensible ones, “Give us some of your oil: our lamps are going out.” But they replied, “There may not be enough for us and for you; you had better go to those who sell it and buy some for yourselves.” They had gone off to buy it when the bridegroom arrived. Those who were ready went in with him to the wedding hall and the door was closed. The other bridesmaids arrived later. “Lord, Lord,” they said “open the door for us.” But he replied, “I tell you solemnly, I do not know you.” So stay awake, because you do not know either the day or the hour.’

In today's Gospel reading, the five foolish bridesmaids arrived late and were 'locked out' of the wedding hall. They cried out to the bridegroom whom they knew as "Lord', but the Lord claimed that He did not know them. Did the Lord Jesus Christ, through Him all things were made, happen to forget five out of the gazillion number of people He created? Was it the stress of marriage that got into His head? Or did Mother Mary try to slip in 5 additional names in the guest list without His knowing?

I think what Jesus was trying to imply to the foolish bridesmaids, as well as to us, is that He can hardly know us if we hardly ever spend enough time getting to know Him. And if we had truly taken the time to get to really know and understand Him, our Lord and Saviour, who came down from heaven for us men and for our salvation, coming late for His wedding banquet would not ever be an option.

Jesus invites EVERYONE of us to His wedding banquet, and He definitely knows each one of us by name even before we were born. But do we know who He is, what He did for us, who He wants to make His Bride, and what would be the best gift He would want of us? Jesus has already made full payment for the entire banquet with His life, certainly much more than the 'market-rate'. All we really need to do is STAY AWAKE, and take the time and effort getting to know Him more each day, to truly understand how much He loves us, and maintain a familiar and loving relationship with Him, so that when the day and the hour we do not expect comes, we would most certainly be sensible enough to be ready and present at His wedding...

...with oil in our lamps of course.

Remove your sandals

2011-08-12T10:55:00.001+08:00

Whenever we decide to visit the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, do we ever realise or become conscious of the need to remove our footwear before stepping into the adoration room? Did it ever cross your mind what this simple gesture may actually signify deep within our hearts, even if it seldom registers in our heads?

"When the Lord saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush and said, 'Moses! Moses!' And he said, 'Here I am.' Then He said, 'Do not come near here; remove your sandals from your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground.'" (Ex 3:4-5)

In Jewish culture, to remove one's sandals before entering someone's house as a guest, is a mark of respect to the host. To simply walk into the house with your sandals on is seen to be imposing your presence upon the host, especially when sandals in those days made a lot of noise in the house, and could well disturb the host with your entrance (those of us familiar with flip-flops or stilettos will know what kind of irritating sounds it can make on hard floors). Instead, by removing our sandals before entering, we are humbly entering into the presence of the host, a way of submitting ourselves to the presence and hospitality of our host. In the passage above, God isn't concerned that Moses' sandals would ruin his newly polished clean floor (how much damage can Moses' sandals do when the area surrounding the burning bush is already covered with dirt and sand?) What God is really calling Moses to do is to humbly submit to His holy presence, to freely allow God to be the host of his life.

In the same way, whenever we remove our footwear before entering the adoration room, whether subconsciously out of habit or cos' a sign at the door warns us to do so, what our bodies are really telling or reminding our hearts, whether our minds are aware of it or not, is not to impose our presence onto the Lord with our entry, as if we were barging in with our long list of complaints and requests, demanding that God do something about it or give us what we want. Instead, our physical act brings our hearts to a disposition of submitting ourselves to the holy presence of the Lord, allowing God to take over and play host during our time of adoration with Him. (For those of us who can't seem to focus or concentrate during our time of adoration, or don't think we got anything out of it, this may be a good reflection as to who do we place in control of our time of adoration with the Lord? Do we come with expectations or do we simply allow God to serve us with whatever He knows is best for us?)

Yet, the adoration room isn't the only place we need to remove our sandals. Each time we adore the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, we are actually conditioning our hearts, whether we are conscious of this or not, to remain in this disposition throughout our entire lives, so that even after walking out of the adoration room, we may continue to submit our lives to the Lord, allowing God to be the host not only of the adoration room, but more so to be host of our lives. In this way, we learn to let go of our need for control, let go of our demands and expectations of God in our lives, and more freely and humbly let God be the God of our lives, trusting that the Host knows us so well that He knows what to serve us each time we submit into His presence every minute and everyday.

In this way, to adore the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament on a regular basis becomes more than a just a weekly obligation or religious practice or 'date' with the Lord. Rather, it will slowly become a way of life that allows us to experience for ourselves the other interpretation of God's command to remove our sandals - that once we are in His holy presence, there is no need to go anywhere else with our sandals on.

If you haven't already been regularly adoring the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, and now feel inspired to begin this 'way of life', visit our STAY (Simply.To.Adore.You) event page at http://www.facebook.com/?tid=1727617449962&sk=inbox#!/event.php?eid=184540564922206 to find out more details on how to STAY, and join hundreds of us who are committing (and sometimes struggling as well) to devote an hour (or less for beginners) each week to spend with the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Should you STAY with us, you will also receive inspiring quotes, reflections, testimonies, or sharings to encourage you to remain faithful in your STAY with the Lord.

So if you haven't already started, go find the nearest or most convenient adoration room around you, and enjoy your STAY under the loving Presence and hospitality of our Lord...

...but don't forget to remove your footwear first.

Find. Hide. Sell. Buy.

2011-07-27T16:36:00.000+08:00

"Jesus said to the crowds: 'The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field which someone has found; he hides it again, goes off happy, sells everything he owns and buys the field.'"

(Matthew 13:44)

I relate most to this first parable of today's Gospel reading when I 'stumbled' upon God's call for me to the priestly vocation during a diocesan vocation retreat 4 years ago. I remember staring at my 'treasure' in disbelief and shock, yet at the same time feeling as if the missing part of my life that I have been unconsciously seeking for all my life has finally been found. The joy was so great that till today, I still cannot believe how within the span of those 3 days of retreat, I was crazy enough to make that conscious decision to give up the treasure I thought I had found in the girl of my dreams, and to 'sell' away every dream and plan of a marriage with her, just to obtain the newfound treasure that God revealed to me.

But as I reflected upon the above verse again, what struck me was why didn't the guy just keep the treasure instead of having to hide it back in the field, then go through all that trouble selling everything in order to buy that field. Then the Lord revealed His hidden answer: that treasure would not be treasure if it weren't hidden in the field (the whole purpose of calling something a treasure, no matter what it may be, suggests that it has to be precious and hidden away to be found). Similarly, heat would not be heat if not hidden in fire; love would not be love if not hidden in a relationship; a gift would not be a gift if not hidden in the giver; and the kingdom of heaven would not be so if not hidden in God Himself. In order words, a treasure won't make sense without the field; heat without fire; love without a relationship; a gift without a giver; the kingdom of heaven without God; and in my case, my priestly vocation, or any other vocation of marriage or singlehood for that matter, will not make sense without the One who calls us to our personal vocation - Christ Himself.

Slowly, I realise how this explains why many times over the last 2 years of seminary formation, there are times I start to lose the 'thrill of the chase' (or in this case the 'thrill of finding treasure'). I start to gaze upon other fields and wonder if the treasure hidden in those fields would be even better. The same can be said for married couples who suddenly seem to lose their flaming passions for each other which were once evident in their courtship days, only to be reduced to a whimpering flame or even just a puft of smoke as the years go by. Or in the case of getting involved in a new minstry in church, charged with all the burning enthusiasm of going all out to serve the people of God, only to eventually lose steam, interest and worse, faith. During these moments, we begin to seek other fields for other hidden treasures, seeking one worldly field after another, finding AND losing one worldly treasure after another, to the point that we keep repeating this vicious cycle throughout our lives without realising that the only treasure that can truly satisfy us, is the one God gives us, but only if we know what's the best thing to do with it.

Whenever we think we have found the treasure of our life - the dream career, the dream partner, the dream church ministry, and even the well-discerned vocation in life - even if it were really true that God led us to finding these treasures, and that they were truly meant for us, it is when we fail to hide it back in the field and go through the ardous process of selling everything to buy that field, that the treasure eventually begins to lose its meaning, its purpose, and even its attraction. Whenever we merely grab our treasure upon finding it, clinging on to it in tight possession and even obsession, the treasure slowly becomes the 'curse' on our lives, like the treasure Indiana Jones grabs which then triggers the collapse of the whole temple, except that this happens very gradually and unnoticeably in our lives, until we realise it is too late to run.

Instead, today's Gospel reading challenges us to place our God-given-and-revealed treasure back into the Giver's hands, letting God be the one to safeguard it while we go through the long, painful, but worthwhile process of 'selling' away or purifying our impure motives, our mistaken preconceptions, our harmful attitudes, our painful past, our sinful inclinations etc - whatever that obstructs us from truly, personally and intimately knowing our True Giver, so that we may eventually embrace the Giver of our life, and in turn embrace the Gift or Treasure hidden in the Giver. Only then may we uncover the true joy of the Gift in and through our Giver, uncover the true joy of whichever vocation, spouse, career, church ministry, mission that God reveals to us in His time.

Indeed, Christ is not only the One who contains our treasure, reveals our treasure, and safeguards our treasure. Ultimately, He is the KEY to unlocking our treasure, the KEY to finding joy through our gifts, joy through our ministries, joy through our relationships, and joy through our life's vocation.

And each day as I remind myself to place my vocation in His hands, and manage to 'sell away' even just a tiny portion of what I cling on to that is not of Him, I 'gain' a little more of Him, who then so generously and lovingly grants me a moment of that Kingdom experience of His treasure, to the point that I not only desire to obtain the treasure, but begin to understand why I would want the whole field as well - why all I really want and need is Christ, my beloved Giver.

Do you see Me?

2011-07-22T15:18:00.001+08:00

Today, as we celebrate the memorial of Saint Mary Magdalen, have you ever wondered why she could not recognise the Resurrected Jesus the first time she saw him standing outside his tomb (Jn 20:14)? The same thing happened to two of His disciples who were on their way to Emmaus (Lk 24:16). And it couldn't be that they were seeing a ghost. Jesus appeared in boldily form such that Mary thought Jesus was a garderner, and the two disciples merely thought He must have been from out of town to not be aware of the recent happenings.

So what was it that held their eyes from recognising the Risen Lord? Did Jesus decide to have a brand new make-over to match His brand new Glorified Body? Or was the Risen Lord now clean-shaven and bearing smoother, whiter, glowing complexion?

Fr Lawrence Freeman, a Benedictine monk, mentions in his book 'Jesus the Teacher Within' that, "If Resurrection meant only the resuscitation of a corpse or if it was no more than a subjective 'psychological' event, then those to whom he 'appeared' in those Easter days would have had no difficulty recognising him."

The reason why Jesus' disciples couldn't recognise Him at first could also help explain why we ourselves have trouble recognising or 'seeing' Jesus in the Holy Eucharist, in the piece of bread or host which we are called to believe in faith to be the Real Body of Christ.

When Mary was asked by two angels why she was weeping, she answered, "Because they have taken my Lord and I don't know where they have put him." (Jn 20:13) It almost seems as if Mary was referring to Jesus merely as a dead corpse, a deadweight, an object that you could simply take away and put it wherever you like. If you think about it, don't we sometimes see or treat Jesus in that way, objectifying Him as if He were a 'lamp we would rub' whenever we need a favour from Him, a 'religious idol' with special powers if we touched it, or even like a pet dog just to make us feel good if we feel lonely or burdened (sometimes we even treat our pets better than our God). We seem to only take this 'god' only when we need him, then put him away when he has served his purpose for us.

When Jesus' two disciples were leaving for Emmaus, it wasn't because they decided they needed a vacation or a little field trip. It was because they were disappointed, crushed of their high hopes in a Messiah whom they envisioned to be a true warrior who would physically defeat their enemies and a true king who would physically lord over everyone on earth. Such is the image of 'god' we sometimes cling on to, expecting a god who would answer our prayers and show his mighty power by physically 'defeating' our enemies (like having our annoying colleagues and bosses in our workplaces suddenly terminated), physically removing ALL of our burdens and problems, and granting us to live in total material luxury and to be spot-free of all sicknesses and bodily defects.

When we see through the wrong pair of lenses, it does not mean what we don't see in front of us does not exist. What may be needed is to see what is before us with the right pair of lenses.

Jesus said to her, "Mary." (Jn 20:16) And Mary immediately recognised Jesus. By a simple act of calling her name, Jesus revealed a profound truth, the divine truth of God's RELATIONSHIP with Man, a truth that was sown deep within Mary's heart during her initial encounters with Jesus before His death. And Jesus' reminder of that truth prompted Mary to call Jesus in return, "Rabboni - which means, Master".

"When they were at table, he took the bread, said a blessing, broke it and gave each a piece. Then their eyes were opened, and they recognised him." (Lk 24:30-31) By the earlier breaking of the Word to the two disciples, and the final breaking of His Body before them, Jesus revealed the profound and divine truth of God's LOVE for Man, a truth that was sown deep within their hearts during the Last Supper, where Jesus revealed His love to the point of breaking and giving His entire self, Body and Blood, for our sake, in order to give us New Life. And it is this sacrifical love which Jesus calls us to do the same in memory of Him, that His disciples no longer expect mere earthly provisions from the Lord, but accept the divine truth that only in giving all, that one receives all.

The only way Mary and the two disciples finally recognised Jesus, was when Jesus revealed Himself to them, by revealing His love for them, reminding them how they are loved by Him, and reaffirming them of His relationship with them.

In the same way, we cannot merely 'see' Jesus from the standpoint of a third-party observer, the way we would see any other ordinary object or person. Neither should we expect to 'see' Jesus by clinging on to our own false images of God. Rather, Jesus reveals Himself to us not through our physical eyes, and not merely through physical, earthly provisions, but ultimately through our hearts that connects us to Him. To truly see Jesus in the Real Presence, is to enter into His love, to share in His love, and to see Him within a deep, personal and intimate relationship with Him. For the Glorified Body of Christ is more real and more alive than what we are commonly accustomed to, transcending our earthly reality and going beyond our intellectual mind and our five physical senses.

So let us learn from Mary Magdalen, that even when we think the Lord has left us or has been taken away from us, let us learn to let go of our false images and expectations of our God, to be open to His deep and faithful love for us, and to strive to enter deeper in our relationship with God. So that eventually, we may truly hear the Lord calling our name, reminding us of our relationship with Him, and inviting us to enter deeper into His love for us, so that we no longer try to 'see' Jesus as a by-stander or even as an outsider, but to truly SEE Him as His beloved.

Com-Passion

2011-07-15T12:33:00.004+08:00

In preparing for a talk on COMPASSION, I found out that the word is made up of 2 parts: (i) com: latin prefix meaning 'with'; and (ii) passion: 'to suffer'. And when you put them together, COMPASSION really means 'to suffer with'. Yet, very often we seem to mix up compassion with pity. When we see a beggar on the streets, or visit orphans or the intellectually disabled in the homes, we may pity them, feel sorry for them, but do we really feel compassion for them? I learnt about the difference the hard way, during my 1-month pastoral attachment to St Joseph's Home and Hospice last month.

Mdm Tan raised her hand and gestured towards me as she saw me passing by during my first day in the Home. In my eager enthusiasm, I approached her with a smile, and immediately Mdm Tan put out her little finger in front of me, prompting me to do the same. She then hooked her little finger around mine, and exclaimed, "Peng yu (friend in hokkien)." I was touched by this friendly gesture, at her immediate invitation to be her friend, and thought to myself how cool this little old lady was.

As the days went by, she continued to call out to me whenever I passed by, calling me "Uncle!" to get my attention. Though I usually get uneasy being reminded how old I am whenever someone calls me "uncle", for Mdm Tan, it didn't seem to bother me, but instead triggered me to eagerly walk up to her with a friendly smile and just spend some time with her. She only knew Hokkien, and with my poor vocabulary of Hokkien words, save for those picked up during my army days which aren't always applicable in this case, I could only manage simple phrases like "le jiak ba buay (have you eaten)" or "le ai kun bo (do you want to sleep)". But soon, I realised that I didn't really need to say much. Just sitting beside her and putting my hand on her arm just seemed enough for her.

But as days became weeks, my initial enthusiasm to show 'compassion' towards Mdm Tan soon grew into irritation and annoyance towards her incessant calling. Even if I were talking to other residents, or busy with other work, she would not stop blaring "Uncle!" until I came to her. Soon, that word "Uncle!" made me more than uneasy. It made me annoyed and angry, and I thought to myself how could she take advantage of me by always seeking my attention and not allowing me to tend to other residents. The crunch came when one fine day, even after having spent some time with Mdm Tan, another resident called out to me, and so I went over to tend to her. But just as I expected, Mdm Tan went into her "Uncle!" mantra, insisting that I not talk to the other resident but come to her. When I could no longer take her annoying mantra, I suddenly turned towards Mdm Tan, and without thinking, blasted her with a poor mix of whatever Hokkien and Cantonese words that came to my mind: "Wa um si le ge gou hor!" (what I meant to say was: "I am not your dog!") I guess I was just so fed up feeling like I was being treated like a dog that had to come to her beck and call each time she called out to me. As Mdm Tan looked at me in shock for awhile, and I too stood still in shock at what I just said to her, Mdm Tan finally broke the silence with a soft, gentle, non-demanding "uncle". Apparently that worked for her, but it didn't work for me.

After reflecting upon that incident, I became so ashamed at myself for what I had done to this sweet lady whom I once thought how cool she was when I first met her. I then began to realise what I was doing wrong all along. Each time I tended to Mdm Tan, I wasn't showing compassion towards her. I was merely pitying her, feeling sorry for her, placing myself up on a pedestral and merely helping her from above. That higher position soon gave me the apparent right to judge her and demand certain expectations from her, like how she shouldn't keep calling me all the time, or that she shouldn't be treating me like a dog. What I failed to do was what true compassion calls for, to go down to her level, to understand what she is going through, and allow myself to suffer together with her. When I started to place myself in her shoes, I began to realise she wasn't just demanding attention for the sake of treating me as a dog. What she was really struggling with deep within her was loneliness and insecurity. And she just needed someone beside her just to feel safer and less afraid of being left alone. When I was truly able to understand where she was coming from, I was able to throw away any expectations I initially had of her, and really feel her pain and suffer together with her. Of course, it didn't mean I had to stay beside her 24/7, since I had my duty to other residents as well, but this new revelation just made me respond differently towards her "Uncle!" Her calling became less annoying, and allowed me to just go over to her with a smile once again, and to calmly and gently explain to Mdm Tan that I needed to "chou kang (work)" and usually she'd be nice enough to let me do so.

Compassion is more than just donating food, resources or money to feed the poor, clothe the naked, or give a home to the homeless. It really requires us to humble ourselves and to go down to where the needy are at, to understand their situation from their point of view, and then to share their suffering with them, providing our understanding, support and presence that will mean far greater than any food supplies or resources given to them. Compassion is also not just limited to the physically poor and homeless. It also applies to our family members, colleagues, bosses, church members etc whom we may have constantly judged and criticised and fallen out with, but just failed to go down to their level and understand where they are coming from, understand their situation, and to make that compassionate attempt to suffer with them, before knowing how better to respond and feed them with the love, understanding, and acceptance that they have been hungering for.

"Be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate." (Luke 6:36)

There are many examples in the bible showing us how compassionate Jesus was towards His people. The bible tells us very often how Jesus was "moved with compassion and touched their eyes. Immediately they recovered their sight and began to follow Jesus." (Matthew 20:34) "As Jesus went ashore he saw a large crowd, and he had compassion on them for they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began a long teaching session with them." (Mark 6:34) Yet during my reflection, I realised what God's greatest act of compassion was for His people. And I give credit to Max Lucado whose book 'The Nextdoor Saviour' led me to the following insight.

Imagine if a stray kitten came up to your door one day. It's fur is ruffled and dirty. It purrs in hunger and with a great longing for a place to stay. And so, out of compassion, you decided to bring the kitty into your home. You give the kitty a nice, clean bath. You bring out a saucer of milk for the kitty to drink. And maybe you even go the distance to prepare a little basket for the kitty to sleep in. BUT, would you be willing to turn yourself into a kitten as well, to accompany the kitten? Would you be willing to also drink from a saucer, reduce your extensive and colourful vocabulary of words into a purr, sleep in a basket, and entertain yourself with maybe a ball of yarn? I doubt it.

But Christ did it. From the highest heavens and sitting on His heavenly throne, God didn't just pity us humans from up above. God didn't just cleanse us from our dirty sins with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. He didn't just feed us with heavenly food in the Sacrament of the Eucharist. He didn't just prepare a room for us in His heavenly kingdom. He BECAME one of us! He gave up His divinity to share our humanity. He reduced His bed of gold and pearls to a manger in a stable. He lived like us, and grew up like us. He ate our food and He spoke our language. And most of all, He didn't just suffer with us. He suffered AS one of us. And even took on the highest form of suffering, so that He could truly say, I KNOW your pain, I KNOW your frustrations, I've been there and done that, and yet I AM here with you and for you.

Tell me if you can think of any other higher form of COMPASSION.
Tell me if you still doubt God's love for us.
Tell me if you wouldn't want such a God in your life.

Cos' I can't do it. And I just hope we can all learn to be truly compassionate, just as our Father is totally COMPASSIONATE towards us.

Hard to say goodbye

2011-07-01T17:36:00.001+08:00

As I made one final round through the familiar corridors and took in every familiar sight, smell and sound that had grown onto me with each passing day, I could not help but feel that a part of me had also grown fondly attached to the place that turned my fears into friendships, uncertainties into memories.

A month ago when I began my pastoral attachment at St Joseph's Home and Hospice, I faced one of my greatest fears - ministering to the elderly and the sick. From young, I was never close to nor comfortable engaging with my grandparents nor relatives. I was simply satisfied being the grandson or nephew whom they would ask to finish up all the leftovers at every family meal, since I was still a 'growing boy' back then - something I no longer wish to be at this age (and my cassock has been fittingly tailored to remind me of that). It also didn't help that for the most part of my years of service in church, I either served amongst peers or ministered to the youths of the parish. And so it seemed a daunting task for me to have to face the elderly and the sick, let alone try to communicate with them in my limited vocabulary of dialects, or to know how to engage them in other non-verbal ways.

To the residents who were still sound of mind and speech, I prepared them for my departure, thanking them for letting me into their lives and for the lessons they have taught me, and promising to return whenever I could. To the ones who could hardly speak, I held their hands and looked into their eyes, as they seemed to also look into mine with a quiet knowing, and a quiet understanding as I told them to take care and to keep strong, before saying a prayer for them in my heart.

Yet, after completing this 1-month attachment, I look back at this one month that has flown by as fast as a resident can hide her medicine in tissue paper when the nurse isn't looking, and I am totally in awe and amazed at how the Lord has not only broke down my barriers of fear and doubt, but allowed me to experience the elderly and the sick in such new and profound ways, that I find myself truly missing them, and feeling that a part of me has also been left with them.

As I made one final scan across the hall, stopping momentarily at faces who have made such an unexpectedly deep impact in me, I gave in to a slow and deep sigh. Even if I were to comfort myself that I would still be coming back every alternate Saturday for the rest of the year, I knew it just wouldn't be the same. Journeying with each of them daily in such deep, personal and sometimes intimate ways have made them somewhat like family to me, and me, family to them. And that just makes it hard to say goodbye.

Harder to say goodbye
As I walked into the funeral hall and stared at the younger, prettier photograph of the resident I recently got to know, I still could not believe that the lady lying down before me was the same lady I was feeding just about a week ago. Her stillness was a stark contrast to the way she used to playfully touch my face or pinch my cheeks while I was feeding her. She was one of the few who first made me so comfortable being among the elderly and the sick, for she sure didn't behave so. She was often sprightly and cheerful, and active, always wanting to touch my face, which I did let her touch, along with my heart.

After the first week of my pastoral attachment in the aged side of the Home, I was attached to the Hospice side in the second week. That was where I faced my second difficultly - facing death. Since young, I've only had to face two deaths in the family - my grandfather who passed away within a month or so after he chose to enter hospital on a day when he knew all relatives and friends would be able to visit him - the first day of the lunar new year; and my grandmother, whose death was so sudden I did not even get the chance to say goodbye.

I saw him lying uncomfortably on his bed, his legs contorted in an awkward angle, his breathing heavy and irregular. I was asked to help out with a sponge bath for him. I mechanically followed the instructions of the nurse, as if it were no different from bathing a resident in the aged side during my first week. It was the same when I was asked to feed him. I saw how much difficulty and discomfort it took for him to eat, but thought nothing much of it. I only thought I should remain patient with him. I only thought I should attend to his every request for water or fruit juice, as I would with every other resident. I just didn't think that he was going to die so soon.

It was only after being shown the movie based on the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie' during our hospice attachment that the question dawned upon me: What if it were my dad lying on that bed? And that was when I realised the severity and importance of what I was doing for the residents in the Hospice. And that was when I felt ashamed of how mechanical and functional I was, indifferent to the inevitable which we never dare face, obscured by the prevalent thought that we still have time, that it will never happen so soon. But that's when I realised, no matter how hard we try to resist, deny or fight against, death can happen sooner than we expect it, sooner than we want it, sooner than we are willing to accept it.

She was only in her 40s, with only one teenage son. Yet she only had months to live from the growing cancer within her. And I felt helpless. I wanted so much to change my attitude this time round. I wanted to do something more useful to help make things better or even turn things around. But eventually, I felt useless. She was not ready to face it. I was not ready to accept it. I gave a self-help card on how to deal with self-negative thoughts and to empower oneself. But she didn't 'have time' to read. I photocopied a story about a boy wih cancer who eventually found purpose and meaning from his condition, which I wished the same for her. But she didn't seem interested. Finally, I gave up. Gave up trying to 'solve' the problem when it just isn't simply a problem to be solved. Gave up trying to DO something just so I don't feel so helpless or useless. What I received instead, was the lesson on how to simply accept and embrace the situation, and how to give my presence and support instead.

Helplessness is a feeling I grew more used to during my attachment. Each day when faced with the tragedies and life-threatening situations of these residents, each day when dealing with questions of 'why them?' or 'why so young?', each day when thrown with the urge to DO something, I have slowly learnt to accept feeling helpless. From that acceptance, I have begun to realise that separation, be it in the form of physical death, or all other forms of detachment, are not mere 'problems' to solve, not mere 'questions' to try to seek a satisfying answer to. End of the day, 'death' in all forms are merely meant to lead us somewhere. Death does not have the final say. It only points us to life. And when we can be open enough to accept 'death', we learn to discover the fuller life that it means to point us towards.

When I received the call from my mom and heard what she had to say, I was stunned for awhile. I repeated what she said in disbelief, and my mom's confirmation gave me another blow in the heart. My mind was in a whirl as flashbacks of 'Po po' were intertwined with details of her death and instructions to join my family at the mortuary. 'Po po' used to look after me ever since I was little, while my parents were at work. She'd be the one to walk me to school, prepare my meals, and make sumptuous snacks like dumplings or love letters. And yet, I knew I was guilty of not visiting her often enough during the last 10 years of my life ever since I went army and no longer went to her place for meals that often. Guilt began to grow in massive proportions in my heart, along with cries of hate and disbelief why I never got the chance to even say goodbye to her! If only I could turn back time and...it was a problem with no possible solution. Why did she go so suddenly...it was a question with no satisfactory answer. All I could do was sit, mope, wait...and eventually accept that I was totally helpless in this predicament.

But as the days went by, I began to learn how 'po po' wanted a sea burial so that she wouldn't trouble people to have to physically visit her at the crematorium to pay their respects every year. She insisted the funeral wake be kept to 3 days so as not to trouble people once again. I even learnt that after my mom told her of my decision to join the seminary, she flipped and made a huge fuss about who's going to look after my parents and why can't I simply just get married like everyone else does, and wanted me to see her so she can talk to me. But a few days later, she did not pursue the matter anymore, as if it were her silent consent which for me, displayed her love and affection for me, even after all these years, even after the last 10 years of my neglect.

Death wasn't the final say. In fact, her physical death on earth gave me new life on earth. Her example of selflessness and thoughtfulness remains etched in my mind and actions. Her silent consent for me to join the seminary gives me greater encouragement and motivation. And somehow, I know she is in heaven watching over me and praying for me every single day, wanting very much for me to have the fuller life God wills for me to live. Now I realise, that I didn't need to say goodbye. Cos' she was never really gone. Her death merely gave me a new direction how to continue living my life, and by holding on to the lessons that her death brought me, it was a way of keeping her close to my heart.

~~~~~

Just as a wilting leaf eventually separates itself from its branch, falls gently onto the soil beneath, and dies and decomposes to bring fresh nutrients and newer life to the tree from which it came from, so do the many people in our lives whom we may have had to say goodbye to, whether permanently or temporarily, bring fresh lessons for us to lead us to a fuller life. Love is stifled when held on to; but love grows abundantly when allowed to be let go.

I pray that in our moments where we may have to possibly leave a loved one in whatever circumstances, and face the urge to 'solve the problem' or 'find an answer to the question', we may instead learn from the instructions of Jesus made to Peter, James and John at the Garden of Gethsemane before His pending death: "Stay here and keep watch with me." (Mt 26:38) Only when we can simply stay in the midst of the situation, embracing it without denial or retaliation, can we slowly watch how God slowly but surely transforms death into new life.

Living with the Dying

2011-06-09T12:09:00.006+08:00

Since the start of June, I began my 1-month pastoral attachment to St Joseph's Home and Hospice. I stay-in together with the residents, sleep on the same 'hospital bed' as the residents - albeit in a separate room, get bitten by the same red ants that also keep some residents awake at night, and hear the same shouts and screams of some other residents in the middle of the night. Each day, I bathe them, dress them, feed them, and spend time talking to them - or sometimes hear them ranting instead. Almost all of the residents are wheelchair-bound or bed-bound. About half require assistance for almost every simple basic task. A small number are merely and most unwillingly counting their last days. After about a week of interacting with the residents, I have observed 2 broad categories of residents.

The Living Dead
These are the ones I feel very helpless towards. Apart from being given a bath and being fed, they spend the rest of their day sitting listlessly and staring into space. Boredom creeps into their very souls and taunts them every now and then until they become a permanent fixture in their everyday life. Those who can talk share hopelessly about their previous state of life, the things they used to be able to do and control, the career they used to be able to gain wealth and pride with, the food and independence they used to be able to enjoy. Yet, given their current state of life, they sink into depression and resignation, not knowing how to go on from here, and eventually lose all sense of meaning and purpose in living. The worse are the ones deprived of love, care and regular visits from their family members, simply left all on their own with only their pain and sorrow of isolation and desertion to accompany them with every excruciating passing minute. The most painful to watch, are the ones with fear of death in their eyes that remain widely opened for fear that closing them may be the last action they ever get to do. Every moment they lie in denial and resistance, insisting to feed themselves when they no longer have the ability to, wanting to cry but refusing to carry it through. Though I see the staff and volunteers making every effort to give them some form of human dignity - such as combing their hair, cutting their nails, giving them wallets to keep in their pockets - and spend time talking to them, joking with them, or simply being present to them, it still stings me to see them in such a lifeless state.

The Dying to Live
Yet, it isn't all doom and gloom in the Home. There is another group of residents who somehow have been able to spend their days not only meaningfully but joyfully, to the point that they become the ones who sometimes 'minister' to me and bring me joy and hope. Just to point out 3 examples:

The first cheerful resident I was introduced to was an orphan at a very young age. She was taken care by the religious sisters and stayed with them for the most part of her life. Though she can walk, she has very poor eyesight that does not reach beyond her outstretched arms, and is hard of speech and hearing. Yet, every morning without fail, she walks into the chapel - or feels her way through more like it - and faithfully closes the windows or sometimes cleans them as a personal duty that she has adopted out of her own generosity. Each time you reach out to touch her, her failing eyes burst open as she throws this huge megawatt smile into your face that just melts your heart. And she most enjoys communicating with people when you trace out letters into her palm while she does the same to your palm in response.

The next uncle that amazes me may be in a wheelchair, and is also hard of speech and hearing, but he faithfully spends every day going through his own 'stations'. 4 times a day - or sometimes more - he would pray before the statue of Mother Mary with tightly clenched fists and deeply focused eyes, before adopting the same posture in front of a picture of Jesus, then followed by other statues of saints in the Home. Sometimes, you even see him in front of fishtanks or birdcages as if he were keeping them company by talking to them. Then, if you happen to pass him by and wave to him, he bursts into his own megawatt smile and excitedly makes small talk with you through simple gestures that makes it look like you just made his day.

Another astounding resident is wheelchair-bound and unable to speak, and whose contorted body and face requires others to feed him. Yet, he makes it a point to drink water on his own, carrying each glass with weak but determined fingers, lifting it up as he bends his head awkwardly backwards so as to pour water precariously into his gaping mouth that at times overflows and sends streams of water flowing down his neck. Yet, he appears unfazed and remains strong-willed and happy drinking on his own. He also loves having conversations with people, listening to others talk and then responding by spelling out words through patiently pointing letters one at a time printed on a card on his lap. He often asks me to take him on evening walks where he would asks questions about life and God, and often gets very excited and jolly when I make a joke or say something very encouraging and positive. He shares his fear of dying, but allows himself to be encouraged when I reassure him of God's presence and providence in his life.

These are just few of the many whom I see God working powerfully through them, making them powerful witnesses and 'prophets' of how we ought to live life, and more so how we often fail to live life even when we may be physically healthy.

The question that remains on my mind is what makes these 2 general groups of people so different despite the similar circumstances that they are all living - or dying - in?

"Learn how to live, and you'll know how to die; learn how to die, and you'll know how to live"

I got the chance in the Home to watch a movie based on Mitch Albom's book 'Tuesdays with Morrie', and one of the things that struck me in the movie was the above quote in bold by Morrie Schwartz, a school professor who gave his famous last 'lecture' on how to live, while he was dying. And how glaringly true his quote became as I reflected on the residents above. Yet death is a topic we are often unwilling to face or even think about. But the consequences have now become more real and alarming than I ever realised.

But how then do we learn how to live and die? I reflected on this question during my quiet prayer time, and soon the life, and death, of Christ our Saviour came to mind. Jesus first spent His life walking His talk by living out His 2 commandments for us which simply put is: Love God and neighbour. We see the love and trust He had for the Father, and the love and compassion He had for His people in His days on earth. Every moment of His life was centered upon God the Father, and focused on living for the people, not for Himself. And through the way He lived, He re-emphasized it through the way that He died - in total surrender, trust and faith in the Father's will, and in total self-giving love for the world. And through His death, He brought about New Life, for Himself in His resurrection, and for us, if we are to accept it, and live it.

The question that remains for each of us is: are we willing to learn how to live, so that we may be prepared how to die? Are we willing to think about death and learn how to die, so that we may be more equipped on how to live? We can always choose to continue living life the way we want, acquire the things in life we want, control the things we want, and enjoy the things we want. But will we ever be prepared for the day that may come at any point of our God-given life that may leave us helpless, hopeless, and eventually lifeless? If not, now may be the time we start thinking about death, and prepare for it, so that when we start to learn how to love our God and trust in His providence and will, and learn to live life meaningfully out of true, selfless love for others, the day may come when we may be physically deteriorating, and physically dying, yet we may continue to find joy, peace and meaning in being loving and life-giving in whatever small way possible, and spend every last days of our life...

...DYING TO KEEP LIVING!

Surprise Party

2011-05-16T15:27:00.001+08:00

“Do you trust me?”

This seems to be the question God continues to ask me throughout my vocation discernment journey.

If you’ve ever planned a surprise party for someone, especially someone truly important and special to you, you know you would create the best possible plan ever and make the most amazing party arrangements just to give that person the time of his life. And once you’ve prepared everything, just before you lead that special someone to your surprise party, you would blindfold him, and whisper into his ear, “Do you trust me?”

God did that to me 4 years ago. That was a time when I had a secure and promising career in a top accounting firm, and was blessed with a beautiful, Christ-loving girlfriend who was everything I ever wanted in a lifetime partner for marriage. I thought I had everything I could ever ask for. But God knew better. With a grin on His face, He blindfolded me and prompted me to attend my first Diocesan Vocation Retreat. Initially, I was apprehensive, especially when I couldn’t see what was ahead of me. Then God whispered into my ear, “Do you trust me?”

During the retreat, God then lifted up my blindfold a little, and gave me a sneak preview of what was ahead of me. As I learnt more about the priesthood, my eyes were opened to a whole new way of life, one where I was actually attracted and inspired to boldly lay down my life not just for my spouse, but for the entire Church! Of course, under the blindfold, I was also crying profusely at the thought of having to leave and disappoint my girlfriend then. But God whispered into my ear, “Do you trust me?”

4 years later, I can now share this testimony only because I answered, “Yes!” And I’m here to tell you, that God’s vocation for me has so far been the most amazing surprise party of my life! Throughout my party, one pleasant surprise after another keeps coming up, and the Party Planner, God Himself, has shown that He can never be outdone in faithfulness, generosity, and surprises!

Firstly, every struggle, pain, obstacle and worry that I had to deal with in responding to my call, was taken care of one after another over time. My ex-girlfriend was blessed with another God-loving man; my family has been well taken care of; and my resentment and jealousy towards couples have been healed. All of them now join me in my party with their full support and blessing, and that has meant the world to me.

Secondly, never did I imagine how much closer I could get in my relationship with God. The more I trusted Him, the more the Lord revealed Himself to me in ways so personal and deep that it has brought me tears of joy many times. Through this relationship, I no longer need to see what is ahead of me with my eyes, but have learnt to let the Lord take me by the hand, and simply see the Lord’s providence, goodness and love with my heart, trusting Him to lead me every step of the way to the greater things that lie ahead of me.

Thirdly, I have met so many people whom God has brought into my party, and have witnessed and been affirmed of how the Lord has been using me to make such a deep impact in their lives that I am just astounded and filled with so much joy when I see these people filled with the same joy and love that I have experienced from the Lord!

Our God-given vocation in life is not something to be fearful of. Whether priesthood, religious life, marriage, or single life, all these vocations are meant to be a party! - a celebration of God’s love for us! But it is not just a celebration for us alone. Our vocation also affects the lives of many out there whom God has brought into our surprise party, people waiting for us to answer our call and appear at our own surprise party, so that they too can receive blessings and love and joy from God through the living out of our own vocation. Our one choice whether to trust in the Lord’s plan for us, can determine a lifelong celebration for thousands, including ourselves, or turn us into a party pooper, and leave many disappointed and deprived of a celebration.

Today, I pray for those of you who have yet to find your vocation in life, or may already have some promptings but are still fearful of proceeding blindfolded. Be assured that God has already made all the necessary and awesome preparations for your surprise party. On top of that, He has brought in all the necessary people who shall support you in your journey, as well as all the people whom He wishes to bless through you. God is not asking you to jump off a cliff blindfolded. He only asks that you trust Him one small step at a time. All you need to do, to enter into the biggest party of your life, is let the Lord blindfold you and take you by the hand, and respond positively to Him when He whispers into your ear, “My Beloved, do you trust me?”

My Security Blanket

2011-04-08T12:15:00.002+08:00

...of Past
I'm sure many of us are familiar with security blankets. Linus, one of the Charlie Brown characters, had one. And I had one, when I was still in my pre-school years of course, and it took the form of this tiny - I suppose at that time it would've seemed comfortably huge for me - almost-melts-in-your-hands ultra soft pillow with a bright lime green extra silky pillow case to complete the ultimate security blanket! For a 3-year old, that is.

And I'm pretty sure we're all too familiar with that fateful, devastating day when our parents try to REMOVE that 'security blanket' from our lives, and how we would painstakingly fight tooth (whatever milk teeth that was protruding out of our bright pink gums) and nail (which probably tickled more than it clawed) in order to resist having our life-source being pried out of our tightly clenched (not to mention, soft and tiny) hands which were determined to claim a permanent hold on what our parents seemed to think was 'no longer right for our age'. We would turn a deaf ear to "You're a big boy now, you don't need this anymore" or "Mommy will get you something better okay?" until the day they sneak up from behind us while we were sleeping and steathily slip that 'security blanket' from right under our noses, leaving us crying and ranting and burying in sorrow and grief for days, before we finally realise the truth of our parents' words, and allow the reality of better things that do eventually come our way - whether it be nintendo gameboys or barbie dolls - sink into our minds and hearts with peace and joy.

But somehow, even after the age of 5, we begin to learn that security blankets don't only come in tiny, bright green silky pillow cases, and that's when we begin to lay our hands on other forms of security blankets.

...of Present
During this morning's adoration before the Blessed Sacrament, I was reminded of the day when my 'security blanket' got 'taken away' from me, at the age of 23. Truth be told, my 'security blanket' actually literally walked away from me, or walked out of our almost 3-year relationship, and that's when I thought my whole world came crashing down. And believe me, I did try to fight tooth (with a permanent set of adult teeth this time) and nail (clean-cut no doubt) to get her to stay, but she was as firm and decisive as my parents were 20 years ago, and soon I had no choice but to allow her to slip out of my life in broad daylight.

The days that followed were just as painful, if not more intense and unbearable. I turned a deaf, or maybe just doubtful ear to people's comfort and assurance of "better things to come", or of "open your hands and let her go, and God will place something better into your hands". And I soon became a foot-stomping, lips-pouting, arms-crossing defiant 'kid' angry at God for taking away the love of my life (this would not be the ONLY time as some of you may know).

The irony of it all was that because she was in the same church AND church choir as me, after every Mass that we sing for, instead of joining the rest of the choir for breakfast as we would normally do, I could not bear the sight of her which tore open my healing wounds all over again, and so could only run straight to the only hiding place I knew week after week - the adoration room, where the One whom I blamed for this painful turn of events lay waiting for me week after week, but somehow gave me less pain and sorrow compared to the sight of my ex-girlfriend.

And that became the beginning of my slow but gradual realisation of the truth behind my friends' words of comfort, and more so the truth behind my Father's words: "For my plans are not to harm you, but to prosper you, to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) For the more I spent time with the Father week after week, the more I found healing from the 'sword that wounded me', and the more I realised that the reason why my Heavenly Father HAD to pry my girlfriend out of my life, was truly so that He could give me something better, something I truly needed more than what I thought I wanted to keep. And it was only through that painful tearing away of my earthly 'security blanket' - the one I thought I could never live without - that made me discover God's greatest gift of all that nothing else could replace, the gift of Himself as my eternal security blanket. And that became the beginning of a deeper, personal, intimate relationship with God my Father, as well as the start of my love for adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, which until today, has become an essential part of my life that I will never be willing to part from, and this will be the only Security Blanket in my life that will never be taken away from me, unless I personally choose to give it up.

...and Future.
During this season of Lent, as we personally choose to fast or pry ourselves from some of the earthly attachments of our life, hopefully with the aim and growing reality of making space in our hands and in our hearts to claim in a tighter embrace our true and eternal Security Blanket in Jesus, given to us by our loving Father, it is also a time to allow the reality of the fleeting, uncertain and temporal lifespan of our earthly security blankets sink into our heads and hearts with greater conviction. Whether it be material possessions, social status, career achievements, or even the God-given people in our lives whom we truly love, these will one day be slipped out of our hands from right under our noses any day, any time. And while these may bring joy and happiness to us for as good as they remain in our lives, we may begin to realise the greater and more urgent need to start making space to find greater, deeper and more permanent solace, refuge, comfort, and eternal security in Christ alone which will then last forever. And the more we are able to embrace our eternal Security Blanket with tightly-clenched hands and seek a more permanent attachment and dependence on God alone, the more we shall soon see that there will no longer be any real need for the earthly security blankets that we try to cling on to for dear life.

Project STAY - Simply.To.Adore.You (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=553473474#!/event.php?eid=184540564922206) a recently-inspired Lenten facebook project that began this year, aims to help people remove their earthly security blankets, by committing to spending at least an hour each week before the Blessed Sacrament, anyday, anytime, anywhere, offering us an opportunity to discover the peace, comfort, gentle assurance, and loving security found in the Security Blanket in Christ, so that we may not just learn to embrace Christ as our Security Blanket more and more, but more importantly and necesarily to allow Christ to embrace us and wrap around us with His faithful, everlasting, ever-merciful and forgiving love. If you are interested, it is still not too late to join us by clicking on the above link for further details. Testimonies of others who have had been touched by God through this project may be found on the event wall.

"Jesus stopped and said, 'Call him.' So they called the blind man saying, 'Take heart. Get up, he is calling you.' He immediately threw aside his cloak, jumped up and went to Jesus." (Mark 10:49-50)

Jesus is calling you today, to take courage, and be willing to throw aside your cloak, all your 'security blankets' that blind you from the One who offers permanent and eternal security, and to jump towards Jesus with outstretched arms, embracing the very Security Blanket that threw aside His divinity just so He can jump towards you and receive your embrace. And when you can find total comfort and security in that life-giving and permanent position of embrace, there will be no need of anything else that you will ever want to lay hands on.

Butterfly Wings

2011-03-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

This morning's Holy Hour with the Lord presented me with an image of myself curled up in the huge, comforting hands of God. He cupped me so tenderly in His hands as if to protect me from danger, and keep me safe from harm, allowing me to seek refuge in His loving hands, and be unconcerned with the storms of the world outside, at least even if for just that time of adoration with Him.

Then the image progressed where I saw myself turning into a cocoon, all wrapped up in silk, still cupped in my Father's hands. As I struggled to free myself from the silky threads, it reminded me of the unwanted struggles I faced in life, along with the frustrations, resentment, and anger that brewed within me when I felt as if I was trapped and unable to free myself from the undesired circumstances that bound me together. What I never realised till I saw this image, was that all this time while I was struggling, I was still cupped in the safe hands of God. Even while I was struggling through life and felt as if God was so far away, I was actually still in His hands, where He continues to watch over me, protect me from unnecessary danger, and only allow that level of struggle that was sufficient enough to help me grow in strength, patience, and perseverance.

As I learnt from the famous story of a man trying to cut open the cocoon in order to 'make things easier' for the butterfly to come out, the restricting cocoon and the struggle to get out of the cocoon was a way of forcing fluid from the body into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once that was achieved. Without the struggle, though the butterfly may emerge from its cocoon more easily, it would be left with a swollen body and shrivelled wings.

Back to my image, when I finally saw myself struggling out of the cocoon, and emerging with big, strong, colourful and beautiful wings, I saw God the Father, still cupping me in His hands, with a great, big and proud smile on His face. And He told me, I have created you, with the intention of giving you big and beautiful wings. And it is because you struggled, yet never gave up, that you now receive this pair of wings. It is yours. Be proud of it. Claim it. Embrace it. And now fly free into the world and let the world see my beauty through you and your pair of wings. Never doubt your true potential. Never fear what I have given you. For no butterfly can ever hide the beauty in their wings. They were meant to bring joy to the world just by simply flying freely in the world. And so were you meant to live freely and bring my joy to the world.

~~~~~

May you too recognise the Father's hands cradling you during your times of struggle, preparing you for the butterfly wings He intends to give you. And when you recognise the beautiful wings He has given you, don't be afraid of them. Claim them. Embrace them. And be proud of them, believing in its great potential for God to do great things through them. And fly free. Spread your wings and fly. So that with each of us spreading our own unique, God-given wings, we may collectively let the world be overwhelmed by the love of our Father through our butterfly wings.

Fed with Love

2011-03-12T17:50:00.002+08:00

While I may never ever have a child of my own to feed, today the Lord allowed me to experience feeding a few of the residents in St Joseph's Home, where I now visit every alternate Saturday as part of my pastoral formation. Not that I have never fed my younger brother or cousins before, but today's experience somehow fed me with a whole new perspective on feeding - it was as if I was actually the one being fed by each of these residents who taught me these valuable lessons.

The Art of Feeding
Firstly, feeding requires sensitivity and conscientiousness which I'm sure many of us have already taken for granted in this seemingly simple act. But it isn't, at least not when the one you're feeding isn't yourself. Feeding someone else actually requires you to look into so many simple, important yet often forgotten aspects.

Is the porridge or noodle too hot?
My first few attempts got me in trouble to the point that the poor lady refused to eat anymore. Then I realised I almost burnt her mouth cos' I didn't remember to check how hot the food was! From this, I learnt to place my face near the bowl to detect any heat coming out from the food, and to blow each spoonful before serving the resident if necessary. I remembered to also spread out the rest of the food in the bowl to allow it to cool faster, something I remember my parents teaching me to do when I was younger, but had plainly taken for granted at this stage of life.

Is the portion too large?
I received my next lesson from a lady who spat out all her food after my first serving. Then a nurse had to tell me this particular lady eats small portions at a time. I gave a sheepish apologetic look on my face to the nurse and the lady, and began to feed smaller portions, even if it meant taking a longer time and many more spoonfuls for her. This truly taught me patience, and to accomodate to each person's specific needs and preference.

How to scoop each spoonful?
As silly as this may sound, I had to also learn the art of scooping each spoonful, especially when it came to noodles. At first, some of my spoonfuls had too much noodles, other times, there was too little, especially when some strands would slide off the spoon immediately after I proudly thought I had scooped up the ideal portion. Then I got a little frustrated with strands of noodles hanging by the side of the spoon which I didn't know how to get rid off other than re-scooping it. It was after many frustrated attempts that I got 'enlightened' enough to cut off the dangling strands by pressing the side of the spoon against the bowl. Believe me, I felt so stupid I wanted a room there to curl myself in.

Is there food bits left on her lips or chin?
With the greater sensitivity I learnt from each resident I fed, I began to take notice even of the tiniest grain of rice or spot of gravy left on their lips or chin. I could imagine how uncomfortable that might feel for them, and immediately wiped it off the minute I caught sight of it. I knew it made a difference, for when I was just about to raise my hand to wipe off that smudge of gravy, so too did the lady synonymously raise her hand wanting to do the same. That made me more determined to make even the act of feeding as discomfort-free and pleasant for them as possible. It was the least I could do for them really.

I must say, through such a seemingly simple task, I had a very humbling experience, realising how often we take for granted of so many things in life which others have to struggle to do for themselves. This greater awareness makes me more appreciative of the simple tasks I am able to do on my own, and to be more attentive and sensitive to the particular needs of others, especially when I am called to love and serve them.

The Art of Intimacy
As I got better at feeding, just quietly sitting beside one resident and patiently feeding her spoonful after spoonful, somehow drew me into a deeper connection with her. There seemed to be this unspoken act of intimacy between us as I faithfully fed her and she faithfully trusted me enough to allow herself to be fed by me. What deepened that intimacy was the realisation that she depended on me to be fed. She not only trusted me, she NEEDED me to feed her, something she couldn't do on her own. Somehow, that made me realise what an important, life-giving role I played even if for that few minutes. And it was one of the most beautiful exchanges of love I ever felt, especially from an older person - I loved her by feeding her, she loved me in return by allowing me to feed her.

This brought me back to the time when I was a child, when I depended on my own parents to feed me. We hardly ever remember that life-giving act of our parents, that mutual exchange of love and trust, let alone feel appreciative of what they did for us. But to now feed someone who depended on me for food, I realised how we can never ever live our lives merely for ourselves, for the very fact that we exist today comes from the very fact that someone lived not for themself alone, but lived for us even by the simple act of feeding us when we were young. And from that selfless act of someone else, we rightfully and dutifully owe it to live the rest of our lives for others, if not feeding, then serving others in any way possible. From the day we were born and had to depend on others to feed us, bathe us, care for us and bring us up, we were meant to learn the very life lesson that life was not meant to be lived in isolation as if we could 'take care of ourselves', but to be lived within a family, community, and society, where those who were able and blessed, were to serve those who were unable and not so blessed.

The Art of Small Acts
After their meal times, I was pushing some residents on wheelchair back to their rooms. Then I passed by one of the residents I had only fed for the first time today. She recognised me and threw me this big, toothless grin on her face that just melted my heart and made my day. Never did I expect a small, simple act of feeding her earlier that day made such an impression on her that she remembered, and expressed her gratitude in such a similarly small, simple yet powerful way. Feeding her that day may have seemed like the simplest of things for me, but to her, it may have meant the greatest act of kindness anyone could have showed her.

With the many seemingly small and simple things we take for granted in life, we also take for granted the huge life-giving potential these small and simple acts can do for someone else. Be it a simple, ressuring touch on someone's shoulder, a smile and a nod to a stranger, a desperate attempt to spew what command of hokkien or cantonese I could put together just to strike a conversation, or even just to sit quietly beside someone and make your presence felt - all these I realised make such a huge difference to each of these residents, and also to so many people out there who crave for these small and simple acts of love, if only we take notice of such needs, and if only we take notice of how lacking we are in these small and simple acts.

Blessed Mother Teresa once said, "We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love."

I am glad that today, the residents of St Joseph's Home fed me with the opportunity to do just that for them.

This is War

2011-02-26T17:46:00.000+08:00

War is inevitable. Whether our battlefields are in school, the workplace, at home, or even in our hearts, whether our opponents are strangers, enemies, friends or even ourselves, everyday we face the possibility of getting ambushed, attacked, wounded, or thrown into a cloud of confusion.

In the midst of our daily battles, we sometimes try to flee - by denying, ignoring, or drowning ourselves in other distractions that may give temporary relief, but we never really succeed in finding any sense of peace. We try to fight with clenched teeth and fists, angry and spiteful of the whole situation, trying to throw blame on our opponents who 'started the war', and hope to put an end to war by putting an end to our opponents, but we eventually end up even more tired, frustrated, defeated.

But do we know who we are fighting against really? Do we know who is on our side of the battle really? Do we know how best to prepare ourselves for the inevitable war in our daily lives?

"Finally, be strong in the Lord with his energy and strength. Put on the whole armour of God to be able to resist the cunning of the devil. Our battle is not against human forces but against the rulers and authorities and their dark powers that govern this world. We are struggling against the spirits and supernatural forces of evil. Therefore put on the whole armour of God, that in the evil day, you may resist and stand your ground, making use of all your weapons." (Ephesians 6:10-13)

Whenever I got angry with someone, for whatever the person may have done wrong in my eyes, I set up my war zone against the person, thinking that the person started the war in the first place. Little that I know that the real enemy was putting these evil thoughts in my head, without realising I was raging war with someone on the same side! As much as I thought that the war was with another individual, I was actually unknowingly battling against the evil one who was using my emotions to hurt my fellow brother-in-Christ, or worse, to unknowingly cause harm to my own self.

Yet, we need not flee, for the Lord is calling us to resist and stand our ground, standing firmly in the truth that we are His soldiers, that we all belong to God's army. We need not clench our teeth, but open our mouths and make a (war) cry to our Lord to lead us in our battles. We need not clench our fists, but open our hands to surrender to the (battle) plans of our Lord, to surrender to the power and might of our King of Kings, and receive the weapons that He places upon us to fight the inevitable war of our lives.

"Take truth as your belt, justice as your breastplate, and zeal as your shoes to propogate the Gospel of peace." (Ephesians 6:14-15)

Truth as your belt
Whenever I get ambushed by an event or person that makes me yearn for marriage, or resentful of what I have been called to give up as a result of my priestly calling, what holds me together, keeps me from falling apart and losing myself in the midst of the frustration and turmoil, is the Truth that the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11), the truth that God remains faithful to me, giving me something greater each time He takes away someone dear to me, the truth that I am a beloved child of God whom God will always want the best for me.

It is in these trying moments when we find ourselves falling apart, or losing a part of ourselves, it is when we turn to these 'anchor points' of truth in our lives, the truth of God's faithfulness, mercy and love revealed in past events or situations or revelations or experiences, that we can rely on this TRUTH to hold us together, and bind us to the love and faithfulness of Christ.

Justice as your breastplate
Whenever I find myself caught in cross-fire, caught in an unfavourable or awkward situation, or deeply misunderstood or unintentionally hurt by another person, the 'misfire' can truly sink deep through the chest and into the heart, causing a searing pain of anguish and bitterness. Yet, often when I am reminded to rely on God's justice and righteousness, and not on my own act of fighting for justice for myself, eventually things get resolved into a happy ending, but only when I allow God to work in His time, for His justice to prevail at the appropriate time. Mother Mary herself, forewarned of a sword that will pierce her heart, had justice as her breastplate to protect her and allow her to continue surrendering to the plans of God, even while seeing her Son dying on the cross, trusting that God's justice and righteousness will prevail in time to come - and sure enough in His resurrection!

It is never easy to be misunderstood or hurt. But when we build our trust and dependance on the Lord's justice, we build a protection over our hearts, preventing ourselves from getting hurt too deeply, but allowing truth and righteousness to prevail in God's time.

Zeal as your shoes
Very often, it is in my most troubled times and hurting situations that I become prone to hurting others out of my own mood swings or temperament. Only with Truth to hold me together in times of turmoil, and justice to protect me from hurting blows, will I then be able to maintain inner peace in my heart, channel God's love into my life, and thereby put on zeal and enthusiasm in propogating and promoting this great peace of God to all around me, all who may be similarly wounded or affected by the war in their lives. It is in keeping peace in my heart that I can then keep on tirelessly spreading God's great peace to others.

"Always hold in your hand the shield of faith to repel the flaming arrows of the devil. Finally, use the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, that is, the Word of God." (Ephesians 6:16-17)

Shield of faith
"Faith is the way of holding onto what we hope for, being certain of what we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1) In my constant battles when flaming arrows of doubt and discouragement rain down on me, faith can sometimes seem to be the only way out, or what I call the 'easy way out', where even when it doesn't seem to make sense, even when it sounds most ridiculous, even when it goes against my human desire, I just cover myself with the shield of faith and simply hide in the total care, protection and comfort of my Lord, trusting fully in faith that He will watch over me, He will protect me, and He will lead and guide me out not only to safety, but to the best possible plan for me, even if I am unable to see or be certain of what's ahead of me.

Helmet of salvation
When I only focus on the kind of earthly life I want to lead, the kind of earthly comforts or securities I want to have, I begin to miss out or shortchange myself of the heavenly life prepared for me. I get caught up with the petty defeats or losses on the ground until I put on the helmet of salvation and bring to my mind the greater life God wants me to have in His heavenly kingdom. And this is a kingdom I don't have to wait til I die, for so long as I keep my thoughts and mind focused on the heavenly life meant for me, "thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." When I begin to live life with the heavenly kingdom in mind, I no longer get easily troubled by the earthly things I miss out or am deprived of, but can more fully claim the heavenly blessings that will stay with me deep in my heart, where no claymore mine or tripflare can ever surprise me and blow it away from me.

Sword of the Spirit
"For the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword." (Hebrews 4:12) Under the darkest of days or gloomiest of skies filled with overhead missiles flying across my head, it has always been the Word of God that continues to comfort me when I'm down, encourage me when I'm tired, assure me when I feel doubtful, embrace me when I feel alone, heal me when I get hurt, lift me when I am defeated, and the list goes on. If not for the daily readings I try to keep to, I may not be holding my head up high towards the gloomy war scene and release my clenched teeth to cry out to my God, release my clenched fists to surrender to His divine plan, and open my hands to receive Victory in my life.

"Pray at all times as the Spirit inspires you. Keep watch, together with sustained prayer and supplication for all the holy ones." (Ephesians 6:18)

Even if at this present moment, our lives seem to be at peace, St Paul warns the Ephesians that peace is only provisional, for the evil one is waiting for his hour to bring about war. And so in whatever battle we find ourselves fighting or not fighting, we are together still standing on the side of Christ in the inevitable war against Good and Evil. Let us continue to persevere in prayer for one another, especially those caught in the midst of their own battles, that we may depend on the weapons of Christ bestowed on us, put on the armour that God personally places upon us, and stand our ground with open hands, surrendering not to the Enemy, but to the love of Christ that will make us cry out with conviction and strength:

"This is War. But this is our Victory!"

Testify to Love

2011-02-21T16:01:00.004+08:00

I stood in the crowd of over 200 youths, conscious of my identity as a seminarian. My intention for being there at the 'Testify to Love' Youth Rally was to give my presence and support to the staff and students of the School Of Witness (SOW) programme 2011, whose finale after 6 weeks of youth formation was the organisation of this rally for youths all over Singapore. Little did I know what God had in store for me too.

As the singing stopped and the music mellowed, we reached a segment of the rally where we were invited to be prayed over by any of the prayer teams which comprised of students of the SOW programme.

Wait a minute. I'm the one who usually prays over others, not the other way round. How strange would it be to me or even to others for a seminarian to be prayed over by youths more than 10 years younger than me?

John the Baptist baptising Jesus
As my initial thoughts lingered uncomfortably in my mind, I was suddenly reminded of how Jesus Himself approached John the Baptist for baptism at the Jordan River. If Jesus, Lord and Saviour, could humble Himself to share in our humanness and allow us to baptise Him, why shouldn't I all the more step down from my pedestral and humble myself to allow the youths to pray over me?

And so after getting over my initial hesitation, I turned to one of the helpers and asked to be prayed over, but not without catching sight of that tinge of shock and disbelief from the helper's face which I had expected. But I was determined to surrender to His promptings.

Two of the youths I knew prayerfully laid their hands on me, and began to pray over me.

Wow, they're doing good, almost like seasoned prayer warriors. Wait, what if I rest in the Spirit? Should I let myself rest in the Spirit? Should I resist? I'm a seminarian for goodness' sake! How will it look if I fall?...

Shut up Nick and focus on the prayer!

I got out of my distracting, unneccessary thoughts and returned to focusing on the Lord. As I entered deeper into the prayer experience, suddenly, what I heard being said to me no longer sounded like they came from the youths, for I heard 2 very familiar phrases that could have only come from God Himself.

Let go of your past. Let go of your past memories, for I will bring you new memories to behold.

These pertained to past hurts that God seemed to be reaching out towards me with the intention of healing me and encouraging me to let go of the past. I could not believe how God could have dug out something I kept deep within me, and wanted to personally bring about healing, especially through a youth!

Receive me. Receive my love. Receive, receive, receive, receive, receive!

God had given me this word 'receive' since the start of the year, reminding me not to be too caught up with too much giving that springs out from the expectation I impose on myself as a seminarian, and neglect learning to receive from the Lord, and even through His people, for I cannot give what I do not receive from the Lord. And so for the youth to repeat this exact same word, not once, not twice, but more than 5 times (!) simply blew me away! A smile of joy began to grow on my face as I remarked to myself how amazing God is, to speak to me in such a deep, intimate, and personal way. And I would never have imagined Him speaking to me through a youth!

My heart was bursting with the joy of the Lord as I hugged and thanked my two prayer warriors, and returned to my seat as I continued praising and thanking God with outstretched arms! What an awesome experience if not for my surrendering to God's prompting in humility and trust.

Mother Mary standing by Jesus
As if that was not enough, we were later invited to kneel at the foot of the cross where Jesus hung, testifying His total and faithful love for us. As some of the youths began to go up to the cross one by one, something within me once again prompted me to join the youths and kneel alongside with them, partly to also give my personal praise and thanks for the earlier experience.

But you're a seminarian!

I was rudely interrupted by the voice of doubt and discouragement in my head. But almost immediately I recalled how Mary stood at the foot of the Cross while many of the disciples were far, far away in fear. That was enough to persuade me to brush the doubt aside and kneel down beside one of the youths, hoping to also encourage others to model after Mary's courage and strength and stay by the foot of her Son Jesus.

Encouraged as more and more youths started coming forward to kneel before the Lord, I stretched out my hands towards Jesus with deep gratitude and a huge smile of joy on my face, totally in awe of the wonders God was doing in me as well as in the youths.

You look like a grinning idiot! So many people are staring at you, a seminarian, grinning like an idiot!

I stood firm where I was, unrelenting of the doubts cast in my head, and continued to express my joy and gratitude towards the Lord. Soon, as the youths started returning to their seats one by one, I then found myself to be the only one left near the foot of the cross, in front of 200 over youths.

Should I return to my seat now? If I did, would it be because I felt God wanted me to return to my seat, or was it because I was afraid of being the only odd one out?

Then it suddenly dawned onto me what testifying to love encompassed. It was not just about testifying through words of testimony, which the students of SOW had so courageously and beautifully done. It was also not just about serving with love as many of the students had done in putting up this amazing rally. As I remained the only one kneeling before the Lord, I realised that testifying to love was also about freely, openly, unreservedly expressing the praise and joy of the Lord regardless what others think, regardless what people might say. If I truly felt so loved by God in such a deep, personal way, it should not matter even if I was a seminarian kneeling before the Lord all by myself. All that should matter, was that I become an upspoken testimony of God's love through my entire being.

Seminarian, staff and students testifying to Jesus' love!
Back in my seat, with my newfound insight, I did not expect my newfound insight to be tested so quickly. As soon as all staff and students of SOW took up their positions up on stage as well as all around us, the music burst into the air, and threw the staff and students into a joy-filled, faith-driven dance routine that I recognised to be a free, open, unreserved and unspoken testimony of God's love for them, and their love for God. It made me so proud to see these young people transformed over the course of 6 weeks, to the point that they were unafraid to express and declare their love for God and His people.

That great joy and pride in the depths of my heart soon began to grow and swell, to the point that I could no longer contain it but allow it to burst through my skin and jolt me to sway and bob my head to the beat of the music, sharing in the same joy and testimony as the staff and students. It no longer mattered if I was the only crazy idiot bobbing to the music and dancing in my chair, for I realised that once you open yourself to the Lord and allow yourself to receive the fullness of God's love for you, it will be so overwhelming that you won't be able to contain it inside of you, but want to openly declare and express it for all the world to see!

And indeed, that's what I learnt to do that evening, along with all the staff and students of SOW 2011. That night, we truly let go of our fears and inhibitions, didn't bother whether we were young or old, seminarian or youth, but openly received the Lord's goodness and love, and rightfully and openly testified to the love of the Lord, and made one more (dance) step towards living out the lyrics of the last song which they danced to...

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign Your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Naked I came, naked shall I return

2011-02-11T11:28:00.003+08:00

If Adam and Eve, having eaten the forbidden fruit, had their eyes opened to the knowledge of good and evil, shouldn't they have recognised the good found in God's creation of man and woman? Shouldn't they have recognised more so that God is good? Why then, did they have to sew fig-leaves to hide their nakedness, or to hide themselves from God - the supreme good?

First reading (Genesis 3:1-8)
"The serpent was the most subtle of all the wild beasts that the Lord God had made. It asked the woman, ‘Did God really say you were not to eat from any of the trees in the garden?’ The woman answered the serpent, ‘We may eat the fruit of the trees in the garden. But of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden God said, “You must not eat it, nor touch it, under pain of death.” ‘ Then the serpent said to the woman, ‘No! You will not die! God knows in fact that on the day you eat it your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods, knowing good and evil.’ The woman saw that the tree was good to eat and pleasing to the eye, and that it was desirable for the knowledge that it could give. So she took some of its fruit and ate it. She gave some also to her husband who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realised that they were naked. So they sewed fig-leaves together to make themselves loin-cloths.

The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden."

As I pondered over the above questions that puzzled me while meditating on today's first reading, I realised that it wasn't the good they failed to recognise that made them hide; rather it was the evil that they recognised in their actions of disobedience which caused them to shy away from each other and from God.

I also realised that it wasn't that the tree of Knowledge was bad to eat, especially if God made everything good. In fact, Eve saw that it was good to eat and pleasing to the eye. Hence, it wasn't that the tree turned out to be poisonous such that whoever ate of its fruit dies. Rather, it was choosing to eat what was not given to them that caused Adam and Eve to 'die'. Adam and Eve could have eaten from any tree which God created and GAVE them to eat. Yet, they chose to eat from the tree which God DID NOT give them to eat. They chose to be TAKERS instead of RECEIVERS. They chose to become like gods and in so doing unknowingly rejected and separated themselves from the true God, the true GIVER. Death, as a result, came not by choking to death or by falling to the ground and frothing from the mouth; instead it comes about when we remove ourselves from God, the true source of life.

We seek many things in life that look good and pleasing to us - a happy and stable family, a good education, a secure job, good health, a compatible wife, children in marriage, etc. These in itself were all made to be good. And so, the question is not so much what we seek and desire; but whether God chooses to give it to us, and whether we are willing to RECEIVE from the GIVER and not just TAKE what is not meant for us. Very often, it is when we are unable to accept what has not been given to us, that we become angry, irritated, frustrated, resentful, jealous, depressed, and eventually and unknowingly walk down the path of death.

Gospel Reading (Mark 7:31-37)
"Returning from the district of Tyre, Jesus went by way of Sidon towards the Sea of Galilee, right through the Decapolis region. And they brought him a deaf man who had an impediment in his speech; and they asked him to lay his hand on him. He took him aside in private, away from the crowd, put his fingers into the man’s ears and touched his tongue with spittle. Then looking up to heaven he sighed; and he said to him, ‘Ephphatha’, that is, ‘Be opened.’ And his ears were opened, and the ligament of his tongue was loosened and he spoke clearly. And Jesus ordered them to tell no one about it, but the more he insisted, the more widely they published it. Their admiration was unbounded. ‘He has done all things well,’ they said ‘he makes the deaf hear and the dumb speak.’"

God doesn't want us to eat from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil not because He doesn't want us to recognise good. In fact, we saw how Eve recognised how good and pleasing the tree of Knowledge looked even before eating of its fruit. We too are also able to recognise the good in many things which we seek and hope to have in our own lives.

By forbidding us to eat from the tree of Knowledge, He might be trying to teach us more than just to recognise what is good, but to also recognise the good in what God chooses to GIVE to us. And this can be done when we learn from the deaf and dumb man, who surrenders himself to the authority and will of God, takes his rightful place as a RECEIVER and not a TAKER. And that allowed him to RECEIVE healing from Jesus, and to be OPENED to the good that God wants to bring into his life, in the way God the Giver chooses to bring.

Only when we learn to take our rightful place as the RECEIVER, are we then ready to be OPENED to the good that God is bringing into our lives, even through situations which we did not ask for or even prefer not to have. And when we learn that being children of God doesn't mean we can take matters into our own hands or take what we want, but that we are to humbly RECEIVE with great anticipation and excitement everything that the Father gives, we will eventually truly see and realise that everything the Father chooses to give us will, sooner or later, be truly and wonderfully good (to eat).

~~~~~~

Today, as I celebrate my 30th birthday (which will take awhile for me to get used to the "3" in front of my age), I give thanks and praise to God not for what I have achieved or gained in my life, but for all that I have received, all that God has chosen to give and bless me with in my life, including all the people who have shared a part of my last 30 years of life. Even with all the hurts and pains, struggles and sorrows that came along with the joys and blessings, I thank God for opening my eyes to see the good in all things, and to humbly accept the things that I may seek, but is not meant for me.

For "naked I came from my mother's womb, naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be His name!" (Job 1:21)

Bringing Jesus into the world

2011-01-31T10:07:00.003+08:00

"...people will always have need of God..."

"Where people no longer perceive God, life grows empty; nothing is ever enough."

"God is alive, and he needs people to serve him and bring him to others."

These were the lines that struck me as I read the opening paragraph of Pope Benedict's letter to seminarians all over the world dated 18 October 2010. We were to reflect on his letter during our seminary's recent recollection to prepare us for the new semester ahead.

Motherhood
As usual, I sauntered through the familiar seminary grounds pondering over these words, until I caught sight of a statue of Mother Mary standing pristinely near the entrance of our seminary. Slowly, it began to dawn on me that Mary would be the first person throughout history to ever show us how to bring Jesus to others, for she was the chosen one to carry Jesus in her womb, and to eventually bring Him into the world. And while Jesus was still in her womb, wherever she went, she brought Jesus to whomever she met. This we saw when Mary visited her cousin Elizabeth, whom her son John the Baptist leapt for joy in her womb the moment Mary's greeting sounded in her ears.

Although none of us will ever get the chance to carry Jesus in our wombs, at least definitely not for the guys, but each time we receive Jesus in the Eucharist, Jesus is allowing us to bring Him under our 'roof', where we become living tabernacles carrying Jesus wherever we go, bringing Him to whomever we meet. This can take place more freqently and effectively when we celebrate and participate in the Holy Eucharist more regularly and fervently, as well as when we draw closer to Jesus throught time spent with Him in prayer.

Conversely to how a child in a mother's womb depends on the life of the mother to stay alive, and even takes after the character and personality of the mother as he grows up, we instead depend on Jesus whom we carry within us to remain 'alive', and also take after His character and virtues, and even more so His image and likeness, as we grow whilst staying connected to Him. As Jesus tells us in John 15:5 - "As long as you remain in me and I in you, you bear much fruit; but apart from me you can do nothing." By allowing Jesus to remain in us, and we ourselves remaining in the love, likeness and image of Jesus within our hearts, we not only bring Jesus to others, people meet Jesus through our reflection of Him, and that's when God for them slowly begins to come alive in their hearts.

Fatherhood
In light of my occasional desire for a family of my own, I reflected on how Mary remained a virgin and gave up her human desire to bear children of her own through human means. Yet in return, she bore Christ within her through spiritual grace, and became Mother of all mankind, which more than compensates not having children of her own flesh. As Mother of the Church, she doesn't just give life to a few children, but she gives life, through Jesus, to all her spiritual children - the world.

As I look at my own surrendering of my human fatherhood through a life of celibacy, I find consolation and even great joy in the spiritual fatherhood I may possibly be given in return, to father over my spiritual children who form the Church. I may not give life to a few children of my own flesh and blood, but I may one day be giving life to my spiritual children in numbers more than I can ever imagine myself having in a lifetime. When that day comes, not only will I be bringing Jesus to others through the way I live my life leading towards the image and likeness of Christ, I will also be the one bringing Jesus in the Eucharist to them, so that they too can carry Jesus under their 'roof', and bring Him into the world.

Wrapping up 2010

2010-12-31T14:14:00.001+08:00

At a recent Christmas party, during a gift exchange segment, we were told to sit in a circle, then one by one pick a number which represents the gift we had 'won' from a pool of all the presents each of us contributed to. The twist is that, the first person opens up the present for all to see, followed by the second person, who before opening up his present, has to decide whether to keep the unopened present in his hands, or exchange it for the opened present of the previous person. This seemed to be a case of weighing and deciding if what you can see in someone else's hands is worth more than what you can't see in your own hands. Of course, the gift that was most frequently exchanged (or more accurately 'snatched' from the previous owner) was a gift voucher.

As I look back at the year 2010, I can't believe that my first year of seminary formation towards the priesthood flew by so fast! Many have asked me how is it like "in there" - as if it were some prison camp that I managed to escape from. This perception seems to be supported by the fact that whenever I come online on MSN or facebook, people actually ask me how is it I was able to use the internet! Well, contrary to what many people seem to think, life in the seminary isn't anything like being in a 'Survivor' reality series, or a season of Prison Break. In fact, despite a daily routine that we have to follow, and some might say an unearthly time that I wake up to, I have pretty much enjoyed every experience I've had in the seminary - the much desired and pleasantly deep and personal encounters with the Lord during my quiet time with Him, the enriching lessons that bring greater life and meaning to the faith that I have come to love more and more, the loving and supportive fellowship of the fellow seminarians that make life "in there" enjoyable, fun-filled and assuring that we are all on this journey together as one brotherhood. What more could I ask for when I think about God's constant affirmation of my call towards the priestly vocation throughout this entire year.

Yet, as with many of us, the grass can sometimes seem greener on the other side; the gift seem better in someone else's hands. As some of my previous posts have pointed out, I have not been spared of moments where I look at the opened gifts in other people's hands - friends who got married to the love of their life, couples serving pasionately and fruitfully together for the Lord, peers who have been blessed with the gift of children in their marriage - and all that can sometimes seem to be worth more to me than the gift of the priestly vocation in my hand that I am only starting to slowly unwrap. Joining me in the ranks are people who have often lamented to me of their singlehood, and their great longing, yearning and even desperate waiting for their one true love that others seem to find in a much easier and faster way. Others have resented the 'gift' of suffering in their lives - physical, emotional, or spiritual - and get envious of the 'better' gift of comfort, luxury and blessing that others seem to enjoy. During those moments, we just wish we could exchange the gift in our hands with those who seemed to have received 'better' gifts, or better still, to obtain a 'gift voucher' or a 'blank cheque', that allows us to choose what WE WANT to do or have in our lives, and to do or have it OUR WAY.

Among the gifts that were being opened one by one was one that was concealed in a nice thin envelope which everyone excitedly anticipated it to be another gift voucher! When the gift was finally unwrapped, it turned out to be a disappointing Christmas card from someone who realised too late that he had forgotten to buy a Christmas present for the party and ended up just quickly grabbing a Christmas card from his home and making it his gift for the gift exchange.

One of my many greatest struggles over the last one year ironically didn't take place within the seminary, but rather outside of it. Each time I 'escaped from prison' during my semester breaks in July and December, it actually turns out that going back to the real world was more tantamount to entering into the 'Survivor' series or entering into the prison where I slowly get chained to worldly ideals, wants and self-centered distractions, and have to struggle to 'survive' the noisy and self-serving atmosphere of the world. Outside of the daily routine and conducive and safe environment in the seminary for prayer and better alignment to the ways of Christ, it can be a huge struggle to maintain the discipline to keep to my prayer routine, and to constantly remind myself of my true identity as a child of God, and my true mission to be a testimony of His love and goodness.

The last season of advent, in particular, turned out to be a huge struggle in my preparation for Christmas. Despite meeting up with lots of people, going for a mission trip in Cambodia even, somehow I didn't feel as prepared for Christmas as in previous years. Something was just not right within me, and I felt awfully ashamed and dismayed by the disappointing anti-climax to this entire year of seminary formation. It was as if I had failed in preparing the best birthday present I could offer for baby Jesus, and simply rushed through the season of advent almost meaninglessly. Some of you may feel the same way when you know you haven't been faithfully following the readings of every advent week, haven't received the Sacrament of Reconciliation like we're 'supposed' to, haven't really spent time pondering over what Christmas really means, and maybe even got too caught up with the commercial mood of Christmas. Like me, you may have felt totally unworthy to have even been invited to this birthday party, so ashamed of the miserable present that you brought and try to hide behind your back so that no one may notice.

As expected in most gift exchange parties, the most common gifts were chocolates and cookies - things that were most likely to be enjoyed almost immediately by almost everybody. Yet, the gift that I prepared for the gift exchange was a spiritual book. Yes, I can almost hear the exclamation, "But who gives a book for Christmas? What more a spiritual one?!" And it probably was the same question that rang in the mind of the person who received my gift, unknowing that it was from me. I even overheard him asking if anyone wanted to exchange it for chocolates. But far from being offended, I grinned and laughed silently in my heart, believing and trusting that someday, one fateful day, that person would eventually discover the greater worth of that book when the right time comes.

I too have often received presents that I never found much use for at that point in time. These were often chucked in one corner of my room, hidden for years like wine in a cellar, until one fine day when 'chance' leads me to stumbling upon it again, I get pleasantly surprised by the timely need for that gift, and its true worth and purpose then begin to poignantly unfold, leaving me to marvel and savour the true worth of God's gift for me.

Amidst my momentary resentment and struggles with the gift in my hand that I am still not fully sure of its true worth and purpose, what I have come to realise, or failed to realise is that, we never really will know if the gifts others have received will really be better than ours until we take the time to slowly unwrap the gift placed in our hands, and to grow in faith and trust that the gift we have received had been specially, carefully, and loving chosen for us by our loving Father, a gift that promises to uniquely give us and only us the fullness of life, joy, peace and love... if only we take the time to slowly unwrap it, if only we remain patient enough to allow God's time to reveal the true worth and purpose of His gift for us.

And while I may not always respond to His gift in the most ideal of ways, exchanging His gift to us with a miserably wrapped gift filled with flaws, let downs, imperfections, and unworthiness, I have also come to realise that what I bring as my gift to the Birthday Boy is not as important as realising that it is the Birthday Boy who has given me the greatest gift of all - His very self, and the total, faithful, and everlasting love that comes with Him. Before I focus on what I can bring to the Lord, I am to focus first on what the Lord is bringing to me, to embrace the gift of His love that nothing in this world can ever compare to. And it is this gift of His love that once we can truly embrace its true worth in our lives, no other gift in the hands of others will ever make us what to exchange His gift for theirs.

And it is when I can truly and deeply fall in love with the Gift of Jesus, and the Giver, God the Father, that I no longer prepare a gift for Him just because it is a requirement stipulated by the organisers of the gift exchange party, but solely because it is my most spontaneous and genuine act of response to the generous gift of love that I have received.

Indeed, it has been the love of Christ that I have come to truly experience and embrace more and more each day over the last one year, that has kept me going in this discernment journey towards the priesthood, and has sustained me in my deep-seated desire to give of myself and my life as my gift and response to the King of all Kings, Lord of all Lords, and Lover of us all. And it is also my wish and prayer for you, my fellow companions on this journey, that you too will come to embrace your gift placed in your hands, and come to discover the worth and purpose of your gift, and more so discover the love and faithfulness of the Giver. Let us give thanks and glory to God for all the gifts we have received this year - both welcomed and unwelcomed - and wait with greater joy and expectancy that the new year will allow us to better appreciate the gifts in our hands, and prepare us for greater gifts that the Lord has planned to bring into our lives.

And that's a WRAP!

Why The World Doesn't Need Superman

2010-12-08T12:06:00.001+08:00

(I recently happened to catch a re-run of the movie 'Superman Returns' on Channel 5 last Mon - I say 'happened' cos' I was supposed to have a dinner appointment that evening which got cancelled last minute, leaving me at home with nothing else to do. But you know how things don't just 'happen' with God around, and somehow that evening, my super-senses prompted me that He WANTED me to watch the movie again...)

"Why The World Doesn't Need Superman"

...is the title of Lois Lane's editorial that won her a Pulitzer Prize in the movie. She probably wrote it as a response to Superman's sudden disappearance, literally from the face of the earth, for more than 5 years, leaving the rest of the world staring into the sky waiting, hoping and praying for his return. She probably wrote it as a defiant act of denial so that the rest of the world, but more so that she, could deal with the disappointment of his disappearance and move on in life. My next guess is that she probably wrote it, because deep down inside, she wished that the world wouldn't need Superman so that she could have the man she once and maybe still loved so deeply all to herself.

Since my decision to leave, not the face of the earth, but my girlfriend, and all my dreams and ideals of marriage, in order to enter the seminary as a response to God's apparent call to the priesthood, I have not been spared of moments from time to time where I try to write my own editorial in my mind with a similar title: 'Why the World Doesn't Need Me'. As my own defiant act of denial, I would often wish to remain just an ordinary citizen, to be with the girl I once (and maybe still) loved with all my heart, and just spend the rest of my years flying her across the seas and bringing her to the moon and back. I would try to find excuses for myself, proclaiming that there were plenty of men out there more worthy than I was to be His priest.

Superman (to Lois Lane): "You wrote that the world doesn't need a saviour, but I hear them crying for one everyday."

Yet no matter how hard I try to convince myself the world doesn't need me, I can't help hearing their cries for help, can't help seeing the rest of the world staring into the skies waiting, hoping and praying for relief from their miserable, painful, unbearable situations in life. Everytime God sends someone in need into my path, something within me just automatically responds by reaching out to the person, and trying my best to journey with and help the person through whatever difficulty he or she is facing. Everytime God does something incredible through me for someone else, in ways that I could never imagine myself doing without His help, I would be totally in awe and affirmed of the life God is calling me to. Somehow, though my love for my once true love was strong, my love for the world seems to be growing stronger each day that I can't possibly bring myself to throw all that away just for my own selfish desires.

Lex Luthor: "Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind. No, I don't want to be a God. I just want to bring fire to the people. And I want my cut."

If Superman was really selfish, he would be using his given power for his own selfish reasons and purposes. (I know what many guys would do with X-ray vision.) Instead, he used his power for the good of mankind, to help those who were less fortunate. Contrary to what Lex Luthor exclaims, Superman did more than share his power with mankind. He shared his very life to the world. Deep down I am sure he wanted to spend all his days flying Lois across seas and bringing her to the moon and back. But instead, he made the more difficult decision to stay true to his greater calling and purpose, to give up a life he could have spent with Lois, and to give up his life for the world that needed him.

In the same way, I have come to realise and accept that all the gifts and blessings I have received in my life were not earned by my own efforts, nor were they just for my own selfish gain. They were God-given gifts freely given to me to be used in service for His people. I would be the selfish one if I were to keep all these gifts to myself, and fly around in my little red cape and living the life I want, without any care to share these gifts with the world.

Yet, I have often asked myself why can't I still share my gifts with the world while still being in love with the love of my life? And that's where the movie struck a chord, when I realised how easily Superman could have just decided to kick Lois' fiance out of her life, to be the man both of them would have wanted, and maybe compromise by giving half his time to saving the world, and the other half to Lois and her son. But, he didn't. And I suppose he realised something that I am slowly trying to accept - that the world doesn't need Superman just half of the time, or most of the time, but all of the time. And Superman will never be the person the world needs if he were to dedicate a part of his life to Lois.

God is not asking me just to share my gifts and talents. He is asking me to share and give ALL of my life to Him, in the purpose that He created me for, in my case and in the case of Superman - to live in service not just to someone, but to the entire world.

Superman (to Jason asleep in his bed): "You will be different, sometimes you'll feel like an outcast, but you'll never be alone. You will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son."

Yet despite all the good I see God doing in me and through me, I do often feel left out at times, when couples enjoy the romance of courtship I once used to enjoy, when fellow peers get to have the dream wedding I once wished to have, when couples express their love and commitment towards each other in ways I once aspired to work towards. These often become difficult times for me to endure and face, until I slowly learnt to turn to my Father in heaven, to make His strength my own, to see my life through His eyes. I recall how I am not alone each time I think of the terrible ordeal Jesus went through too as a persecuted, ridiculed, scourged and finally cruxified outcast. And though Jesus Himself wished His cup be taken away from Him, he eventually submitted Himself to the will of the Father. And these words of His continue to strengthen me in my daily battle: "...the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed." (John 5:19-20)

~~~~~

"Why the World Doesn't Need Jesus"

...is the title of the editorial many people in the world write in their heads. Some write it probably as a response to the daily suffering they witness in the world today, so that they can deal with the disappointment of the apparent disappearance of God in the world and move on in life. Some write it as a defiant act of denial, thinking that they are better off without a God that seems to want to control their lives. Some write it probably because they want to have their lives all to themself, without having to submit it to Christ and to do His will - which can often seem demanding, difficult and full of suffering.

Yet, no matter what millions write in their heads, the fact is that a different editorial has already been written in the hearts of all of us even before we were born. This editorial expresses our very nature made in the image and likeness of God. This editorial speaks of our deep yearning and desire to be one with our Creator, to receive the very nature of love that we were made of, made from the very nature of the Holy Trinity. In each of our hearts, conscious or unconscious, we are crying out each and every day for the Return of Jesus our Saviour deep in our hearts. And it is this desperate desire for Christ in our hearts that leave us empty, unfulfilled, restless, unsatisfied in the long-run no matter how many achievements we try to obtain, how many material goods we try to possess, how many successes we try to clamour after.

Our world is in need of Jesus, whether we like it or not. Yet, it is only when we acknowledge our need for Jesus in our life, will we then discover the powers that were already given to us before we were born that allow us to share in the glory and joy of Christ. And once we see the power of Jesus working in our lives, will we then discover our greater calling of sharing this power with the rest of the world. And once we begin to be aware of the cries for help of the world today, will we then realise our call to be the Jesus that the world needs today.

The world needs us to be Jesus to all in whatever capacity God has called and prepared us for - priest, religious, married couple, single - it is up to us to return to the Father, so that we may allow the Father to return to our hearts, and help us rediscover our greater purpose and calling, not just to serve our own needs, for also for the needs of the world.

May this season of Advent be a time we can be more conscious of the world today looking up in the sky for the saviour in us to respond to the world's needs and cries for help, so that we may be more motivated to open our hearts to the Lord, and anticipate with eagerness, hope and joy for the upcoming...

'JESUS RETURNS'

Faith in Works

2010-11-30T11:37:00.002+08:00

Two men were stranded on two separate islands in the middle of the vast ocean. Both truly believed with all their heart that they would be saved. One held that belief deep in his heart and went to sleep, with the expectant faith that help would come his way soon. The other, with the same deep belief and expectant faith, kept awake in order to keep a lookout for passing ships or planes.

Sure enough, a large ship happened to pass by the first island where the first stranded man was sleeping. But he was so deep in sleep that he did not hear the ship passing. The ship proceeded on and was on the way towards the second island. The one who kept awake, heard the sound of the ship approaching, turned excitedly towards the direction of the ship and began jumping, waving his arms and shouting for help. One of the crew members on board the ship heard a faint cry from a distance and looked up. He then noticed a man jumping and waving his arms from the nearby island. Immediately the crew member notified the captain of the ship, who then sent a rescue boat to rescue the man who not only had the faith that he would be saved, but acted upon his faith and outwardly expressed his deep inner belief through his actions.

As I read today's first reading from Romans 10:9-18 which begins with: "If your lips confess that Jesus is Lord and if you believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, then you will be saved," I pondered further as to what it really meant to confess that Jesus is Lord and Saviour. Then I read further and came upon the verse: "all belong to the same Lord who is rich enough, however many ask his help, for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." It seemed to imply that confessing that Jesus is Lord and Saviour is more than repeating some magic words on our lips, but acknowledging our need for the Lord's help, our need for saving / salvation, and actively and outwardly expressing that inner desire for the Lord's saving by calling on His name.

Even if we had the strong faith and belief that Jesus died on the cross and was raised from the dead so as to grant us salvation, we see from the first stranded man that faith alone was not enough for him to be rescued. Even if he were to vocalise his faith in Jesus and repeat those 'magic words' to himself, that alone would not seem sufficient.

Instead, we see from the second stranded man that what follows from a deep and strong expectant faith in the Lord's gift of salvation is an active and outward expression of that inner faith in God. Only when we respond to the gift of such a faith within us, and turn to the Lord in body, mind and soul, can we stay awake and be ready to receive the salvation of Christ that is given to all.

Indeed, it was by no effort or work on the part of the stranded man, but simply by pure grace, that the ship passed by. In the same way, we can be saved solely by the pure grace of God who freely and unconditionally sent His only Son to die for us in order that we may have eternal life. But this grace requires the human cooperation and response to receive this gift from God. Otherwise, we may miss the 'boat' and wonder where everyone else has gone.

Hence, when James says, "You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone" (James 2:24) and "...so also faith without works is dead," (James 2:26) he is reminding us that faith without our human response will leave us stranded and even dead on our 'islands'. We need to act upon our faith and dispose and prepare ourselves to receive Christ when He comes. Jesus reminds us to "stay awake, because you do not know the day when your master is coming" (Mt 24:42). Even the parable of the five wise virgins in Matthew 25 reminds us to keep our lamps filled with oil while waiting for the Bridegroom. There is always something for us to do which follows from our deep and expectant faith in Jesus.

But while our works may consist of staying awake, or keeping our lamps filled, or turning to the Lord and calling out to Him, good works doesn't and shouldn't stop there.

After being rescued on board the ship, the second stranded man was so grateful to have his life saved. But as the ship continued on its course, he looked back and noticed another island some distance behind them. A voice within him prompted him to politely ask the captain of the ship if he could turn back to the nearby island just in case there was another person stranded there. The captain obliged, and sure enough, as they got nearer to the island, they saw the first stranded man sound asleep on the island, and immediately went to rescue him.

Works on our part doesn't only dispose us and prepare us to receive the free gift of God's salvation for us. We are continually urged and prompted to respond to our faith by doing good works for others as well, so that others too are able to be awakened to receive this free gift from God and be saved, even if they themselves only depended on faith alone.

God Ahead - Slow Down

2010-10-30T16:35:00.000+08:00

If I could describe an experience that brought me close to an experience of Christ's resurrection, it would be this:

While I was suffering from a fever AND diarrhoea double-hit combo last week, I had been eating porridge for 4 days. Not that the porridge was bad - in fact, it was so good, I didn't even know I had been eating it for FOUR days already. But still, when I had my last bowl of porridge delivered to me on the day when I was almost on the brink of recovery, I saw this piece of 'siew mai' in the bowl. At that instant, it was as if heaven's gates flung open! As I'm the kind who likes to save the best for last, I waited patiently till I finished my last scoop of porridge. Then I slowly raised up the piece of 'siew mai' with my spoon, gazed at its soft, yellow flesh for a moment, before finally sinking my teeth into its sweet, juicy flesh.

And for those brief seconds that seemed like eternity, I said to myself, "Now THIS is Heaven!"

One thing I've learnt from my sickness - while cooped up in my seminary room for 4 terrible days save for the love, care and concern from my seminary brothers - is that, in the midst of our busy, jam-packed schedules that we so often get so caught up in, the "interruptions" of sickness or suffering, can actually be part of God's agenda to slow us down in order to sharpen our senses, not just to the heavenly taste of 'siew mai', but more importantly, to the taste of God. When my tired, sickly body caused me to slow down my movements around the room or in performing simple tasks like bathing or brushing my teeth; when having to eat alone made me slow down each spoonful I placed in my mouth such that it heightened my taste buds and I was more conscious of the variety of taste that my hardly noticed taste buds now seem to be able to savour; when my lack of activity during my solitary confinement left me more time to stare at the view of nature outside my room, allowing me to more deeply admire and appreciate its beauty and even smell the fresh air that came with it; all these experiences increased my sense of God's presence and action in my daily life, increased my sense of awe and wonder at His creation and works - something that have not been too apparent to me in the hustle and bustle of my daily routines.

"Slow down your life" nowadays seems such a cliche, and not many of us even know where to get started. But how about starting with "slow down your 5 senses?" Could we have been so busy that we have been 'overworking' our 5 senses, making them do overtime?

Without having to wait for sickness or a calamity to hit us, we can still take easy, practical steps to slow down our senses - or at least slow down every aspect of our life that requires the use of our 5 senses.

Walking
Instead of walking from place to place in hurried, purposeful steps, our minds cluttered with thoughts or worries concernig the destination we are heading towards, it could do us a lot of good by slowing down our footsteps, even if by half a pace. This will gradually turn our attention away from our destination and allow us to be more aware and conscious of our surroundings, the people and places that we pass by, the trees and birds that beautify our path, and even the gentle breeze that caresses our skin. And when an interesting sight catches our eye, take time to pause and admire, or stop to smell the roses or the rain. Soon, we will then begin to even sense God walking along with us, or invoke a sense of gratitude for His creations that He puts before us - and even if there should be an important meeting or function we were heading for, our minds would have been put to greater ease with our greater sense of God and His presence (versus our frantic, worrisome state of mind in the first scenario).

Eating
Instead of mindlessly gorging food just to fill your stomachs, try slowing down each spoonful and each act of mastication (chewing), and begin to savour every individual taste imbued in your meal. Or if you are with someone, slowing down the rate of eating allows you to focus more on the person, on the conversation, and the sense of God in this encounter that God brought into this moment. With this greater sense of God's presence and action, you could even be prompted to say an encouraging word that might actually make the person's day!

Spending time in silence
Instead of packing our day with activities and appointments, why not set aside some time of silence, even if for at least 10 mins a day, be it in your own room, chapel or adoration room, and allow your senses to slow down and even be still. In that moment, this gives your senses the much needed time and space to rest, and more effectively lead you to a greater sensitivity of the God within you, to go deeper into your heart and soul and bring out the sense of God which has often been stifled from the overworking of your senses.

Once we learn to slow down our senses, we learn to heighten our sense of God who has been working in us, and all around us, non-stop, all throughout the day. It is only up to us whether or not we are conscious enough to savour every taste of that Godly experience, even a deeper experience of His resurrection each day, which He is all ready to give us, once we are ready to sloooow... doooown...

Walking in the Dark

2010-10-18T21:33:00.006+08:00

I thanked God for the cool night - but not so much for the mosquitoes though...

As with every other night, I made the sign of the cross, and began walking around the seminary grounds, under the few twinkling stars that dipped the clear night sky. I then started to think of the few friends whom I recently conversed with or heard about - one just went through a painful break-up, another faced family problems, some others were going through a faith crisis, and a religious sister was stricken with cancer - and she didn't tell many of us about it.

Many questions swarmed my mind. The break-up reminded me of my own, and I shuddered as I relived my own pain from my own break-up some years back. Why play the cruel joke of giving us a whiff and taste of the sweetness and possibility of love only to snatch it away from our hands? - in those moments it would even have seemed we were better off without that whiff in the first place. Then family problems - how could one's sister be so insensitive to the family, and only care for her own needs and wants? Faith crisis? I'm not surprised. Look at the world, God. What a mess. Is it at all surprising so many people ask 'where is God?' And finally, the religious sister, who used to give so much of her time, presence and love to us. Why strike her with such a cruel condition at such a young age? Isn't there so much more she could still be doing in a world that's already in such a bad shape? And did it even leave her wanting to shut herself from the rest of us instead of getting all of us to pray for her? But then another thought quickly came to mind. I somehow sensed that she could be silently offering this suffering to God on behalf of the rest of the world, including us - what my spiritual Father calls 'Redemptive Suffering', with the same faith and trust as Blessed Chiara Badano, a member of the Focolare movement whose recent beautification at the young age of 19(!) I just read about in the CatholicNews awhile ago:

Chiara was diagnosed with bone cancer at the age of 17. Yet, she bore the news well, and offered up her sufferings, saying: “If you want it, Jesus, I want it too.” She endured much pain during countless tests and intensive treatment. When a tumour took away her ability to walk, she merely said: “Young people are the future. I can no longer run, but I want to pass the torch on to them like in the Olympics.”

Chiara continued to live the Gospel every day, and her faith in God gave her the peace and courage to cope with her illness. The people who surrounded her were awed by her serenity, and, despite the severe pain, her smile. She sought to console them instead, and prepared them for her departure. She saw her suffering as God asking more of her, and waited for the day she would meet Jesus.

At that point, I stopped in my tracks, looked up into the skies, and teared as I silently offered up my own personal suffering to God - the sacrifice of cutting off from the people I love, the residual pain of surrendering my past wants, the constant reminder of what I once had that I had to give up still lingering in my heart. I then asked Him to grant me and all my friends the strength and grace to accept these sufferings, to increase our love for Him and His people, and the patience and perseverance to run the race to the finishing line, according to the plan that He perfectly chose for each of us, for our good and the good of all His children...

With these intentions, I began my rosary.

The first... joyful... myster-... JOYFUL?! Why joyful?? Of all the days I happened to choose a Monday to offer up prayer intentions for people who are suffering. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to reflect on the Sorrowful Mysteries to find some meaning or reason for our suffering? But no... I'm supposed to contemplate on the JOYFUL mystery? How joyful can one's suffering be?! My human emotional reaction pushed my faith aside and barged its way out of my mind (indeed I was). But I quickly humbly shoved it back into my head before beginning with the first JOYFUL mystery.

The Annunciation

As I contemplated on how Angel Gabriel announced to Mary of God's plan for her, I realised that it may have seemed like exciting, billboard-huge, JOYFUL news to be told that she was to carry the child of Jesus in her womb, and she would be part of God's mega-plan to bring salvation into the world! But then, I also realised of the suffering Mary must've also foresaw as a result of such 'joyful' news - the possibility of being stoned, the unkind names people might throw at her for being an unwed mother, her possibly unbelieving would-be husband. Yet, she still chose to say "yes", to accept God's plan for her, along with all the suffering that may follow, with faith and trust.

Can I accept the 'annunciation' of my suffering with the same faith and trust, saying "yes" to God's ultimate plan for me despite the current trials that His plan seems to include (and hope it's not just a loophole in His plan)?

The Visitation

The image of Elizabeth came to mind, and the miracle of her pregnancy at an age where she should've been barren. The words followed in my head: "Nothing is impossible for God."

Can I trust that amidst seemingly barren circumstances, where all tears have been exhausted and no hope seems to be in sight, can I still believe that nothing is impossible for God, that His goodness and promises will eventually prevail?

The Birth of Jesus

Jesus suffered even from the time of his birth, being born on a prickly haystack, surrounded by the fine stench of farm animals. But in return, He received Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh - to remind Jesus of His identity as King of God's new eternal kingdom, His role as Priest to bring comfort, healing and God's message of love and truth to His people, and finally His mission to suffer and Die for our sins so that we may receive salvation.

Can we, in the midst of prickly and stinking situations, still recall and accept our identity as precious children of God, heirs to His heavenly kingdom, our role as priests (common or ministerial) to be witnesses of faith and love to others when we persevere in our suffering and inspire others to do the same, and our mission to suffer and 'die' to our comforts, desires and will, in order to carry out God's plan of salvation and share in the glory of Jesus' resurrection when the time comes? Can we also accept God's many other gifts, including the gift of faith, hope, and love, to sustain us through our ordeal and keep us close to Him?

The Presentation

By consecrating their son Jesus to the Lord at the temple, Mary and Joseph chose to offer up to God all that He has given, with no thought of 'possessing' and claiming ownership over their son, recognising that everything is a pure gift from God.

Can we too consecrate our lives to God, recognising that we have no rightful claim, ownership or control over everything God has placed in our lives, and realising that only when we submit our lives and will to God, can His perfect plan for us be fulfilled in our lives where true peace, love, joy and fulfilment will indeed be given to us at the appropriate time?

Finally, the Finding of Jesus at the Temple

For this last mystery, I was prompted to close my eyes, and recall how Mary and Joseph must have been worried sick while they were anxiously looking for their son, uncertain and 'blind' to his whereabouts and having to count on patience, hope, and gruelling hours of waiting and searching until they found their son. This reminded me of how in the midst of our suffering, we too find ourselves trapped in total darkness, uncertain of the future ahead of us, unknowing of where to go from here, frustrated over having no clear direction as to where all this suffering is leading us to?

As I continued my rosary walk, contemplating on this last mystery, and prompted to keep my eyes closed while walking in order to enter into the 'darkness' of our suffering, I began to notice my steps slowing down, my awareness of my surrounding increased, and my senses sharpened as I tried to feel my way ahead with my feet to ensure I didn't fall into a drain or crash into a tree. Sure enough, while I was mid-way through my last decade of the rosary, my slipper touched the curb in time for me to freeze immediately. As I slowly opened my eyes, I realised that if I hadn't stopped in time, I would've been on my way to falling into a drain!

That was when I realised what suffering does for us. In life, we often get so busy and caught up with life, clammering for what we desire, that we fail to slow down, fail to be aware of what God truly wills for us. Suffering does that for us. It gives us a much-needed opportunity to slow down, and hopefully after we get tired of ranting and raving and getting angry with God, we may eventually decide to rest in Him, another much-needed opportunity that we rarely make time for. And once we slow down, our awareness of God in our surrounding and in our hearts increase along with our senses that begin to sharpen as we gradually begin to sense God's comfort in the small things - a comforting word from a friend, an encouraging email that 'happened' to be sent to you, or even an out-of-the blue kid that smiles at you, things which you normally don't realise in the hustle and bustle of life. And that is when we begin to slowly become more conscious and aware of God's love and faithfulness towards us, and begin to desire to grow in our relationship with God, and trust in His ways.

Sometimes, God is afraid (and even knows how) our fast-paced, spiritually-starved lives may one day drive us not just into a curb or a drain but even off a cliff if we are not careful. Out of His love, as much as it must hurt Him more than it hurts us, He allows suffering to enter our lives, to throw us into darkness and uncertainty, in order to slow us down, and 'force' us to increase our awareness and sharpen our senses to His abounding and faithful love, so that we may not only stop ourselves from hitting the curb, but more importantly begin to be more aware of His love, trust in His ways, and walk with Him hopefully for the rest of our lives, towards His perfect plan for us.

As I ended my rosary with this final insight, I stood under the clear night sky, slightly different from how I first began this rosary walk, no longer harbouring disconcerting thoughts, but thankful for the JOYFUL outcome of tonight's contemplative rosary walk, and filled with a renewed sense of hope, courage, and trust, for myself and on behalf of my friends, knowing that God knows what He is doing, and He does it for our own good, out of His faithful and total love for us.

I also thanked God for the blinding darkness in our lives.

Even when we find ourselves constantly walking in the darkness of our shadows, it is Christ who has been constantly walking right behind us, shining His Eternal Light onto us to show that we are never alone.

The Tax Collector

2010-09-21T11:49:00.003+08:00

Not many people share the privilege that I have of being called a ‘tax collector’, a term people often associate me with whenever they find out I work in a corporate tax department, which leads me having to quickly clarify that I DO NOT collect taxes but am actually helping companies maximise their tax savings, a nicer way of saying avoid taxes. But this makes me wonder about the negative connotation which the term ‘tax collector’ seems to convey. Only when I remind myself of St Matthew the tax collector, whose feast we celebrate today, do I then take pride and joy of once being called a ‘tax collector’ too.

When we bring ourselves to the scene where Matthew was seated at the tax office, we can most probably assume that despite accumulating so much wealth from cheating the people from their taxes, his heart must have still been restless and unfulfilled, as if deep in his heart he was unknowingly sharing the same sentiments as the psalmist of Psalm 62:

“O God, you are my God, for you I long;
For you my soul is thirsting.
My body pines for you
like a dry, weary land without water.”

I’m sure this is a sentiment many of us can relate to, consciously or subconsciosly. I, for one, identify this very well when within the first two years of my career, despite my good performance, bonuses and great career prospects, I was still feeling very much unfulfilled and restless in my workplace - and guess where this has led me to.

And so in the midst of our daily restlessness and knowing or unknowing thirst for God, each morning as the light of dawn approaches, each day as the Light of the Lord's resurrection which culminates in the Lord's Day (Sunday) approaches with each passing weekday, we too see Jesus approaching us the way he approached Matthew, calling us to to rise from our seats and our (physical and spiritual) sleep, to follow Him, to walk towards His Light, and to

"...gaze on you in the sanctuary
to see your strength and your glory."

And only when we have chosen to follow Christ the way Matthew immediately got up from his seat and followed Him, can we then experience the joy and fulfilment of following His ways and filling our thirsting souls with Living Water, proclaiming deep in our hearts:

"For your love is better than life,
my lips will speak your praise.
So I will bless you all my life,
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul shall be filled as with a banquet,
my mouth shall praise you with joy."

And with our restless souls resting in the Lord, our spirits filled with His fulfilment, our lips filled with His praise, it is then for us to recall the many other restless souls out there in the world who are equally, knowingly or unknowingly, thirsting for the Lord, and to remember our mission to be the image of Christ to the world, joining Jesus in His mission of calling others to follow Christ, joining St Matthew in His apostolic service and evangelical work to the world through His life and words found in the Gospel.

Where we may not be able to become an evangelist like St Matthew through our writings, may we instead learn to become an evangelist for Christ through our everyday lives, so that at the end of each day as we return from daylight, we can end our day with the remaining words of the psalmist of Psalm 62:

"On my bed I remember you.
On you I muse through the night
for your have been my help;
in the shadow of your wings I rejoice.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand holds me fast."

YOUR OWN VERSION

You are writing a Gospel,

A chapter each day,

By deeds that you do,

By words that you say.

Men read what you write,

whether faithless or true,

Say, what is the Gospel,

According to you?

- Paul Gilbert

SHORT of CHANGE

2010-09-19T21:28:00.013+08:00

First Reading (Amos 8:4-7)

Listen to this, you who trample on the needy

and try to suppress the poor people of the country,

you who say, ‘When will New Moon be over

so that we can sell our corn,

and sabbath, so that we can market our wheat?

Then by lowering the bushel, raising the shekel,

by swindling and tampering with the scales,

we can buy up the poor for money,

and the needy for a pair of sandals,

and get a price even for the sweepings of the wheat.’

The Lord swears it by the pride of Jacob,

‘Never will I forget a single thing you have done.’

Many of us would not at first find today's first reading very relevant to this day and age and trade that many of us are in. Hardly anyone of us would fancy selling corn, or even know how to use a scale, let alone try to cheat and swindle the poor and needy. But upon further reflection, I found today's first reading presenting me with a question that makes it a whole lot more relevant to me today:

"Have I been SHORTCHANGING the 'poor' in my life?"

What initially came to mind were the occasions during mass, when the wardens were doing their rounds collecting our monetary offerings, and I would, to my horror, find a large dollar bill in my wallet which would almost immediately and stealthily find its way back to my pocket, while I try to tell myself that I was SHORT of (smaller) CHANGE and could somehow be excused from making a contribution that Sunday. Another of such instances would be the times I would find myself approached by eager students carrying shiny tin cans during flag day, and I would do them a favour by opening my wallet, only to apologise and declare that I was SHORT of (small) CHANGE before conveniently slipping past them and going on my way.

But I soon came to realise that the 'poor' weren't just the people I failed to give my small change to. At a deeper level, the 'poor' also constitutes the many people whom I failed to share my God-given gifts, blessings and resources with in more ways than just monetary terms. The 'poor' could be the family member I failed to spend enough quality time with, or failed to show my appreciation for their love and concern all these years. The 'poor' could be the friends in need that I conveniently avoided for various self-serving reasons. The 'poor' could be my parish when I failed to offer my time, gifts and talents in service to them. The 'poor' could be society at large when I fail to give my very best in my studies and work which God had given me the opportunity and wisdom to do so in order to make a difference in society. The 'poor' could be the fellow Catholics whom I impose my own standards of Chrisitianity as a yardstick of my expectation of them, forgetting that the experiences God gave me that led to such standards in my life were meant to give life and hope to others, not used to judge them. The 'poor' could also be the world when I fail to honesty seek and submit to God's will for me, to live out the true vocation God meant for me, for the service of the whole world.

And so in so many various ways, I could be shortchanging the 'poor' not only by failing to give them the 'spare change' that I have - the spare time, the spare resources, the spare energy that we often claim to be SHORT of, therefore giving us the excuse not to do anything for others; rather I shortchange the 'poor' even more when I fail to offer them ALL of what I've received from God, whenever I fail to fully exercise responsible and life-giving stewardship over the gifts, blessings and resources God has blessed me with, choosing to 'hoard' them for my own self-serving benefits instead of sharing them with the people around me who could be 'short' of such blessings and gifts, 'poor' in resources of time, love, appreciation etc.

And for all of our actions or lack there of, the Lord warns that not a single thing we have done (or not done)will be forgotten.

Second Reading (1 Timothy 2:1-8)

My advice is that, first of all, there should be prayers offered for everyone – petitions, intercessions and thanksgiving – and especially for kings and others in authority, so that we may be able to live religious and reverent lives in peace and quiet. To do this is right, and will please God our saviour: he wants everyone to be saved and reach full knowledge of the truth. For there is only one God, and there is only one mediator between God and mankind, himself a man, Christ Jesus, who sacrificed himself as a ransom for them all. He is the evidence of this, sent at the appointed time, and I have been named a herald and apostle of it and – I am telling the truth and no lie – a teacher of the faith and the truth to the pagans.

In every place, then, I want the men to lift their hands up reverently in prayer, with no anger or argument.

To help us remain good stewards of our gifts, blessings and resources, St Paul advises that the first and foremost thing we could do, and something not too difficult a task to do in fact, is to PRAY.

The first could be a prayer of THANKSGIVING, to remind ourselves that all we have received in life come from God who first loved us. We have done nothing to deserve all that has been given out of His generosity and love. Nothing we have is really ours to possess or to 'own', for everything belongs to God our Provider and Creator, and everything has been simply a gift bestowed to us.

Next could be a prayer of PETITION, to ask God to grant us a greater daily awareness of our responsibility as good stewards of our gifts, blessings and resources, to be aware of every opportunity we can put these gifts, blessings and resources to good use in service of others, and to guard ourselves against shortchanging the 'poor' through our misuse and abuse of our God-given gifts.

Last but not least, could be a prayer of INTERCESSION for others whom we are called to live our lives for. Where we first find it difficult to even begin using our gifts, blessings and resources for others, the first and most simple act of responsible stewardship we could exercise is to spend our God-given time, opportunity and well-being praying for the people who are short of such blessings. We could pray for our family members even if we find it difficult to find time, or awkward to do anything special at the start. We could pray for our friends who are in helpless situations. We could pray for the world each time we read a depressing account in the news. All this would create a greater awareness of the many 'poor' people out there whom our gifts and blessings were meant to be shared, and even lead us to actions beyond prayer alone, and prompt us to take concrete actions of sharing our time, blessings, love, availability, encouragement, wisdom, experiences with the many people out there SHORT of such a life-giving CHANGE in their lives!

And St Paul reassures us that to do all this is right and pleasing to God, for God wishes for ALL to receive His blessings and full knowledge of His love and goodness, through the selfless sharing and giving from those who have to those who have not, so that ALL may be led to live religious and reverent lives in peace and quiet.

Gospel Reading (Luke 16:1-13)

Jesus said to his disciples, ‘There was a rich man and he had a steward denounced to him for being wasteful with his property. He called for the man and said, “What is this I hear about you? Draw me up an account of your stewardship because you are not to be my steward any longer.” Then the steward said to himself, “Now that my master is taking the stewardship from me, what am I to do? Dig? I am not strong enough. Go begging? I should be too ashamed. Ah, I know what I will do to make sure that when I am dismissed from office there will be some to welcome me into their homes.”

Then he called his master’s debtors one by one. To the first he said, “How much do you owe my master?” “One hundred measures of oil” was the reply. The steward said, “Here, take your bond; sit down straight away and write fifty.” To another he said, “And you, sir, how much do you owe?” “One hundred measures of wheat” was the reply. The steward said, “Here, take your bond and write eighty.”

‘The master praised the dishonest steward for his astuteness. For the children of this world are more astute in dealing with their own kind than are the children of light.

‘And so I tell you this: use money, tainted as it is, to win you friends, and thus make sure that when it fails you, they will welcome you into the tents of eternity. The man who can be trusted in little things can be trusted in great; the man who is dishonest in little things will be dishonest in great. If then you cannot be trusted with money, that tainted thing, who will trust you with genuine riches? And if you cannot be trusted with what is not yours, who will give you what is your very own?

‘No servant can be the slave of two masters: he will either hate the first and love the second, or treat the first with respect and the second with scorn. You cannot be the slave both of God and of money.’

For all of us who have now realised how we may have been wasteful with the 'property' - our gifts, blessings and resources - that God made us stewards over, and in the process shortchanged our fellow neighbour in Christ, such that we ourselves become SHORT of the CHANGE of mindset and attitude towards stewardship required in our lives, yet are uncertain if we're capable of making that big step in the opposite direction, the Gospel reading brings us good news that we only need to take small steps towards good and responsible stewardship.

If like the dishonest steward, we decide to amend our ways and do something seemingly good for others (in the way he reduced the debts of his master's debtors), for the sake of our own personal redemption, the Lord reassures us that if we can be trusted with little things, even if using worldly wisdom, we can then be trusted in greater things. We may first give our time and resources to others with the hope of God blessing OURSELVES more in return, or be there for a friend so that the friend will also be there for us in times of our need, or serve the church to get better recognition or praise or attention, or help the poor just to feel good about myself; even if we were to do all these acts of self-giving stewardship for the sake of our own benefit, the Lord assures us that through these initial acts, He will eventually purify our motivations and give us the grace and wisdom that will lead us to greater acts of genuine love, care and self-sacrifice done for the sake of others.

For God promises that when we can be trusted in worldly stewardship, He will trust us with genuine spiritual wealth. When we can be trusted with what is not ours - for even the gifts, blessings and resources can be taken away from us at any time, He will trust us with what is rightfully ours - our sonship with God as our Father, to be heir of His heavenly riches in His kingdom.

Whatever we shortchange of the 'poor', we too shortchange ourselves of the eternal riches in heaven. Whatever we give to the 'poor' out of responsible, selfless, self-giving stewardship over our gifts, blessings and resources, a hundrefold will be given back to us for eternity.

As an elderly person shared in a recent newspaper article of a lesson he learnt through his years of life experiences:

"Money that is kept will never be yours. Money that is given will come back to you a hundredfold."

The Stranger On The Plane

2010-09-16T12:35:00.000+08:00

A man was on a flight to Rome. Feeling bored, he turned to the passenger beside him and began striking a conversation. He was very impressed by how polite, friendly, and engaging this passenger was, who was even helpful enough to call for the air stewardess when he noticed another passenger looking pale and nauseous. When they arrived at the airport in Rome and reached the arrival gate together, his flight companion was greeted by a lady, “Good morning Father O’ Neil. Welcome to Rome.” Realising that the person he had been conversing with was a priest, he turned to him and asked, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier you were a priest?” The priest then smiled, and politely replied, “If you are unable to tell from seeing, then why should you believe by hearing?”

It is not enough to know God just by hearing about Him. We only start to really know God by seeing Him, as revealed in His Son Jesus Christ. Only by seeing and following what Jesus did in the Gospels and in our lives, can we then start to understand and believe in Him and His love for us.

The scripture verses from 1 John 2:3-4 tells us that:

“We can be sure that we know God only by keeping his commandments. Anyone who says, ‘I know him’, and does not keep his commandments, is a liar, refusing to admit the truth.”

‘To know someone’ in the biblical context is not just the result of an intellectual process. Rather, it is the fruit of a personal encounter with the person. For God, only by keeping His commandments, by following Jesus in the way He loved the Father and His neighbour, only then can we encounter God whose love then comes to perfection in us.

As we live each day trying to be open to a personal encounter with God by keeping His commandments, let us pray for ourselves in the words that the psalmist of psalm 138 proclaims:

“O search me, God, and know my heart.
O test me and know my thoughts.
See that I follow not the wrong path
and lead me in the path of life eternal.”

May we, by seeing and following the path of Jesus, know God fully, so that the world may come to know God not merely by our words, but by seeing God reflected in us and in the church today.

No pain, all gain

2010-08-16T17:31:00.000+08:00

The roll call one July morning at Block Fourteen, where Saint Maximilian was being kept, revealed that a prisoner had escaped. Commandant Fritch’s policy in such cases was to assemble all the prisoners from the block in the yard where they would stand at attention the whole day. If, by the end of the day, the escapee had not been recovered, ten others would be chosen at random to die in his place – death by starvation.

By three o’clock the prisoner was still not found and Fritch selected his victims. One of them, Francis Gajowniczek, cried out, “My poor wife, my poor children! What will happen to my family!” At that moment another prisoner stepped up to the commandant with hat in hand. Fritch bellowed, “What does this Polish pig want?”

The reply came: “I am a Catholic priest from Poland. I would like to take his place, because he has a wife and children.”

A Witness recalls, “From astonishment, the commandant appeared unable to speak. After a moment he gave a sign with the hand. He spoke but one word: ‘Away!’ Gajowniczek received the command to return to the row he had just left. In this manner Father Maximilian took the place of the condemned man.”

From the hour that Father Kolbe descended into the starvation bunker – dark, cold underground cells of torture where human beings were left naked without any food or water to shrivel up and die in unspeakable agony – from that hour a great change came over the horrible place. Its keepers testify that the wailing and cries of suffering that earlier reverberated off the bunker’s walls were now converted into prayers and hymns. The change, in fact, was seen throughout the whole camp. Beatings were less frequent and less severe after the holy man’s sacrifice. Even Fritch himself took no more hostage – victims to die in the place of escapees.

“Never before,” said the guards, “have we seen anything like this.” When they made their morning rounds at the bunker to remove starvation – consumed corpses, they would find among the heaps of agonized, half-dead victims one who was always in prayer on his knees or standing, one who was always bright and fully conscious, one who was always peaceful and well kept. That one was Father Kolbe. “As if in ecstasy, his face was radiant. His body was spotless, and one could say that it radiated light,” an attendant reports. “I will never forget the impression this made on me.”

(excerpt from http://catholicism.org/maximilian-kolbe.html)

Last Saturday, on 14th August, in the midst of the seminary's Vocation Discernment 'Broken to Complete' Recollection, we also celebrated the memorial of St Maximilian Kolbe, a Catholic priest who volunteered to die on behalf of a fellow prisoner, who had a family to support. During one of the Recollection sessions, Fr Alex highlighted to us the amazing fact that while St Maximilian was approaching his death in a slow, painful way by starvation, an eye-witness account from one of the guards described his face to be "bright and fully-conscious, one who was always peaceful and well-kept... As if in ecstasy, his face was radiant. His body was spotless, and one could say that it radiated light." Fr Alex further shared his reflection that one of the reasons why many of the martyred saints could willingly die for Christ (such as St Lawrence, whose feast we recently celebrated, and was literally barbequed to death - and he could even joke with his torturers to flip him over while he was on his 'BBQ pit') could be that - they felt no pain! They could possibly have been so mesmorised by God and their love for Him that they truly felt no physical pain. And this was my take-away from the Recollection.

Looking back at my own vocation journey, during the many times that I would cry foul for the pain, suffering, resentment, jealousy, self-doubt, unworthiness etc. that I was experiencing, I realised these were the moments where I was focusing my attention very much on me, myself and I (the lonely trinity as shared by one of the seminarian brothers). Fr Ronald Rolheiser, in one of his recent columns in the Catholic News, also termed this as the 'Ego-drama' - where the drama of our lives were centered upon our Ego-self. In this Ego-drama, he explains that life is all about ME, about things having to always go MY way, and about getting the things that I want. The problem with the Ego-drama is that it is very much dependent on the situations in our lives, the external forces of circumstance, where we have little, if not more often than not, NO control over. That is why we often find ourselves going through mood swings depending on where the wind blows, frustrated when things don't go our way, angry and resentful when our loved ones get taken away, disappointed when our personal dreams and desires do not materialise, flustered when we see acts of injustice and persecution blatantly being carried out with no seeming end to it...

Yet, in recent times, I realised that it is when I begin to shift my focus away from my Ego-self, and centre it on God alone, do I then find my apparent pain, frustrations, anger etc slowly fade away, making room for inner joy, peace and hope to slowly pour into my heart. This is what Fr Ronald Rolheiser terms as the 'Theo-drama' - where we make God centre-stage of our life drama, making our lives not about us but about Him, and surrendering and subjecting every aspect of our life according to His plans, His ways, and His will. The difference in the Theo-drama is that spiritual state of heart and mind is independent of external circumstance, and dependent instead on an unchanging, unfailing, ever-loving, ever-faithful God. And because God never changes His loving and faithful nature, so too will we not be moved in our spiritual state of inner joy, peace and hope - which may even flow into our emotional and even physical states of heart and mind - so long as our gaze and focus continues to be centered on God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (the Holy Trinity that never leaves us feeling alone or in despair).

The effects of the Theo-drama, and the idea of some martyrs possibly feeling no pain before their death, was somewhat concretised in my own experiences of self-mortification that I attempted since Lent this year, by kneeling without a cushion for an hour before the Blessed Sacrament on certain days of the week, and especially by my record experience of kneeling for 3 whole hours before the Blessed Sacrament just before the Good Friday procession at St Joseph's church - as described in my previous entry 'In His Footsteps'). Although initially, I could feel the pain emerging from my knees as if my body got heavier by the minute, it was when I continued to fight the pain and remain focused on the Blessed Sacrament that I began to enter deeper into the presence of Christ, to the point of being almost mesmorised by God Himself, and oblivious to my surroundings, not anxiously counting down how long I had to stay in that position for, and truth be told - oblivious of any pain that I was initially feeling! Indeed, it was like going through a tiny sliver of what some martyrs may have had to go through while being slowly tortured to death - NO PAIN!

But of course, to reach that true stage of replacing the Ego-drama with the Theo-drama, of dying to self to the point of feeling no pain, and experiencing all the gain of peace, radiance and ecstasy, does not happen overnight. As I'm sure was the case for many of the martyrs, it demands the daily consciousness of seeking out opportunities to practice dying to self, dying to the ego; to constantly subject ourselves to the pain of being bread broken for others in order to slowly internalise the Theo-drama, and make it such a part of our daily lives that it becomes second nature. It demands choosing to sacrifice my comforts and inconveniences for the sake of others. It demands making choices that are not self-motivated but motivated by love for others. It demands that I die to my will of how things should be done, and learn to entrust things to God's way of doing things according to His time and purpose. It may even demand me to die to my pain and frustration in view of certain injustices or persecutions that I see happening in the church today, and focus on the hope and victory of God in His time.

And so for me, this truly encapsulates the theme of the Voction Discernment Recollection - 'Broken to Complete', whereby one follows Jesus not just in the way of which vocation He calls us to follow, but more so in following Jesus all the way to the cross, where He broke Himself by dying on the cross, so as to complete His mission of making His Church one complete Body, bringing us completeness of joy, peace, love, and ultimately salvation. And so regardless of whichever vocation we may be called to - whether religious life, marriage, or even as a single - all of us are called to break of ourselves through the sacrifices that comes with every vocation, so that we may echo the words of St Paul who proclaimed, "At present I rejoice when I suffer for you; I complete in my own flesh what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ for the sake of his body, which is the Church." (Colossians 1:24). It is also through this dying to ourselves, that we truly forget our entire ego-self, and bring our complete attention towards God, as if the self dies away, to the point that there is no 'self' left to feel any physical or emotional pain and suffering, such that "it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).

With every daily moment-to-moment step of dying to our ego-self, I believe we can be one step closer of experiencing what St Maximilian did - that amidst all the turmoil, suffering, stormy days that we may be subjected to, we can still truly feel NO PAIN, but only ALL the GAIN of God's never-failing, everlasting love, joy and peace that leaves us radiant and in complete ecstasy.

Into the deep

2010-08-04T17:18:00.000+08:00

I never could understand why some people would still go for Mass on Sundays when they didn't appear interested in the Mass at all. I get a little annoyed when people come late or leave early, or do anything else you can think of (even eat chicken wings or cut their kids' toenails as pointed out by a priest) except pay attention and participate in the Eucharistic celebration. Why bother to come at all if there was no sense of sacredness, no sense of community worship, no sense of thanksgiving? Do they really believe that just 'appearing' at Mass allows God to put a tick against their weekly attendance for Mass and thereafter leave them alone for the rest of the week?

I never could understand... until I became 'one of them' myself, somewhat... for almost a month.

I used to point out that being in the seminary can place you in a rather 'protected and safe' environment, allowing you to focus more fully in one's prayer life and formation. Once we're able to leave the seminary on days-off or for pastoral work, the challenges of self-discipline and management of distractions come into play. I never really felt the full force of this effect, until I spent my last 2 months outside of the seminary during our semester break, and found myself plunging into the deep.

The Plunge
I can't really put a finger as to when or how it started. It could have been the home environment where I was back in, with creature comforts at arm's reach and no timetable to structure the use of my time. It could have been the sudden 'freedom' of being back in the familiar world to wander about, meet up with friends, and enjoy not having to work nor study that got me a little complacent. But most of all, certain events triggered back memories of what I used to have in the past, what I had to let go and leave behind in order to pursue my calling, and these just rocketed me into a phase of resentment and jealousy all over again, which when combined with the other factors above, landed me into a deep, dark period of what one may call 'spiritual darkness' - where I found little desire to follow through with the prayer routine I had conscientiously built up over my last 5 months in the seminary, faced much procrastination to wake up early for mass or to spend an hour before the Blessed Sacrament (a once much loved and desired time with the Lord), and started asking all the 'why me?' questions all over again.

The last time something like this happened was just after my first calling from God 3 years ago, a time when me and my then girlfriend spent an entire month being angry at God for doing something like this to us, and even stopped praying or attending mass just to 'get back at Him'.

So to relive this experience, though familiar, felt awful and miserable. To once again retaliate somewhat against God who has been loving me so faithfully and completely, really made me feel very bad and guilty, yet I could find nothing within me to stop myself from sinking deeper into my misery pool, and could only watch myself descending further and further away from the light up above and into the deep, dark murky waters of my spiritual darkness.

Yet, strangely, it was in the deep, dark murky waters that I began to uncover some hidden treasures, the first of which was my insight into the people I described at the beginning of my post.

The Treasure
Despite my sorry state, there were days when I found myself in church on a weekday due to guilt and a convenient opportunity to go for mass in the evening before meeting someone for dinner. After a few of these instances, I began to ask myself one day, "Why do I still bother to come for mass when I know I am not really paying attention, my mind is wandering all over, my heart is lukewarm and maybe even still resentful and angry with God, and the joy and sacredness I used to experience during mass is not present?" That was when I began to realise I was slowly slipping into the 'category' of people I once cast judgement on.

As I dwelled deeper into this mystery (when I should have been dwelling on the mystery of Christ's resurrection during mass - now you see how my mind was wandering), the answer slowly arose from the depths of the murky waters:

somewhere deep down inside of me, in the very depths of my soul, in the deep recesses of my heart where God's blueprint of human life may be found, was that deep hunger, thirst and desire for God, trying desperately to reach out to be satisfied by God and God alone, yet buried under the thick cloud of human emotions and distractions that seem to offer something better and worth paying more attention to. SOMETHING deep within me wanted God. SOMETHING deep within me knew what my soul most needed. SOMETHING deep within me somehow compelled me to 'appear' for mass, even for that little, obscure, unnoticed bit of satisfaction that the soul could smell or even savour from beneath the outwardly uninterested body and mind. And I became convinced that SOMETHING is found in everyone of us, even in every 'Sunday Catholic', lapsed Catholic, whatever kind of Catholic or non-Catholic you may wish to term...as long as we were all made in the image and likeness of God.

This truly allowed me to come out of the darkness a little and begin seeing others in a better light, even those who eat chicken wings or cut toenails during Mass. No longer am I keen to judge them like before, but to recognise that each of us has that deep, lingering desire and thirst for God, despite being clouded by human weaknesses and distractions of laziness, resentment, sorrow, major upset in life etc that have often kept us in the dark from what could truly satisfy our deepest angst. Whatever it may be, everyone has that basic unit of goodness and desire for complete goodness to be found in God alone...yet we're all still on the journey searching for that desire, amidst the many forms we think it takes after in the variety of attractions and 'ideals of goodness' offered by the world today.

In the same way, though the above realisation did not immediately bring me back up to the surface of my misery pool, I somehow knew deep down that that SOMETHING was slowly finding it's way back up. I just had to embrace this experience, possibly to better appreciate and understand what others may be going through, and be less quick to judge.

I even remember once how I was trying to encourage someone to get back into her faith life, by simply spending 5 mins a day with God. To me, just 5 mins a day can't be that difficult right? But she shocked me when she disagreed being able to do even that. It had only been during my 1-month episode that I began to better understand how that can happen to her if it can even happen to me.

The Key To The Other Treasure
But the point of my sharing, apart from my realisation not to make judgements on others so quickly, is also not to find ourselves a justification or an excuse to remain in whatever state of spiritual darkness we may be in. The other hidden treasure I found in the murky waters, was another key to releasing the chains that weigh us down in order to rise back up into the open waters of God's love where we can once again bask in the divine Light of His grace and mercy.

Only after almost a month later did I finally find the courage to speak to my spiritual director about this situation. Instead of the reprimand I felt I deserved, he merely shook my hand and welcomed me to reality. He assured me that no one would be spared of this phase in life, and that it can keep coming back to bring us down all over again. Yet, the most important thing I learnt, was not to give up. And very much ironically, the only way to find our way back to God, was God Himself. It reminded me of the quote I came across many years ago, whereby it says "we can only be healed by the sword that pierced us" - relating to how God would be the only healer that can heal us of the wounds that seem to come from God Himself, or at least wounds that we blame Him for.

As crazy and unthinkable as it may sound, the way to make sense of the conflicts that surround our life, the questions that we can't come to terms with, the afflictions that seem to have been sent by God, or the unforeseen tragedies of people or things most important or most loved by us being taken away by God, the very things that drive us far, far away from God or far from the desire to draw closer to Him, is to stop looking at ourselves and all our problems in the mirror, and to start lifting our head to catch sight of the glimmer of God's Light desperately reaching out to us through our dark, murky waters.

As difficult and senseless as it may be, until we can turn our attention back to God, can we slowly (and I really mean slowly) find ourself back into His Light, and subsequently allow the Light that fills our hunger and quenches our thirst to slowly further lure us back into His full Light.

As Psalm 139 beautifully reminds me:
"Where else could I go from your Spirit?
Where could I flee from your presence?
You are there if I ascend the heavens;
you are there if I descend to the depths.

If I ride on the wings of the dawn
and settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand shall guide me
and your right hand shall hold me safely.
Shall I say, "Let darkness hide me,
I prefer the night as my light?"

But darkness for you is not dark
and night for you shines as the day."

Resurfacing
After my spiritual direction session, and after receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I began my upward task of trying to bring myself up to the surface of my misery pool. Very timely, that soon followed with a family trip to Perth where time with family reminded me of God's blessings in my life, blessings that hadn't been taken away from me, and where trips to places in Perth revealed God's awesome beauty of His creation through the astounding rock formations, intricate and unbelievable limestone formations in the caves, the vast oceans that flowed into the magnificent beaches, and the surreal sight of the milky way and its accompanying star constellations hovering above in the clear night sky. All at once, I realised how small I really was in the midst of the whole of God's creation, yet how awfully privileged I really am to be most loved by God out of all His creations. Yet, here I was dwelling in my small misery pool amidst all of creation, focusing so much of what I'm not getting, and missing out on EVERYTHING good that God wants to give me.

Soonafter, I slowly found myself regaining my desire for prayer, beginning with faithfully praying the divine office, bringing my parents for mass during our vacation, and settling myself into the usual prayer routines once I came back to Singapore. Shortly, I began to resurface from my murky pool and was once again able to joyfully embrace the delicious rays of God's divine Light and goodness and satisfy the deep thirst and hunger for God's immense and overwhelming love.

Looking back, I truly thank God for this experience, for entering into the deep, in order to truly discover what was hungering deep within us. And I will be praying for each of you, in whatever state of spiritual darkness you may be in, even if for a long, long time, that within the deepest recesses of your heart, that deep hunger and thirst for God will slowly and even unknowingly draw itself out of the depths of your murky waters and fight its way for your sake, in order to bring you the tiniest strength and desire to even lift your head a tiny bit just enough to catch sight of the tiniest glimmer of God's Light, enough to set you going on your journey back into the depths of His love, so that you too may one day join me in rejoicing with praise and thanksgiving, that we're indeed glad and grateful...

...to have gone into the deep...

...and back...

...into the depths of His everlasting and never failing LOVE.

Faith gives sight, not the other way round

2010-05-27T17:29:00.001+08:00

Gospel Reading: Mark 10:46-52
As Jesus left Jericho with his disciples and a large crowd, Bartimaeus (that is, the son of Timaeus), a blind beggar, was sitting at the side of the road. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout and to say, ‘Son of David, Jesus, have pity on me.’ And many of them scolded him and told him to keep quiet, but he only shouted all the louder, ‘Son of David, have pity on me.’ Jesus stopped and said, ‘Call him here.’ So they called the blind man. ‘Courage,’ they said ‘get up; he is calling you.’ So throwing off his cloak, he jumped up and went to Jesus. Then Jesus spoke, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ ‘Rabbuni,’ the blind man said to him ‘Master, let me see again.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Go; your faith has saved you.’ And immediately his sight returned and he followed him along the road.

I'm sure we can identify with the blind beggar many times in our lives. So often we find ourselves screaming in our heads and crying in our hearts, 'Son of David, have pity on me!' These are moments where we are being plagued by calamity, injustice, suffering, and all other kinds of misfortune that we're unable to 'see' any good coming out from it and are left to demanding some pity shown unto us by the removal of our misfortune so that we can 'see again' clear skies, pretty rainbows, and birds chirping in the trees...

Yet Bartimaeus differs from many of us because of one thing he had that we often lack: Faith in the Lord Jesus. And it is his Faith that saved him, that allowed him to 'see again'...an outcome we seem to be waiting ages for.

As mentioned in my previous post, seeing (results) is NOT (the criteria for) believing (in God and His love for us). Rather, Faith is the criteria for God to make us 'see again'. Not that God NEEDS our faith before He can work a miracle on us. Instead, it is Faith that WE need before we can start to be open to God's love and receive His healing power. Yet so often we seem to be demanding that He FIRST makes us 'see again', to prove to us that He really loves us by making us well and dandy and free from all our problems and suffering BEFORE we start to have faith in Him.

I have often fallen into this trap. It could be in my own personal struggle and suffering where I allow myself to fall onto the slippery road of wallowing deep in self-pity, crying for help yet refusing to turn towards Him out of resentment and defiance. Sometimes, I even dare God to resolve my problems before I am willing to follow His ways or serve Him. Other times, it could be in situations in church or in ministry where things seem to be going awfully wrong, and I turn to Him in prayer, yet not with faith, but with the expectation that He resolves the problem in the way I think best (i.e. the removal of someone who has become a hindrance or thorn in the flesh, OR for Him to work His magic and somehow brainwash people to suddenly have a change of heart overnight). And when this isn't done, I seem to be justified or have the excuse to blame Him and question His love and power.

Still, the question remains: how then can we possess the Faith required of us that even a blind beggar was able to possess?

1st reading: 1 Peter 2:2-5,9-12
     You are new born, and, like babies, you should be hungry for nothing but milk – the spiritual honesty which will help you to grow up to salvation – now that you have tasted the goodness of the Lord.
     He is the living stone, rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him; set yourselves close to him so that you too, the holy priesthood that offers the spiritual sacrifices which Jesus Christ has made acceptable to God, may be living stones making a spiritual house. But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a consecrated nation, a people set apart to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people at all and now you are the People of God; once you were outside the mercy and now you have been given mercy.
     I urge you, my dear people, while you are visitors and pilgrims to keep yourselves free from the selfish passions that attack the soul. Always behave honourably among pagans so that they can see your good works for themselves and, when the day of reckoning comes, give thanks to God for the things which now make them denounce you as criminals.

Upon further reflection on the first reading, I found three ways that can help me grow in my Faith. As St Peter says, we need to enter into:

1. Recollection
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a consecrated nation, a people set apart to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people at all and now you are the People of God; once you were outside the mercy and now you have been given mercy."

In the midst of my pain and suffering, I often forget how God has been revealing His love and power to me through many other occasions in the past. All these beautiful memories of His blessings and gifts in my life, of His miracles and deliverance from past difficulties often get clouded amidst by negative emotions of anger and resentment. Only when I start to recall these memories do I start to realise how faithful and loving God has been to me all these years, and how He truly CHOSE me to His beloved child, how He called me out of darkness countless times and into his wonderful light, how he showed me mercy when I needed it the most. Until I start to recall and reclaim my identity as a beloved child of God can I then start to regain my trust and faith in Him, to trust in God as a child trusts his father, to trust that God knows best how to take care of me, to deliver me from my situations in His own way, time and purpose, and continue singing praises of God even amidst my adversities, with full faith that He will show me mercy at the appropriate time.

2. Relationship
"He is the living stone, rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him; set yourselves close to him so that you too, the holy priesthood that offers the spiritual sacrifices which Jesus Christ has made acceptable to God, may be living stones making a spiritual house."

Setting myself close to Jesus isn't something natural nor instinctive. Which is why I often find myself having to make that extra effort to take small steps towards growing in my relationship with Jesus. It could be through achiveable prayer routines such as setting aside a certain time each day for prayer before the Lord or even saying grace before meals to remind myself of His presence at different times of the day, or making time to encounter the Lord through the Word of God, daily Eucharistic celebration, Eucharistic adoration, Sacrament of Reconciliation etc. Only when I start being aware of this beautiful relationship that I have with Jesus will I stop treating Him with mistrust as I would with any 'stranger' and begin to better understand His ways of loving me which may be different from my expectations. Until I claim my relationship with Jesus can I then become a rock of faith and form a spiritual house with Jesus as my living corner-stone that is able to withstand all rain, lightning and hurricanes.

3. Repentance
"I urge you, my dear people, while you are visitors and pilgrims to keep yourselves free from the selfish passions that attack the soul."

My moments of mistrust, unbelief and lack of faith often seem to originate from my self-centeredness and selfish passions. Once I get too high and mighty and expect things to be done MY way, I allow MYSELF to stand in the way of God's way. Only when I start to be aware of these sins of self-love and repent from my all-knowing ways can I then begin to allow God to take over my life, to acknowledge Him as the centre of my life, the sun that the earth revolves around and not the other way round, and trust that He has a better way. Until I can free myself from my selfish passions can I then patiently wait in hope and faith for the Sun/Son to eventually shed Light into my darkness.

As I come to the end of this post, I too come to the end of my very first semester in my priestly formation. Looking back over the last 5 months in the seminary, as I recall the faithfulness and love God has shown me as His beloved child, as I see how I have grown in my relationship with God as my heavenly Father, and as I witness the strength and grace God has given me to keep myself free from my selfish passions in order to stay focused on God as the centre of my life, I am ever so humbled, grateful and in awe of God's faithfulness towards me. And I believe it is His faith and faithfulness towards me that has helped me grow in my faith and trust towards Him. And it is this Faith that continues to grow in me, that has given me sight to follow in the footsteps of Bartimaeus...

...to depart from the road side that he couldn't see and follow Jesus along the road that he could see...

...because of Faith.

Finding gold that cannot be seen

2010-05-24T18:13:00.002+08:00

Seeing is believing.

All of us live in a world that believes in that. And so for the most part of our lives, we find ourselves believing in happiness found in things that we can see and put a finger to (or make that a hand to grab hold of). It may not be gold that we're digging for in life (except the ones some of us leave our last extended fingernail to do the apparently joy-inducing job), but we most certainly would have spent a good part of our lives chasing for happiness found in earthly things - the top schools, the leadership positions, the recognition and achievements, the dream job / car / house, and top on my list once upon a time, the potential lifetime partner I had hoped to happily grow old together with.

But it has been in my recent years, especially in my recent months following God's call in the seminary, that I dare say I have never found anything in this world that has given me greater happiness than what I have found in the things that cannot be seen. And I as read the following words of St Peter found in today's first reading, I truly feel like he was speaking directly to me...

"Blessed be God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who in his great mercy has given us a new birth as his sons, by raising Jesus Christ from the dead, so that we have a sure hope and the promise of an inheritance that can never be spoilt or soiled and never fade away, because it is being kept for you in the heavens. Through your faith, God’s power will guard you until the salvation which has been prepared is revealed at the end of time. This is a cause of great joy for you, even though you may for a short time have to bear being plagued by all sorts of trials; so that, when Jesus Christ is revealed, your faith will have been tested and proved like gold – only it is more precious than gold, which is corruptible even though it bears testing by fire – and then you will have praise and glory and honour. You did not see him, yet you love him; and still without seeing him, you are already filled with a joy so glorious that it cannot be described, because you believe; and you are sure of the end to which your faith looks forward, that is, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:3-9)

Through my ongoing formation in the seminary and personal experiences of God in my life, Jesus has slowly revealed Himself more and more to me in my life, such that I am beginning more and more to "walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7), to the point that indeed, my faith in the unseen has been a "cause of great joy...a joy so glorious that it cannot be described". But I have also come to realise that receiving such joy comes with a price. Even though Jesus already paid THE price for us by dying on the cross so that we may be "given...new birth as his sons...a sure hope and the promise of an inheritance that can never be spoilt or soiled and never fade away...kept for you in the heavens", today's Gospel reading reminds me of the price we must still pay in order to accept the joy found in the unseen, and eventually the joy found in eternal life...

"Jesus was setting out on a journey when a man ran up, knelt before him and put this question to him, ‘Good master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: You must not kill; You must not commit adultery; You must not steal; You must not bring false witness; You must not defraud; Honour your father and mother.’ And he said to him, ‘Master, I have kept all these from my earliest days.’ Jesus looked steadily at him and loved him, and he said, ‘There is one thing you lack. Go and sell everything you own and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.’ But his face fell at these words and he went away sad, for he was a man of great wealth..." (Mark 10:17-27)

It seems that the only way to obtain or make space for what we cannot see, is to sell everything that we can see in our life. Until we can start to let go of the certainties of our lives, the material wants that we desire and cling on to, the earthly dreams that we spend our whole lives chasing, we will never be able to make time or space, nor be in the right frame of mind and disposition that is free from earthly distractions, to be even aware of this great gift and joy that Christ has been placing before our very eyes the whole time - yet we cannot seem to 'see'.

And for most of us including myself, we had to learn the above truth the hard way, where we "for a short time (which always seems like eternal hell at that time) have to bear being plagued by all sorts of trials". One of my biggest trial, was when God first took away what I thought at that time to be whom I found the greatest happiness from. When this source of my earthly joy decided to break up with me after an almost 3-year long relationship, my world came crashing down on me and I thought I had lost everything. Little did I know that 'short' episode of my life didn't really leave me with nothing, but in actual fact allowed me (or rather forced me after 6 long months of tears, anguish and sorrow) to finally realise and accept the gift of Faith that God had been wanting to give me all my life. Until I started running to the adoration room to drown my sorrows and heart-wrenching pain did I begin to slowly loosen my attachments to earthly happiness that was taken away from me, and start to slowly discover the comfort, peace and immense joy through my time dwelling in the Lord's presence before me. With time and with the gift of faith, I was then able to start standing on my own two feet, still without the happiness I found in what I could see, but now with renewed happiness and joy in what I couldn't see - a loving, unfailing and faithful God that has been there for me all this while, only I was too distracted by the things of the world to be able to 'see' His beloved face. (In fact, the beginnings of this blog will attest to the ups and downs during that period, and reveal the fruits of that 'trial' which I received over time.)

And so I've learnt that these are what those "plagues of trials" do to us each time they come into our lives, unwelcomed yet necessary. It is when we are too stubborn or oblivious or even afraid to "sell everything that we can see in our lives" that our faith "will have (to be) tested and proved like gold...and then you will have praise and glory and honour."

But the truth is this: you don't have to wait for the next big trial in your life before you can enjoy the gift of faith. In our own small efforts and in our own time, it is in learning how to slowly let go of the attachments to the earthly treasures of our life that we can slowly grow in our unseen faith, and reap the unseen rewards and joy. And the more we grow in faith, not only are we more prepared for future trials that are to come (for we are still far from the perfection of faith in our life), I have also learnt that we begin to better appreciate and find greater joy in the earthly things that God has blessed us with. For in "selling everything", along with the gift of faith comes the earthly perks in the form of God's blessings and providence that He never fails to give, since "if you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:11)

Having heeded Jesus' call to "sell everything" to buy the field where the possible gift of the priestly vocation lays hidden, I may not have met with any major trials thus far, but as I now begin digging into the field, I have now found myself having to slowly unearth the earthly attachments of my life, to learn to dig out and de-tach myself from the joy I used to find in creature comforts and luxuries when I had greater spending power, in frequent gatherings with friends and family, in my active involvement in various ministries in church, and most definitely in my past hopes of having the love of my life physically by my side to hold and to love. Instead, I now have to enter deeper into the unseen and the unknown, away from my comfort zones, in order to uncover more and more the gold that cannot be seen - heavenly gold that "is more precious than (earthly) gold, which is corruptible even though it bears testing by fire", so that with this gold of faith, I may be more aware and allow the Unseen God to be the One by my side instead, for me to embrace and hold deep in my heart, for me to fix my gaze on His Unseen face, and for me to love for the rest of my life, so that everyday of my life, St Peter may continue to proclaim to me:

"You did not see him, yet you love him; and still without seeing him, you are already filled with a joy so glorious that it cannot be described, because you believe; and you are sure of the end to which your faith looks forward, that is, the salvation of your souls."

Chains of Freedom

2010-05-22T10:30:00.002+08:00

Being called by God to be a follower of Christ can sometimes seem very daunting. It seems to entail being chained to the commandments of Christ 'to love one another as I have loved you' (John 13:34), chained to the demands expected of a follower 'to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me' (Mark 8:34), even chained to the will of God that seems to go against how we want or desire to live our precious lives.

Gospel reading: John 21:20-25
    Peter turned and saw the disciple Jesus loved following them – the one who had leaned on his breast at the supper and had said to him, ‘Lord, who is it that will betray you?’ Seeing him, Peter said to Jesus, ‘What about him, Lord?’ Jesus answered, ‘If I want him to stay behind till I come, what does it matter to you? You are to follow me.’ The rumour then went out among the brothers that this disciple would not die. Yet Jesus had not said to Peter, ‘He will not die’, but, ‘If I want him to stay behind till I come.’
    This disciple is the one who vouches for these things and has written them down, and we know that his testimony is true.
    There were many other things that Jesus did; if all were written down, the world itself, I suppose, would not hold all the books that would have to be written.

Each time I am called by God either towards a particular vocation, a particular ministry, a particular person, or even just a small particular task, initially it almost seems as if I am being picked out by God from among so many around me, to be clamped with chains round my wrist, so that I may be pulled out and tasked to do God's bidding like a victimising master picking on his slave for fun and pleasure. It is during these moments that I seem to exclaim in Peter's words 'what about him, Lord?' pointing to so many people out there who seem more worthy and capable to be 'picked on'.

First reading: Acts 28:16-20, 30-31
    On our arrival in Rome Paul was allowed to stay in lodgings of his own with the soldier who guarded him.
    After three days he called together the leading Jews. When they had assembled, he said to them, ‘Brothers, although I have done nothing against our people or the customs of our ancestors, I was arrested in Jerusalem and handed over to the Romans. They examined me and would have set me free, since they found me guilty of nothing involving the death penalty; but the Jews lodged an objection, and I was forced to appeal to Caesar, not that I had any accusation to make against my own nation. That is why I have asked to see you and talk to you, for it is on account of the hope of Israel that I wear this chain.’
    Paul spent the whole of the two years in his own rented lodging. He welcomed all who came to visit him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone.

Yet we see how even though St Paul was imprisoned and chained in Rome through no fault or choice of his, it was 'on account of the hope of Israel that' he chose to 'wear this chain’. Not only that, throughout the time that he was chained, 'he welcomed all who came to visit him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone.'

Upon further reflection, I realise that whenever God calls me to follow His will, I am not really being chained to His whims and fancies. In fact, God is really coming to me to set me free from the worldly chains that bind me to earthly pleasures, bind me to my own desires, dreams, plans and will that spring from my own limited and misguided perception of what is really good for me. Only when I freely and willingly accept His calling do I allow God to set me free so that I may truly live out His perfect will for me 'with complete freedom and without hindrance from anyone' and especially without hindrance from my own self.

As I now slowly learn to accept His will and plan for me, I also slowly experience the freedom of being led by God to the fullness of His love and peace, through my deep and personal encounters of Christ, and through the way God uses me in 'proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching the truth about the Lord Jesus Christ' in my everyday life.

It is in this light that I slowly stop looking around me and asking 'what about him, Lord?', for I have realised that it no longer matters to me why I seem to be the only one called, or why someone else isn't called, for God calls each one of us differently and for different paths, but ultimately God personally comes to each one of us to set us free from our earthly chains. And because of this, all that really matters to me is that I be 'chained' to His perfect love and will, to be bound by His mercy and greatness, and to live the life God wills for me with complete freedom.

Not Scared to Lose

2010-05-13T16:32:00.006+08:00

I was having mixed feelings the night before this year's Annual Diocesan Vocation "Not Scared to Lose" Retreat held from 7-9 May. It may have been the fact that it was my first time participating in the retreat no longer as an aspirant but this time 'on the other side of the fence' as a seminarian / faciliator. But deep down I knew it was more so because exactly 3 years ago, I attended this same retreat for the very first time, and was one of the minority who sheepishly raised up my hand on the first night of the retreat when we were asked who in the room had a girlfriend. I could almost recall the gaping mouths and the looks of "are you out of your mind?!" horror on the faces of the other single men in the room.

(If you didn't already know from an earlier post 'Sell Everything', I went for the retreat with the intention of confirming that it was God's plan for me to marry my girlfriend then by confirming through the retreat that priesthood was not for me. Yes, I've been asked 'what was I thinking?' many times already so don't you start.)

In all honesty, it's not that I'm having any regrets or remorse at this point in time. I've been very much at peace and have been experiencing moments of deep joy and intimate encounters with the Lord over the last 4 months in the seminary. But I suppose these mixed feelings come about whenever I start to reminisce about the past, recall what I used to have and now what I had to LOSE in order to answer the call of my vocation. It didn't help much either when I recently got to know that not 1, not 2, but THREE fellow aspirants who shared similar experiences of being prompted by God to leave their girlfriends to discern the priestly calling, eventually concluded after a period of discernment that their vocation was for the married life, and so have already gotten married or are about to tie the knot within the next few months. (So it's not true that all who come for a vocation retreat become priests, so what are you afraid of? In fact, with statistics like the above, what are you waiting for? Heh. =P ) While part of me is happy for them that they have finally found their true calling in life that will eventually lead them to the fullest of life and joy, I can't deny that a tiny part of me wonders why couldn't I have shared with them 'God's final answer' for them too.

"For whoever will save his life will lose it. But whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." (Mark 8:35)

Yet it was Mgsr Eugene Vaz's homily on the last day of the retreat that truly shed much light on my little predicament. He mentioned that in seeking one's vocation in life, it wasn't so much as to consider what one had to LOSE or what one could GAIN from following God's call, but rather HOW we could use our God-given gifts, talents, strengths, positive qualities for the building of God's kingdom for the glory of God!

Losing

When I first felt called to the priesthood, I started out measuring my vocation based on what I had to LOSE in order to answer my call - my career, my girlfriend, my hopes of marriage and raising a family. This can make many fear taking the next step, especially when we are overwhelmed by how much we have to sacrifice. Sometimes we may even start to compare ourselves with others and begin to think how we will LOSE out to our peers when we take the road less travelled. During the early stages of my discernment period, I remember feeling jealous of dating couples and even hated attending weddings at one point in time when I saw my friends - what with their wedding gowns, smart suits and photoshoots - as having what I couldn't have.

Once after a good friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy, I got the chance to visit her. And when I saw how cute the baby was, I told her how jealous I was of her, to have such a nice happy family. But you know what she told me? She told me, “Are you crazy? I’m the one jealous of you, to be able to experience God in such a deep, personal way that you could just give up everything to answer His call. And that made me see things differently.

Gaining

Later I began to also see answering one's vocation as being able to achieve the greatest possible self-fulfilment in life, being able to experience the fullness of His love and joy that He meant for us to have by living out our vocation. While I believed God would still bless my marriage had I chosen to ignore His call, I concluded that not only will I be short-changing myself with a life of second-best (only in my case if I was called to the priesthood), I would also be shortchanging my partner from a better plan that God might have for her.

And so it surprised me when Msgr Eugene Vaz mentioned that the above should not be the primary reason why one answers a vocation call. While it is true that God wants the best for us, and will never disappoint or be outdone in generosity when we surrender our lives to Him, the above 'GAINS' are only to be considered the fruits and rewards of answering one's vocation call, the pleasant outcome of our obedience to His call.

Being

And so I've come to realise that measuring our vocation call based on what we have to LOSE and/or what we stand to GAIN from it, not only makes our response very much self-serving, it also would not sustain us in our vocation call. As Msgr Eugene Vaz points out, it is necessary that we stop asking 'what will I LOSE?' or 'what will I GAIN?', and start asking 'in which vocation can I best make use of my gifts and talents for His Church, for His glory?' When we can find the vocation - be it singlehood, marriage, or the religious life - where we can best serve God and His church using the gifts given to us, we not only give glory to God and benefit the entire church, we also get to fully live out the life God planned for us, to BE the person He created us to be - in His image and likeness, and THEN only will the things we have to LOSE pale in comparison to the awesomeness and perfection of His ultimate plan for us, and THEN only will we consequently GAIN the greatest possible life we can have through experiencing the fullness of His love and joy.

Indeed this was what I eventually experienced during the 3 days of the Diocesan Vocation Retreat. The minute I focused on giving my very best to God and to the retreatants, I found myself so taken up by the power of God working through the speakers, the sharings of the retreatants, the prayer sessions, the entire atmosphere of the retreat, and also through my very self, my very BEING. As I began welcoming the retreatants and making them feel as at home and as loved as I myself experienced 3 years ago, as I began sharing with the retreatants about my own experiences, struggles, joys, insights, as I even got to have some heart-to-heart chats with a few retreatants who were facing personal struggles or concerns, I found myself in great joy, fulfillment and awe at how powerfully God was using me as His instrument to journey with the retreatants and bring about His love and truth. And so not only was I there to provide faciliatation and support to the retreatants, the retreatants in turn have also provided me with the much needed affirmation that I am right where He wants me to BE, and have no regrets LOSING everything just so I can better serve God and His people. And the joy and peace I GAIN from it can never be replaced by anything else in the world.

"Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

But then the question is, how do I continue refraining from looking into the past and dwelling on what I have to LOSE, or stop looking into the future at what I stand to GAIN?

St Therese of Liseux says, "It's only love that makes us what God wants us to be, and for that reason it's the only possessions I covet. But how to come by it? Our Lord has seen fit to show me the only way which leads to it, and that is the unconcern with which a child goes to sleep in its father's arms."

As I begin to grow in my intimacy with God through my time in the seminary, I better understand how true the above is. The more we grow in our relationship and intimacy with God as a child grows in relationship and intimacy with its father, the more we can trust in His ways and simply lie still in the Father's arms without a care in the world what we lost from the past or what we may gain in the future. When we can give that complete trust to the Father, all that matters is dwelling every minute of everyday in the Lord's presence, allowing Him to Lord over my life, to lead me to His perfect plan for me, and to totally submit and surrender to His time and purpose.

It's just as how I imagine myself to be caught in the middle of the ocean, still unaware of which island God wants me to end up on. Yet, if I try to take matters into my own hands and swim towards the island I think I want to go (which may not necessarily be His plan for me), I might be swimming against the current and tire myself out along the process. Instead, I realise all God wants of me is to BE STILL and know that HE IS GOD who knows best and will use the waves and the currents to gently and slowly lead me towards the island I am meant to end up on, the vocation I am meant to live out.

And so while I am still in my first year of formation, still unaware of what is to come in the subsequent years of my journey, I choose to continue lying in the middle of God's gigantic ocean of love, lying still in the midst of His gentle ways that will carry me day by day towards His perfect plan for me.

And my prayer is for all of us who may still be in search for our vocation, or may be struggling along the path towards responding to that vocation, that we may continue to faithfully build that intimate relationship with the Father through small faithful acts of prayer and time set aside for the Lord, such that once we can experience the 'unconcern with which a child goes to sleep in its father's arms'

no matter where God is leading us towards our true vocation in life

we will not have to consider what we stand to GAIN

and we will most definitely

NOT be Scared to Lose!

In His footsteps

2010-04-16T12:27:00.004+08:00

3 hours Jesus spent hanging on the cross before His death

3 hours I spent kneeling in church before the Good Friday service

This year, us Initiation Year seminarians were allowed to participate in the Easter Triduum at any church of our choice, as part of our pastoral exposure programme. My seminarian classmate and I chose to attend the Good Friday service at St Joseph's church as we had heard much about their annual Good Friday procession, where this devotional practice handed down by the Fathers of the Portuguese Mission included the statue of Jesus being taken down from the cross before being carried around the church in solemn procession amidst a sea of lighted candles held up by Catholics and even non-Catholics, some of whom have been a part of this devotion every year without fail since their childhood days.

But this isn't the main point of my post. While the re-enactment of Jesus being taken down from the cross did invoke a deeper experience of witnessing the love and sacrifice of our Lord before me, what I wish to focus on was the 3 hours spent kneeling on the pews (thank goodness for cushion) prior to the service.

The reason why me and my classmate were at St Joseph's church 3 hours before the start of the service was because we heard that the church would be very crowded, and that if we wanted a seat as close to the 'action' as possible, we should be there early. Short of sounding like kiasu 'aunties' desperate to 'chop' seats, it was because we had the luxury of time in our initiation year (that's why some call it the 'honeymoon' year) that we decided to make those 3 hours a meaningful way of accompanying and sharing in Jesus' suffering while He hung on the cross for 3 hours before His death.

Armed with a bible, some reflection material, and my journal, I entered the church with my classmate and we planted ourselves as close to the front as possible (I don't suppose this makes us sound any less of kiasu aunties huh). I then knelt down and began to pray for the grace and strength to last those 3 hours. What I was caught unaware and unprepared for was the sudden prompting to remain in that kneeling position...for half an hour...then an hour more...then subsequently to challenge myself to remain in solidarity with the Lord by remaining in that position for the entire 3 hours just as He remained up on the cross for the same duration.

Although kneeling was nothing compared to being nailed to a cross, but within the first hour, the initial strength of the knee slowly gave way to discomfort (even with the cushion) and a slight pressure resulting from the weight of my body (thank goodness the Lenten practice of fasting relieved my knee of some grams). In time, even with the occassional shifting of the knee, pain started to build up in the knee caps, sometimes to the point of numbness before I relieve it with a temporary lift until I place it down again on another spot. But as the pain and discomfort of the adopted position grew, so did the experience draw me deeper into the whole experience of sharing in the pain and suffering of our Lord.

"If I am merely kneeling on cushioned pews, imagine the exponential amount of pain and suffering Jesus went through from hanging on the cross by mere nails pierced through his flesh, already discounting the scourging and torture He went through prior to His crucifixion." I thought to myself.

As I began to share a mere fraction of the suffering Jesus went through, I began to reflect on the image of Jesus being hung on the cross - bloody, scarred, wounded, vulnerable, weak, humiliated - the very image that was to win over the powers and the ways of the world, the very image that was to bring about the defeat of sin and death, the very image that was to bring about our very salvation. And this was the very image Christ seemed to be calling me to adopt in order to defeat the powers of the world, of evil, and to carry on His redemptive work for His church through my vocation.

Walking in His Footsteps

I began to realise that only when I follow in the footsteps of Jesus - to freely and willingly take on suffering in obedience to the will of God, to gladly accept the blood, scars, wounds that will come my way, to humbly allow myself to be vulnerable, weak and even humiliated, to experience the physical and emotional pain and suffering - can I then truly allow God to take over and work in me just as Jesus allowed the Father to work through Him. It is in my weakness, suffering, and vulnerability that I will begin to depend more on God, to trust in His protection and providence, to allow Him to give me strength I never knew I had, to rid myself from self-pride and personal desires and ideals, and truly be susceptible and open to the will of God that may reveal outcomes of "resurrections" I never thought possible, works of redemption I never thought myself capable of.

From the above experience and insight, I began to see my own experiences of suffering and pain as a way of walking in Jesus' footsteps, sharing in His suffering, pain and redemptive work.

Walking MY PATH in His Footsteps

However, just recently, I received another relevation related to the earlier insight during one morning's hour of adoration before the Lord. In the midst of my adoration, an image of Jesus' wounded feet descended before me and seemed to have stepped into MY footsteps. As I pondered further at that image, I began to realise that even before I found the strength, inspiration, and will to walk in Jesus' footsteps by sharing in His suffering, Jesus was the one who FIRST walked in my footsteps to share MY suffering during His passion, suffering and death! It was 2,000 years ago before I even started walking in my own footsteps did He already walked in them, shared in the suffering and pain that I am discovering and experiencing along my path, and already knew how I would be feeling and what I am going through right this moment as I continue to walk in my footsteps.

Jesus already knows what it feels like to have to part from a loved one, to have to break a relationship I cherished so much, to have to witness other happy couples getting married and starting families, to have to deal with sacrifices that come with this priestly vocation, to have to deal with my own weaknesses and sinfulness, to have to deal with conflicts and tension that exist in relationships with other people, to have to deal with outcomes that are not according to mywishes, to have to deal with sudden circumstances in my life that throw me into confusion and despair, and the list goes on.

All these Jesus had already walked in them, walking with His wounded, bloody feet with two permanent holes etched in them. And as I continue to walk in His footsteps that form my part of the journey, He is still there with me, walking with me, suffering with me. And because He has already walked in those footsteps of mine, He even knows which step I would trip so as to be prepared to catch me. He knows which step I would land on a stone so as to be prepared to hold me steady. He even knows which step I may miss, so that He takes it upon Himself to make up for it and take that step on my behalf. He also knows which steps are hardest and most tiring so as to be ready to carry me on His back and walk those familiar steps again for me.

With a God so loving as to send His only Son down to become one of us, and to pave the way for us by taking those footsteps first, why should I turn away from Him in the midst of my tiring, painful, heart-wrenching footsteps, when I can turn my face to Him instead, and allow Him to catch me, to hold me, to support me, and even to carry me.

Jesus never skips a step, even when we do.

So let us never feel afraid or alone whenever we take the steps that are laid before us, for Jesus has already walked in them, and we already know where these footsteps will eventually lead to, even if they have to pass through the dusty, bloody roads leading up to Calvary, for beyond those steps are footsteps towards redemption, resurrection, and Paradise.

And that's where I want my feet to end up eventually...even if my journey started with two knees on the ground (or cushioned pews for that matter).

Facing the parish war

2010-04-08T16:21:00.003+08:00

Red car, blue car, black car. As Sue walked along toward the meeting, she scanned the line of parked vehicles, looking for the old white Chevy the parish secretary drove. The new pastor had forbidden this meeting, even in a private home, and added that his secretary would be taking down names.

Sue didn't really think she would be there, but she put nothing past the pastor in this little civil war the parish had going on. Sue and her friends had thought the world of their former pastor and staff. But the new pastor had a very different style. He fired the staff. The parish council expressed concern. The pastor disbanded it. Surprised and angry, the former council members called this special meeting that had been so vehemently opposed by the pastor. The result: Parishioners took sides. Some went to see the bishop to criticise the pastor, others to defend him. Committees split into bitter factions.

There can be no winners in this kind of war. Realising this, Sue and some other women in the parish tried following Jesus' advice to pray for your enemies. They started meeting to pray for their pastor.

Over time some things did change - in themselves. Their prayerful discussions tempered their anger with compassion. It revealed that their own motives weren't always so pure, their own visions so wise. They slowly came to see that they and the pastor were each doing the best they could with what limited gifts they had.

Has it made a difference? It did one day, at least, when Sue met a neighbour at a store. "Hey, how are things at St. John's?" Karen asked. "I haven't been to Mass in a long time, and I'm thinking it might be nice..."

Not long before, Sue would have vented about the pastor and how horrible the parish was. "I would have scared Karen away forever," she told me recently. Instead she gently replied, "I go every week. It helps me. We're all sinners praising God together." Sue invited Karen to go to Mass with her, and Karen did.

Karen found a home at St John's and is there every week now. And Sue marvels about it all. "When I was still bitter and thinking about leaving the Church," she told me, "Karen was searching and thinking about coming back. Seeing her joy reminds me of why I love the Church, despite all our troubles."

(Taken from Editor's Notebook by Dan Connors, Catholic Digest April 2010 issue)

~~~~~

[This Editor's Note: As I began reading the above article line after line, detail after detail, I couldn't believe how much closer to home this incident really was, even if it happened all the way in America. And I dare say I'm not alone in being able to relate so closely to the above situation. I only hope that I won't be alone as well in saying how much hope this article has given me, reminding me never to give up even when things seem to go awfully wrong (esp according to my standards), but to hang in there with faith, trust and charity towards our brothers and sisters in Christ, knowing that everything happens for His goodness and purpose, and that in His time "all things work together for good to those who love Him, whom are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)]

The Betrayal

2010-04-01T09:06:00.001+08:00

Dear, dear Judas,

I miss you. I miss you very much. So many hopes, so many excitement, so many fears we shared, you and I. We all miss you.

When you left at the supper to betray him, I was relieved; I knew that I would not be the betrayer. But the relief and the smugness didn't last long, for just that night, only a few hours later, we couldn't even keep watch with him; we fell asleep, and later some of us were identified as his companions, and we denied ever knowing him. The next day, we let him die, and some of us didn't even dare to be present while he suffered; now we are all hiding in our holes in the ground like rabbits.

Judas, Judas, oh dear Judas, your suicide is so tragic. Don't you know we all betrayed him, all of us, every single one of us more than once, several times? I realize now that while he was alive before the end, we betrayed him all the time.

Judas, Judas, to be with him, to follow him, to love him, is also to betray him.

Your arrogance, Judas, your damn arrogance and pride, Who in God's name were you to think that you were more than us, or was it that you thought you were the first? You didn't have to die, Judas.

Each of us has had to live with the same self-knowledge that killed you. To betray him is humiliating and shameful, but we can bear it and so you could have, too.

And what's more, and more blessed, and also more humiliating - his love for us grows. He appears in our lives; in our shame, and utter unworthiness, he embraces us. There is no hiding from him, not even spitting in his teeth. Betray him, reject and hate yourself, wither in shame - there is no escape, no hiding. You cannot make him let go.

I suspect, Judas, even where you are now, that he won't let go. Judas, Judas, my brother Judas, do you hear me?

We all betrayed him and will betray him again. You didn't have to die. He won't let go.

Judas, I loved you, and I miss you.

-- One of the Twelve

(shared by Br Jovita, taken from 'Being Priest To One Another' by Michael Dwinell)

Naughty / Nice... or Wicked

2010-02-26T11:12:00.002+08:00

If I were Santa, I would make a third list for Christmas, categorised under 'Wicked'. Not many would get on that list, for not many are able to offend me to the point that apart from NOT giving them nice, beautifully wrapped presents for Christmas (this treatment will just be for people on the 'Naughty' list), I would go one step further to place poisonous snakes in their Christmas stockings and throw timebombs through their chimneys, provided I don't miss and leave a hole in their rooftop or walls instead.

I'm kidding. But not about the 'Wicked' list.

As someone who is usually more patient and forgiving towards others who may step on my frost-bitten toes, rarely do I hold grudges or keep my anger and frustration for a considerable amount of time (at least by the next Christmas, I start with a clean sheet). More rarely do I give the label 'Wicked' to anyone I know. (Murderers, terrorists, child abusers etc., while fitting the label, will not be considered on my list until I have personal encounters with them or am able to directly do something about it.)

Unfortunately, in the short span of last year, TWO have had the 'privilege' of creeping into my 'Wicked' list. Their mindset, attitude, approach to doing things, somehow seem to fall short of my desired expectations, and instead meet the 'criteria' to fall into my 'Wicked' list. It's more bearable if their actions affect me alone. But what tempts me to add a superlative (that will eventually be censored off if I do) before 'wicked' is the fact that their actions anger, hurt, frustrate, and negatively affect the people whom I care about and love. Seeing the victims suffer in the hands of these TWO not only make me feel sorry and helpless for the innocent victims, it also makes my blood boil to the point that it may be the only red the TWO see as their Christmas deco.

I'm kidding again. But not about my blood boiling.

First reading (Ezekiel 18:21-28)

Thus says the Lord:

‘If the wicked man renounces all the sins he has committed, respects my laws and is law-abiding and honest, he will certainly live; he will not die. All the sins he committed will be forgotten from then on; he shall live because of the integrity he has practised. What! Am I likely to take pleasure in the death of a wicked man – it is the Lord who speaks – and not prefer to see him renounce his wickedness and live?

The easiest way out in these situations would often be to hope that the TWO disappear from the face of this earth forever, or at least to send my reindeer SWAT team to kidnap, maybe torture (what 'reindeer games' do you think they play all along?), and banish the TWO into the deepest, darkest, coldest part of the North Pole. Unfortunately, that isn't always an option within our means (my reindeer SWAT team could be on summer vacation). More importantly, God spoke for Himself that He doesn't take pleasure in the death of the wicked, but prefers to see the wicked renounce his wickedness and live...

(Sigh)

And so maybe in the face of people who act contrary to our ideals, people who get on our nerves and cause so much frustration in our hearts, God is calling us to first be patient. Blacklisting / condemning / discriminating against them, and therefore finding all ways and means to kick them out (if that is an option) may be a quicker and easier way to resolve the issue (albeit temporarily), get what you want, and remove all inconveniences and frustration...but God doesn't seem quite in favour of this 'top-down', head-on, use-of-force approach. Instead, He seems to want to make use of this opportunity for us to learn to increase in our patience for others, to endure the effects of their actions with the hope and trust that at the same time, the Lord is working through them right this minute (maybe even through YOU - but more about that later), and that one day they may eventually realise their mistakes, change their 'wicked' ways and truly be transformed and converted from within their hearts and not by mere external pressure.

If we think about it, we may have been on God's 'Wicked' list so many times for acting against His will and His laws of Truth and Love that He could have just as easily striked us off from the face of the earth and banish us into the deepest, darkest, hottest parts of hell. But instead, just as many times does He strike us off the 'Wicked' list as soon as we repent, and gives us chance after chance after chance to realise our mistakes, take time to change our ways from within, renounce our wickedness, and eventually LIVE.

First reading (Ezekiel 18:21-28) - cont'

‘But if the upright man renounces his integrity, commits sin, copies the wicked man and practises every kind of filth, is he to live? All the integrity he has practised shall be forgotten from then on; but this is because he himself has broken faith and committed sin, and for this he shall die. But you object, “What the Lord does is unjust.” Listen, you House of Israel: is what I do unjust? Is it not what you do that is unjust? When the upright man renounces his integrity to commit sin and dies because of this, he dies because of the evil that he himself has committed. When the sinner renounces sin to become law-abiding and honest, he deserves to live. He has chosen to renounce all his previous sins; he shall certainly live; he shall not die.’

Yet God also reminds and warns us, or me - the one making the 'Wicked' list (oops) *hides in shame* - not to be so self-righteous to the point that I allow my self-pride and 'upright' thinking to cause me to fall into sin instead. So often, we may be caught in the trap (hidden in the fireplace) and fall into the sin of making judgement on others (for only God is the one who judges), speaking bad about the person behind their backs (breaking the 8th commandment - "Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbour"), and worse still, cause the downfall or 'death' of the person in the form of kicking him out of an organisation, giving him a bad name in public, or causing others to condemn the person as well (thereby causing others to sin).

How easy it is to justify ourselves in the name of God and in upholding justice and 'truth' by taking matters into our own hands instead of entrusting it in the loving, patient, all-powerful hands of God? Are we more powerful than God that we think it is up to us to change things or even people? Shouldn't we instead humbly submit ourselves to the will of God and cooperate with Him as His hands and feet to bring about true, effective, and internal conversion within the 'wicked' through acts of deep, genuine love, patience and understanding?

(at this point, I realise I may have to dissolve my reindeer SWAT team and get them to play monopoly instead)

Gospel Reading (Matthew 5:20-26)

Jesus said to his disciples, If your virtue goes no deeper than that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never get into the kingdom of heaven.

‘You have learnt how it was said to our ancestors: You must not kill; and if anyone does kill he must answer for it before the court. But I say this to you: anyone who is angry with his brother will answer for it before the court; if a man calls his brother “Fool” he will answer for it before the Sanhedrin; and if a man calls him “Renegade” he will answer for it in hell fire. So then, if you are bringing your offering to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, go and be reconciled with your brother first, and then come back and present your offering. Come to terms with your opponent in good time while you are still on the way to the court with him, or he may hand you over to the judge and the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison. I tell you solemnly, you will not get out till you have paid the last penny.’

But more than being on guard against falling into the sin of 'killing' the TWO or calling them names like 'Fool', 'Renegade' or worse, more than simply taking a step back and endure in silent hope of their eventual conversion, the greater challenge God seems to be asking of me is to seek reconciliation with the TWO. This means more than forgiving the 'opponent' in the silence of my heart (which I may have done to some extent), even more than just saying 'I forgive you' to them (already facing them without wanting to exert force on them is difficult enough). It means over a period of time, to come to terms and accept our differences (agree to disagree if necessary), to accept their mindet and way of doing things (not necessarily to agree), and to reconcile and rebuild our relationship with love and sincerity, acknowledging that they too are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and believing that it is through the ways of love and relationship that true conversion of hearts can take place from within.

A tall order? Indeed. Worse than trying to climb the roof that reaches to the skies - and I seem to have a long way to go. But Jesus tells us that the virtues (such as of love and forgiveness) have to grow deeper than those of the pharisees and scribes if we are to enter the kingdom of heaven. Yet Jesus also assures that not by our human strength alone can we do this, but by the grace of God if we turn to Him...

(...not to my disbanded SWAT team... and definitely not to my 'Wicked' list which I should throw into the fireplace...)

...daily, patiently, and progressively...until in good time when the TWO can sit with me on Santa's sleigh and be carried up to the kingdom of God by His heavenly angels.

Lord Jesus,

What you are asking of us is difficult. It demands great humilty, patience and endurance. It seeks a greater capacity within us to love and forgive. Yet, through our experiences of such frustration and anguish, we can now better understand what You went through during your Passion - when the pharisees and scribes labelled You as 'Wicked' and wanted to banish You and condemn You to death, when they inflicted all kinds of physical and emotional pain on You that You may have been tempted to call upon your army of angels to defeat them. Yet, instead, You submitted Your will to the will of the Father, and chose to love and forgive them, even on the cross, so that the hearts of the 'wicked' may be truly converted when they see Your love and willingness to be in a relationship with them.

Therefore, help us in our own weaknesses. Where we are the victims of these hurts, help us to endure with courage and faith in Your loving hands that will deliver us in Your time and place. Increase our love and desire to seek reconciliation and have the strength and perseverance to work towards it.

Where we are the 'wicked' ourselves, help us to be aware of our sinfulness and how our unloving actions may have hurt others, even if we may have the best of intentions for them. Increase our humility and desire to renounce our wicked ways and take steps to rebuild the relationships with people whom we have hurt or victimised.

Let this be our Lenten challenge as we increase our efforts to deepen our love for You, but also to deepen our love for our brothers and sisters in Christ, especially those whom have hurt us.

Amen.

Giving my two coins worth

2010-02-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

(During this season of Lent, Fr Ignatius Huan, my Initiation Year Director, has asked us to reflect on how to be a disciple of Jesus in the face of hardship and affliction, by meditating on the different characters in the Passion Accounts, who have accompanied Jesus in His time of trial and persecution. Below is my Lenten reflection on the first character in the Passion Account.)

The Poor Widow Gives Her All (Mark 12:38-44)

In the course of his teaching he said, "Beware of the scribes, who like to go around in long robes and accept greetings in the marketplaces, seats of honor in synagogues, and places of honor at banquets. They devour the houses of widows and, as a pretext, recite lengthy prayers. They will receive a very severe condemnation." He sat down opposite the treasury and observed how the crowd put money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow also came and put in two small coins worth a few cents. Calling his disciples to himself, he said to them, "Amen, I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the other contributors to the treasury. For they have all contributed from their surplus wealth, but she, from her poverty, has contributed all she had, her whole livelihood."

During my early days being in relationship, I used to focus much time and attention on my other half. We could be serving in the same church ministry, yet I would always be beside her during ministry sessions, sit beside her during ministry breakfast times, or hold hands all throughout our ministry outings. Like the rich men in the passage, I gave my time and attention to the other ministry members only from the surplus that I had left, which didn't amount to much.

It wasn't until my breakup, and after months of slow, painful recovery from it, did I find myself having more surplus of my time and attention, since there weren't any other halfs to share my life or time with anymore. And so with the additional spare time, I began to reach out to others in my ministries, and even journeyed with some of them, sharing my previous hurts and pains and how I got through them. It was then that I realised how I had neglected others in the ministry while I was in a relationship, and subsequently discovered the greater joy of sharing my life with others in the community, walking with them through their struggles, and being there for them as much as I was there for my ex-girlfriend in the past.

When God blessed me with another relationship, we made it a point to serve others as a couple. Once, we served in this 5-day overseas mission project. We gave of our time and attention to others so much so that nobody knew we were even a couple until the last day when we finally held hands. But it was a joy knowing how we were sharing the same love we had for each other with others around us who needed that love too.

Yet, I remember once, while I was out shopping with her, I started thinking to myself, spending all that time shopping with her, going out on movie dates etc, didn't seem all that fulfilling as much as when we were serving in ministries. In retrospect, I supposed I realised then that even while serving others as a couple, we were still serving out of the surplus time that we had outside of our dates and private time together. On hindsight, I have also realised that while we tried serving in the same ministry together, we had different gifts and interests that didn't quite compliment each other as much as I had wished.

The day came when I ended up at the Major Seminary for a Diocesan Vocation Retreat (read more in 'Sell Everything') where I realised that there was a lot more surplus within my heart that I wanted to give away not just in a relationship. In the following two years when I started getting involved in youth ministries for the first time, I found so much joy and love for them that it truly fulfilled me so much more, something I probably would not have discovered if I had not given up on my previous relationship as prompted by God.

And so now, like the poor widow, I find myself not just giving from the surplus that I have, but rather learning to give up my entire 'livelihood' - my lifetime dreams of spending the rest of my life with a special someone. Though I am also giving up the people in my past relationships whom I truly loved, I know that in return, I have been given something greater that no one can ever take away from me nor that poor widow - a TRUST in the Lord that He will provide. And not just provide "a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing" (Luke 6:38), but provide the very best that even the world cannot give, see, or understand.

(At this juncture, I wish to qualify that I don't mean for all of us to leave our relationships and join the religious. Rather, I believe God has different purposes for each of us. In marriage, by giving one's all to the spouse, one can also find fullness of joy and fulfilment through the way their lives compliment each other in service of God and His people. As a single, by giving one's all to God's plans and timing, one can also still find fullness of joy and fulfillment living life according to the plans of God for that point in time.)

While I admit from time to time, I still do crave for the warm fuzzy feelings I get in my past relationships, the sweet things we do for each other, the romantic surprises we throw for each other, I have to remind myself daily to stay true to myself, true to God's purpose for me, and cling on to that TRUST that comes with giving up my two coins worth to Him.

Lord,

As we now enter into the season of Lent, we relive the time when you loved us not merely out of the surplus wealth that you had, but rather through giving up your entire Divinity along with the splendour and glory of your Kingship in Heaven, only to share in our Humanity along with the suffering and afflictions that we go through, so as to eventually grant us the gift of salvation. In learning to give up little things through our fasting and other Lenten practices, help us discover the beauty of giving up more and more of our lives to you, even in the midst of our own poverty and suffering, so that we may open ourselves to receiving greater TRUST in you, and enjoy your Holy Providence which no one can take away from us.

Amen.

Birthday in Bethlehem

2010-02-11T22:25:00.001+08:00

Usually people around my age, especially the women (heh), already start to dread celebrating birthdays as it makes them feel so old. But being the third youngest in the seminary community of 21 people, I guess it doesn't feel that bad after all. Hee. But this year, as I celebrate the last year in which I can still tell people I'm still in my 20s (it's true what!), I can't help but see my birthday being celebrated as how baby Jesus celebrated his in the little town of Bethlehem...

Just as how baby Jesus got to be surrounded by Mother Mary and Joseph on the day of His birth, it was nice to have celebrated my birthday over dinner last Sunday surrounded by my family members - something I now cherish much more whilst now living in the seminary. The sweet and meaningful gifts I received from some important people in my life meant a great deal to me too - just as how the gifts offered by the magi had great significance to it. And as the lovely and touching birthday greetings started pouring in since yesterday through facebook, SMSes, and even a sweet personal call from one of my best frens, I felt like baby Jesus receiving such royal tribute from the shepherds. The new addition to this year's birthday celebration, was the warm and heartfelt well-wishes, hugs, birthday-song singing, cake-cutting, and ice-cream-indulging moments given by my brother seminarians and formators in the seminary. I was truly touched by their actions, even if it seemed like a simple affair - for gone are the days where one needed huge birthday bashes with much glitter and glamour to feel important. I still felt as overwhelmingly loved as baby Jesus even if he was born in a humble stable with hay as the only decor.

But my unexpected 'birthday surprise' also came like the 'unexpected' (cos' God already knew in advance and planned to warn Joseph in a dream subsequently) threat Jesus faced when his 'Kingship' was rejected by King Herod who wanted to kill him. And this is where I too shared in the same rejection, pain and disappointment, even on my birthday.

One month into the seminary, just when everything seemed nice and beautiful, like butterflies fluttering against the rainbow-filled skies, the cross that I was expecting finally came, although I didn't expect it on my birthday. Today was the day I faced some harsh words from a person very dear to me, making me feel very misunderstood, hurt, and rejected. At the back of my mind, I didn't blame the person, for I suspect that there must have been a valid reason for all the hurtful words and sudden change in behaviour. But I'm only human, and it still appeared as a rejection to me, and it hurt my heart deeply, yet left me nowhere to cry save in my bathroom.

Gospel reading (Mark 7:24-30)

"Jesus left Gennesaret and set out for the territory of Tyre. There he went into a house and did not want anyone to know he was there, but he could not pass unrecognised. A woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit heard about him straightaway and came and fell at his feet. Now the woman was a pagan, by birth a Syrophoenician, and she begged him to cast the devil out of her daughter. And he said to her, ‘The children should be fed first, because it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the house-dogs.’ But she spoke up: ‘Ah yes, sir,’ she replied ‘but the house-dogs under the table can eat the children’s scraps.’ And he said to her, ‘For saying this, you may go home happy: the devil has gone out of your daughter.’ So she went off to her home and found the child lying on the bed and the devil gone."

Fr Ignatius Huan asked if we felt confused by the way Jesus responded to the woman's plea for help. Why did He seem to be insulting her instead of obliging her request as He would normally do? Fr Huan then suggested that Jesus probably already knew that the woman had a faith so strong that she would persist in her request, the same way God already knew that Abraham would obey His command for him to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Then why still 'test' their faith if He already knew they would obey and not lose faith? Why test my faith, when He should know that this unexpected treatment from my dear friend would not make me lose faith and leave the seminary. Why still make me suffer this trial when He already knows my deep faith and trust in Him???

To be a living example of faith for others to see and follow.

That's what Fr Huan shared. The act of faith seen in the pagan woman and in Abraham, is meant for us to regain hope and strength in our own times of despair and hopelessness, and witness how their faith led them to a happy ending. And that's how I am beginning to see the purpose in this 'threat' or 'cross' that I'm finally asked to carry. How I am being 'tested' to share in the rejections, hurts, disappointments of the world, and give testimony to how I try to surrender my hurt and pain to the Lord, to swallow my pride and try to respect my friend's present situation that may have led to the hurtful behaviour, to seek to understand more than to be understood, to accept how things have turned out, and still care and pray for the person even if from a distance, and trust that "all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Just today, Fr Huan was also going through the objective of our seminary formation: to be rooted in the experience of the Cross and be led to the totality of the Paschal Mystery. I am to accept and undergo and share in the suffering of Christ during His Passion, to die to myself, my feelings, my hurts and pains, before I am to also share in His Resurrection and glorification, and be a living testimony of this Truth.

Of cos, I am currently still at the stage of Crucifixion, the stage where baby Jesus is still 'rejected', and I am asked to hang in there in faith, or to even purify and grow further in my faith, and lean on Him for strength and guidance, so that He may eventually lead me to my 'resurrection' in time to come.

Meanwhile, I wish to share in the trials that any of you may be going through, and together ask that the Lord keeps us strong in faith, and sustains us in our belief of the following scripture passage that was timely read out during our Evening Vespers this evening...

"This is a cause of great joy for you, even though you may for a short time have to bear being plagued by all sorts of trials; so that, when Jesus Christ is revealed, your faith will have been tested and proved like gold – only it is more precious than gold, which is corruptible even though it bears testing by fire – and then you will have praise and glory and honour. You did not see him, yet you love him; and still without seeing him, you are already filled with a joy so glorious that it cannot be described, because you believe; and you are sure of the end to which your faith looks forward, that is, the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:6-9)

...and eventually lead us to share in the words of the Psalmist for one of today's psalms for Evening Vespers:

"You have turned my weeping into dancing,
torn off my sackcloth and clothed me in joy,
It is my glory to sing to you and never cease:
Lord, my God, I will proclaim your goodness for ever." (Psalm 29)

Taking the Cup

2010-02-10T16:54:00.000+08:00

If you remember 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' (it tells me how old you are), one of Indiana's challenges was to identify the Chalice which Jesus drank out of during the Last Supper, from among the many other chalices that were being guarded. A rival chose a chalice that was covered in gold and adorned with large crystals. But that only brought about his death as it was the wrong chalice. Indiana, on the other hand, chose the one that was most modest looking, which proved to be the correct one, alluding to the fact that only a person with humilty would recognise it.

This morning, one of the seminarian brothers gave a short reflection, using the Chalice to exemplify the 3 vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience made by the religious, particularly Saint Scholastica, whose memorial we celebrate today. In the following reflection, I have incorporated the brother's reflection as well as insghts from my personal meditation on today's First reading (1 Kings 10:1-10).

Poverty

For any chalice to be used at the Eucharistic Celebration, one of the conditions is that it has to be empty - before it may be filled with the Blood of Christ. In the same way, in order for us to receive the fullness of God's love, we too need to empty ourselves, our minds and our hearts, from things of the world, before we can fully receive the gifts of God. Apart from material poverty (which is also important), spiritual poverty - where one is open to the will of God - is even more important, for "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God" (Matthew 5:3).

"The fame of Solomon having reached the queen of Sheba... she came to test him with difficult questions. She brought immense riches to Jerusalem with her, camels laden with spices, great quantities of gold, and precious stones. On coming to Solomon, she opened her mind freely to him; and Solomon had an answer for all her questions, not one of them was too obscure for the king to expound."

I often find myself filling my mind with too many doubts, questions, worries, or memories of the past that seem to cloud it to the point of breathlessness, frustration or despair. It is when I can finally stop struggling, brooding, dwelling, or analysing on my own, and can bring myself before the Lord to open my mind freely to Him, sometimes by pouring out my doubts, questions, frustrations etc to Him instead, can I then begin to be filled with His comfort, assurance, peace and love. As for the questions or doubts, this may take time, but with patience and an attitude of spiritual poverty - where I am able to be open and surrender to the will of God and not my own wants, He will eventually have an answer for all my questions, doubts or present emotions or situations.

Chastity

The other condition for the Chalice is that it has to be consecrated - an act by which a thing is separated from common and profane use to one of sacred use, dedicating its use solely to the service and worship of God - in this case, to contain the Blood of Christ, and nothing else. The beauty of chastity, as practiced by Saint Scholastica who remained a virgin upon her death, is the total consecration and dedication of one's life to the service and worship of God. It also gives testimony to the fact that God alone can truly satisfy man's deep longing more than sex can, through a life dedicated to loving and serving Him, that brings about true joy and peace deep within.

"When the queen of Sheba saw all the wisdom of Solomon, the palace he had built, the food at his table, the accommodation for his officials, the organisation of his staff and the way they were dressed, his cup-bearers, and the holocausts he offered in the Temple of the Lord, it left her breathless, and she said to the king, ‘What I heard in my own country about you and your wisdom was true, then! Until I came and saw it with my own eyes I could not believe what they told me, but clearly they told me less than half: for wisdom and prosperity you surpass the report I heard. How happy your wives are! How happy are these servants of yours who wait on you always and hear your wisdom! Blessed be the Lord your God who has granted you his favour, setting you on the throne of Israel! Because of the Lord’s everlasting love for Israel, he has made you king to deal out law and justice.’"

I used to struggle with the thought of giving up my plans and desires for marriage, giving up dedicating my whole life to a soulmate, spending my lifetime giving all the love I have for her, and also for the family I dream to build with her. I once even bargained with God that if He let me get married, I'd raise a brood of children and nurture them in the ways of God so that He may have many more priests and religious instead of just me alone. God of cos' (with a grin at my sillyness as I can imagine) gently hinted to me that He has the power to call priests and religious from any family in the world, even those that are broken, and not necessarily from my family. I didn't have anything to say to that, and had to humbly and eventually accept His will for me, and submit myself to a possible celibate life. But as I began to be drawn towards dedicating my life to God as His priest, acting in Persona Christi - in the person of Christ - which makes the Church my 'Spouse' for me to serve for the rest of my life, my desires for marriage have faded over time, and I am inspired to be a living testimony to anyone deprived of a married life (and deprived from sex if you want to put it that way), either because of their state of singlehood, divorced, widowed or sexual inclinations, or a medical condition, that God alone can totally fulfill my desires as well as theirs so long as we lift up our lives to the Lord. And as exclaimed by the queen of Sheba, should I continue to submit my will to the will of God, how happy will my 'wives' (Church) be, and how happy will I (His humble servant that has chosen to wait on Him always and hear His wisdom) be as well.

Obedience

The way the rim of the Chalice is always curved inwards, also symbolises the need to curve away from the outside world, in order to fully contain the Blood of Salvation, and to curve or bow inwards towards Christ. Just as Jesus and Mary bowed towards the will of God the Father in obedience despite fears and doubts, so too are we called to bend towards the will of God in obedience and in faith, before we can contain the joy of the fruits of obedience, just as we can enjoy the fruit of the vine.

"And she presented the king with a hundred and twenty talents of gold and great quantities of spices and precious stones; no such wealth of spices ever came again as those given to King Solomon by the queen of Sheba."

Through the faithfulness and grace of God, despite my fears, doubts, pains of letting go, I have learnt to obey and trust in the will of God, and to give to Him something I have never given to anyone else before in my entire life, to give of my whole self, my whole life, my whole will, that becomes more precious than gold, spice or precious stones, more precious than my good intentions for marriage, more precious than any dream or plan I may have even if for the glory of God. For only when I can totally obey the perfect and infinite will of God who knows best, no such wealth in the world will ever be given to me, except the wealth from the Kingdom God.

Lord Jesus,

whether priest or religious, married or single, may we still learn to practice the virtues of spiritual Poverty, Chastity (which also comes in the form of chastity as a single, fidelity towards spouse, or fidelity towards our call to holiness), and Obedience to the will of God. And through that, discover the deep and lasting joy and gifts of these virtues, and be reminded of these whenever You raise Your Saving Cup, and offer to us the Blood of our Salvation.

Amen.

Of Clouds and Cloaks

2010-02-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

Reflection on today's readings (5th Monday of the year)

First reading (1 Kings 8:1-7, 9-13)
"...Then Solomon said: ‘The Lord has chosen to dwell in the thick cloud. Yes, I have built you a dwelling, a place for you to live in for ever.’"

Gospel reading (Mark 6:53-56)
"Having made the crossing, Jesus and his disciples came to land at Gennesaret and tied up. No sooner had they stepped out of the boat than people recognised him, and started hurrying all through the countryside and brought the sick on stretchers to wherever they heard he was. And wherever he went, to village, or town, or farm, they laid down the sick in the open spaces, begging him to let them touch even the fringe of his cloak. And all those who touched him were cured."

Clouds amaze me. Big, white, fluffy ones are best for plucking images of animals, people, or objects out of the sky - depending how far your imagination can go. Wispy, silk-like ones keep me in awe of the intricacies of God's creation. Light, low-lying ones that glide gracefully with the breeze gives a calming, peaceful effect. Thick, well-positioned ones provide much relief and protection from the glaring heat rays of the sun. And of cos' there'll also be the dark, looming ones that warn of impending storms (for that I have another annoying tale to tell under 'Rain or Shine').

As I pondered over today's readings, I couldn't help but picture myself as two things - a cloud and a cloak.

(No, I was not having an identity crisis, nor was I trying to role-play objects)

In the First Reading, God chose to dwell in a cloud as much as He chose to dwell in us. "Remain in me, as I remain in you" (John 15:4). And hypothetically, if we were clouds, it doesn't matter to God whether we are fluffy or wispy, light or heavy (I'm not saying you're fat - don't be so sensitive), linen white or gloomy dark (nor am I being racist!), He chooses to dwell in each and every cloud He has created, regardless of shape, size, colour and density (I'm not calling you stupid either, don't be so dense!). So if you ever thought yourself too sinful, too hopeless, too lazy, too logical, too loser, too proud, too greedy, too unworthy, He chooses to dwell in you too. What's more, He doesn't just want to dwell in us for the night, or till some 99-day lease is up (not that there is any - we're considered freehold in fact). He wants to dwell and live in us FOREVER!

Trouble is, have we made room for Him, or even allowed Him to enter into our dwelling? Even if we did initially let Him in, often we seem to have kindly left Him in the spareroom (that we open and tend to Him when we have spare time or need Him to spare us from our dark, gloomy days). Sometimes we even invite 'guests' and have a party filled with loud music and booze that simply leaves no space nor quiet time for us to even remember we have God living in us. Over time, we could go as far as to 'rent' out our dwelling to other 'tenants', such as pride, avarice, lust, jealousy, materialism, self-centredness, and plenty of others waiting in line, especially when rental prices seem to have gone down along with our spirituality and self-worth.

I do admit to being such a dwelling from time to time, when work gets too busy, friends / enemies get too many (one to vent to, the other to vent about); even the increase in church commitments can cause me to get too caught up with the task and not the One whom I'm serving. Even prior to entering the seminary, when I had already quit my job and had more free time, I would catch up with friends, catch the latest movies, and open 'pet shops' and 'flower shops' (some would know what I mean, heh), instead of giving VIP treatment to my Guest. How easily we can be so caught up with other demands and 'priorities', and forget all about the One dwelling in our hearts, waiting to give us all the goodness and love He has prepared to shower us with - if only we had the time to open our spareroom door.

But ever since I entered the seminary, and started disciplining myself to spending at least 1 hour before the Blessed Sacrament everyday to dwell in His presence as He dwells in me, I dare say no other 'guest', 'wild party' nor 'tenant' can ever give me the kind of deep, lasting inner peace and joy that my Eternal Resident does. Sure, I started out getting fidgety at first. Many times, I could be distracted by other thoughts in my mind, or worse, doze off during that 1 hour. But I've learnt from Fr Ignatius Huan, the seminary's Spiritual Father, that keeping faithful to that time spent with Christ (and not perfection of full continuous prayer) is enough to please the Lord (for even some of the greatest saints have fallen asleep during prayer). Fr Huan also taught us not to allow the distractions to frustrate us, but simply allow them to be part of my prayer, acknowledging the distraction like taking a balloon by its string and identifying its shape and colour, before letting it fly away.

And if you're complaning that you've no time, even 10 mins a day would suffice for beginners, before you increase it over time once you experience the beauty of it. What's important is fidelity. And over time, I have experienced the beautiful effects of that fidelity towards that time set aside for God. It has helped me grow more at peace with myself and others, more sensitive to His presence and His ways, more life-giving to the people around me, and more resistant against the other 'tenants' that come knocking on my door.

But do know that the effects aren't immediate. You may even go through a few days or weeks thinking it's such a waste of time. But this is where it may be compared to growing a plant, where the act of faithfully watering the plant daily does not give you any immediate outcome, but it is after a few days when you may just be pleasantly surprised with a flower bud that appears, followed by a flower blooming after a few more days of faithful watering.

And once we can truly learn to dwell in the presence of God, and allow Him to dwell in us, we can then move on to allowing ourselves to be cloaks, particularly the cloak that Jesus puts on. For when we can live our lives embracing Jesus just as a cloak rightfully embraces its owner and master as what it was made to do, we too share in Jesus' mission to cure people of their sickness (especially their spiritual sickness), just by them touching even a fringe of us, whenever we encounter people in our daily lives, even if for a minute. And once you realise how someone like you, as ordinary and seemingly worthless and dirty as a piece of rugged cloak, can do so much when you dwell in Him, the joy and peace and fulfillment can be so much greater - cloud nine if you like to call it.

So Lord Jesus,

no matter what type of cloud we are, we thank You for still choosing to dwell in us. Help us learn to dwell daily in Your presence as we allow You to dwell daily in us. Keep us faithful to the small but consistent steps we commit ourselves towards making time for You, so that You may fill us with Your love and cover us with Your precious Blood. And as we learn to permanently wrap around and embrace you as cloaks, may we be Your instruments of healing, love and compassion to those seeking You, so that more people get to dwell in Your love, as you choose to dwell in them.

Amen.

Green with envy

2010-02-05T12:44:00.001+08:00

Lord Jesus,

Yesterday, an old familiar feeling crept back into my heart - jealousy.

Being in the seminary can sometimes seem to place you somewhere 'out of this world' (literally as well as in the figurative sense whereby being in the presence of You and the loving community all throughout the day can be so heavenly). And by being 'out of this world', one seems free from all the worldly things that cause much distraction and temptation.

But yesterday, the world seemed to have come to me when the seminary became the venue for a seminar given by Fr Raniero Cantalamessa, Papal Apostolic Preacher (the only priest allowed to preach to the Pope). And the seminar brought along many familiar faces of friends and parishioners whom I met in church or through various church activities. Initially, it was a great pleasure and joy to see them again, to catch up with them, and have them assure me of their prayers and support. Yet among them was someone I looked up to alot, witnessed his great charisma and powerful gift to reach out to people and bring God to them, someone whom I joined many others in thinking that he would make a good priest, only to learn just yesterday that he was engaged and in the midst of wedding preparations.

Immediately, this brought to mind a flood of memories and feelings of how I once had my own marriage plans, to serve God together with her, to be a model of fidelity and service to others as a married couple. Yet all these went up in smoke when You later called me to the priesthood, called me to sell everything, called me to leave behind my dreams and the broken pieces of my heart. Why me? Why can't I be like him, to serve the church as a soon-to-be married man? It didn't help when later on I met other married couples whom I knew were also serving the church and their communities in wonderful ways.

I felt like superman pinned down by the green rays of krptonite jealousy. I started to feel the tiny resentment towards You, the micro-doubts of my call, and my yearning for marriage creep up and grow onto me all over again. Like I said, it was an old familiar feeling.

But like in all superhero stories, even though superheroes have their weaknesses and times of distress themselves, they always have a friend to count on, and in my case, that would be You, the One who came to save the day, in a very timely and immediate way. After the seminar, as I went back to my room carrying the uneasiness, discomfort, and heart ache of my situation, I sat in my room to pray the Divine Office, and You spoke these words to me:

Psalm 127
"Blessed are all who fear the Lord
     and walk in his ways.
The food you have worked for, you will eat
     God's blessings will bring you good things.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
     within your heart.
Your children will be like olive shoots,
     seated round your table."

I immediately teared at Your reminder that my 'wife' will be found in my heart that is brimming and burning with love not just for one spouse, but for Your Bride - Your Church. And my 'children' will be seated around the Table of the Lord should I one day receive the gift of preisthood to celebrate mass for my 'children'. At once, I was truly touched by Your powerful and deep affirmation and assurance of Your call for me, and that I will be blessed with good things when I walk in Your ways.

And as if to further show me that You are never outdone in generosity, later during the day, I was reflecting on the readings for the memorial of St Agatha in preparation for mass the next day, (although I found out later those were not the correct readings, but somehow You allowed me to make this mistake for a purpose):

First reading (Corinthians 1:26-31)
"Take yourselves, brothers, at the time when you were called: how many of you were wise in the ordinary sense of the word...? No, it was to shame the wise that God chose what is foolish by human reckoning, and to shame what is strong that he chose what is weak by human reckoning..."

You reminded me that while it may seem foolish or insane in the eyes of the world for me to have given up my relationship and my desires for marriage to do the will of the Father, in Your eyes You see ahead of time the greater plan that You have uniquely called me to submit to. And while it may seem weak in the eyes of the world not to gain total control of my life and to do whatever I want, in Your eyes it is only when I humbly surrender and give total control to You who knows best, do I then gain greater joy and peace than if I were to do things my way.

Gospel reading (Luke 9:23-26)
"To all Jesus said, 'If anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him renounce himself and take up his cross every day and follow me. For anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake, that man will save it. What gain, then, is it for a man to have won the whole world and to have lost or ruined his very self?..."

Fr Cantalamessa, whom I had the privilege of sitting in for the seminar he was giving that afternoon, mentioned that every other religion begins by telling people what they must do to obtain something great. Christianity, however, begins by telling people what God has first done for us, by sending You, His only Son, to come humbly down to earth to suffer and die for our sins in order for us to freely receive salvation. Indeed, it has been my experience over the last 3 years of painful struggle and discernment, that the greatest reason why I continue to walk this path amidst the sacrifices and feelings of pain and jealousy from time to time, is that You first loved me, and continue to love me faithfully and totally, which overwhelms me such that there is no better response from me than to answer Your call as my way of loving You in return. And by suffering and dying on the cross for me, You showed the way first, so that I too may follow You, sharing in Your suffering and carrying of my cross, in order to also share in Your glory and victory over sin and death. And for this reason, I am willing to be a LOSER to the world, to LOSE my life for Your sake, in order to GAIN eternal glory, peace and joy in time to come.

So thank you once again, my Lord, for the above reminders that have dispersed the discomforting rays of kryptonite and allowed me to once again be renewed in my commitment and desire to renounce of myself, to take up my cross everyday and follow You, in the path that You have planned for me. And at the same time, to be happy for others in the path that You have planned for them, praying that they too be faithful in their path. May we all learn to

"Set (our) mind on the things that are above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:2)

so that wherever we are, not necessarily only in the seminary, we receve the power to fly out of this world, away from earthly things, and remain in the "out of the world" experience of Your infinite love.

Curse You!

2010-02-01T21:27:00.001+08:00

Reflection on today's First reading (4th Monday of the year): 2 Samuel 15:13-14,30,16:4-13

"As David was reaching Bahurim, out came a man of the same clan as Saul’s family. His name was Shimei son of Gera, and as he came he uttered curse after curse and threw stones at David and at all King David’s officers, though the whole army and all the champions flanked the king right and left. The words of his curse were these, ‘Be off, be off, man of blood, scoundrel! the Lord has brought on you all the blood of the House of Saul whose sovereignty you have usurped; and the Lord has transferred that same sovereignty to Absalom your son. Now your doom has overtaken you, man of blood that you are.’"

I remember back in Primary school, during a dance rehearsal for a class item we were putting up for Teachers' Day, I got into an argument with a classmate, who apparently was jealous I got to stand in the middle for the dance item. 'F*** YOU!' he ended up saying to me. Stunned, but with the defensive pride and fiery angst of a 10-year old, I returned those same words with greater defiance and a glare in my eyes, before turning away and walking off. It must've looked cute seeing two 10-year olds staging a scene you normally see in adult fights. Oh you don't think adults can be that childish? Trust me.

Anyway, as the years went by, having grown in patience, faith and love, now whenever I'm driving and receive a loud *honk* from a rude or impatient driver, I simply answer him in my heart with a 'God bless you too!' Maybe if one day I receive a middle finger, I'll probably try to think to myself, the poor guy must've been trying to make a peace sign but broke his index finger or something.

Isn't it almost natural, whenever someone does something unpleasant towards you, to react and retort back in greater defiance either in front of the person or behind his back while making judgement and bad-mouthing about him to others, plotting a way of revenge if possible? It seems almost second nature to us ever since we were young. Which is why David's response to being cursed surprised me.

"Abishai son of Zeruiah said to the king, ‘Is this dead dog to curse my lord the king? Let me go over and cut his head off.’ But the king replied, ‘What business is it of mine and yours, sons of Zeruiah? Let him curse. If the Lord said to him, “Curse David,” what right has anyone to say, “Why have you done this?”’"

Would you respond to a friend, kind enough to seek revenge on your behalf after seeing the injustice done towards you, with, "What business is it of mine and yours?" Would you even tell yourself, if this is what God allowed, though He may be powerful enough to stop anyone from harming us, who are we to question why the person did what he did to us? Who are we to make judgement and criticisms even if we know they may be wrong?

Upon further reflection, I began to see some wisdom in this. However someone acts towards an individual, the responsibility and fault, if any, of his actions lie in the person, not of the victim, even if it was sparked off by the victim. End of the day, only we answer to our own actions. And so, a better response could be to first (1) not react negatively towards the situation, by keeping cool and refraining from jumping into action without thinking, then (2) recognising that all things happen for a reason, and that God has a purpose or lesson for myself to learn from this encounter, like to learn patience and love for our neighbour, to reflect on our earlier actions that may have caused unpleasant act, or an opporunity to be Christ-like to the other person, and finally (3) to respond in the way God would want me to respond, either by ignoring and walking away (allowing God to be the one to guide and correct the person's actions in His time), or to more courageously give back greater love towards the person through a thoughtful forgiving smile or kind words that speak of genuine interest in reaching out or reconciling.

I remember a sermon given by Fr Paul Goh of SVDP last Sunday that gave an account of Archbishop Oscar Romero's encounter with one of the gangleaders of the town. When the gangleader threatened to shoot the Archbishop into a million pieces, Archbishop Romero responded with, "Even if you shoot me into a million pieces, every piece will be shouting back at you 'I love you!'" And that touched the gangleader so much that he converted to Catholicism.

Will I ever find the grace. strength and courage to love the one who hurts me? Or succumb to human instinct and act in defiance which seems so much easier and satisfying, but only for awhile, for the defiant act will only eat into us with time, and cause us to sink into the same sins of mankind, instead of rising above the situation with the self-sacrifical and unconditional love that rose along with Jesus Christ during His Resurrection.

Lord Jesus,

when faced with unpleasant situations that place us a victim of someone else's unkind actions, grant us the grace to adopt the same attitude of King David, and say in his words,

"Let him curse on if the Lord has told him to. Perhaps the Lord will look on my misery and repay me with good for his curse today.’ So David and his men went on their way."

Unclean Spirits

2010-02-01T21:14:00.001+08:00

Reflection on today's Gospel reading (4th Monday of the year): Mark 5:1-20

"Jesus and his disciples reached the country of the Gerasenes on the other side of the lake, and no sooner had Jesus left the boat than a man with an unclean spirit came out from the tombs towards him. The man lived in the tombs and no one could secure him any more, even with a chain; because he had often been secured with fetters and chains but had snapped the chains and broken the fetters, and no one had the strength to control him. All night and all day, among the tombs and in the mountains, he would howl and gash himself with stones."

Though I have no personal encounters of being possesed by an 'unclean spirit', what I have experienced are the sins and human weaknesses within me that have influenced my actions many times over the years, even progressing to the point that I seem to no longer have any strength or power to control it. These kind of 'unclean spirits' within me have also ended up causing me to bring harm to my own self. As much as I detest and try very hard not to give in to these sins and weaknesses, I get frustrated time and again over failing to do so, resulting in much shame and guilt.

"Catching sight of Jesus from a distance, he ran up and fell at his feet and shouted at the top of his voice, ‘What do you want with me, Jesus, son of the Most High God? Swear by God you will not torture me!’ – For Jesus had been saying to him, ‘Come out of the man, unclean spirit.’ ‘What is your name?’ Jesus asked. ‘My name is legion,’ he answered ‘for there are many of us.’ And he begged him earnestly not to send them out of the district. Now there was there on the mountainside a great herd of pigs feeding, and the unclean spirits begged him, ‘Send us to the pigs, let us go into them.’ So he gave them leave. With that, the unclean spirits came out and went into the pigs, and the herd of about two thousand pigs charged down the cliff into the lake, and there they were drowned."

It was much later that I realise the problem. I was depending on my own human strength alone, and focusing too much on the success rate (or failure rate more like it) of overcoming the legion of 'unclean spirits' within me. What I should really be doing is to 'catch sight of Jesus', no matter how far away I seem to have distanced myself from him whether unconsciously or cos' of my sinfulness, for His "omnipotence is not far from us, even when we are far from (Him)" - St Augustine. And not just catch a glimpse of Him, but if I were truly sorry enough for my sins and weaknesses, I should be running up to Him and falling at his feet, shouting at the top of my voice begging for His mercy and forgiveness with a truly repentant heart. Only when I depend on His strength alone, will He be able to deliver me from my sins and make me pure and spotless through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

"As he (Jesus) was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed begged to be allowed to stay with him. Jesus would not let him but said to him, ‘Go home to your people and tell them all that the Lord in his mercy has done for you.’ So the man went off and proceeded to spread throughout the Decapolis all that Jesus had done for him. And everyone was amazed."

But like I also realised, it ain't just about succeeding in avoiding sin and mistakes. More than that, I've learnt that it's mostly about my relationship with God, that the only reason I want to keep pure and clean, is to reconcile with God and be with Him and dwell in His ever-faithful goodness and love once more. And I suppose that was what made the man in the passage desire to stay with Jesus even when He was leaving.

Yet why did Jesus reject his request? To remind me that staying pure and holy in His presence, just like how I am staying in the seminary with so much time for prayer and time with the Lord that I'm able to increase my 'success rate', is not enough. Instead, after cleansing and renewing my relationship with Him, Jesus is then sending me out on a mission to "go home to (my) people and tell them all that the Lord in his mercy has done for (me). In the same way, while under-going formation in the seminary, I need to continue His mission for me and remember to bring my testimony of His love to as many as I can.

~~~~~

Lord Jesus,

as I pen down this reflection, both as a reminder for myself as well as to share with anyone who happens to read this, may You use this as Your instrument to make a difference to the lives of anyone who may need this personal encouragement in their own struggle with their own 'unclean spirits', and learn to run to you as the Prodigal Son eventually did, and turn to You for strength, direction and correction in order to be delivered from sin and re-join You in Your glorious loving presence.

Amen.

Sell Everything

2010-02-01T16:13:00.000+08:00

Lord Jesus,

Yes I know. I've hit an all-time record. 1 year, 9 months, 15 days. That's how long it's been since my last post. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I can keep up with any regular postings after this one. But I'll try. Try to break my record. I'm kidding.

Why my long absence from taking this walk with You? Mostly lack of time. Due to my countless commitments in the last few years. And maybe a little doubt that anyone will still be reading this after losing all hope that I'll ever return to update my blog after my last post on "Lost & Found", thinking I might have been lost forever. But well, now that you have found me once again, you reminded me that this walk with You ain't just about gaining readership by the millions, nor showing off the stupendous array of my ostentatious (even superfluous) vocabulary... oops, my bad... but rather, as originally intended when I took my first step with You, to spend this time firstly for You, to call to mind my daily experiences, reflections, and insights, in order to give thanks, praise and all glory unto You for all that You have given, and all that You have taken away...Blessed be Your Name! (Job 1:21). And secondly, even if for one lone stranger that You send along my way to take this walk with me, for me to share my life with, even if for a moment, I might make that difference just by taking this walk with You.

And so I'm back. Hopefully for a longer while. But I'm really glad to be back, for I really do miss these walks with You. And since I've also just embarked on a new journey of formation in the Major Seminary in preparation for Your possible gift of the priestly vocation to me, what better way to restart this walk with You, than to briefly recall the events that have happened over my few years of absence, that eventually led me on this road less travelled (that was hinted in a previous post)...

~~~~~

“Sell everything.”

3 years ago, I didn’t know what those words meant, although they kept appearing in my mind at a time when I was planning to marry my girlfriend of two years. But what I really wanted to know was if it was God’s plan for me to marry her. And through God’s promptings that were too many to ignore, that was how, and why, for some strange reason, I first stepped into the Major Seminary for a Diocesan Vocation Retreat. And that changed everything.

Of course, at the retreat, I was hoping for God to say “No” to me, with marriage still at the back of my mind. But as you may have guessed, God didn’t say “No”. Instead, He opened me up to a whole new way of life, one of dedicating my life not just to a spouse, but to the entire Church. There was some attraction deep within me calling me to make that bold sacrifice to lay down my life for others. Yet at the same time, there was also much pain deep in my heart at the thought of having to leave and disappoint someone I loved so much. Tears kept flowing throughout the 3 days as I was thrown into this painful predicament of possibly having to let go someone I treasured so much, and was even planning a lifetime with. Yet, after those same 3 days, I somehow found the peace of mind to surrender to God’s prompting to end the relationship in order to further discern my vocation.

Life after that was a roller coaster. Despite my girlfriend’s understanding and support of my decision, naturally she went through much emotional pain and struggle deep within her. And seeing her going through so much pain in turned caused me much grief and guilt, to the point that I was even resentful and angry with God at one stage. I asked Him, “If you had wanted me in the first place, why bring us together only to leave us suffering in the end?” But with time, God slowly revealed to me that if not for this relationship, I would not have realised that even after finding someone most compatible to my ideals of a life-giving, Christ-centred, lifetime companion, I still felt restless for a period, as if there was something missing in my relationship with her. As I recalled the verse of Jeremiah 29:11, where “God’s plans are not to harm us but to prosper us, to give us hope and a future”, I was reminded that only God knew what was best for the both of us. And by not answering His call, not only would I be short-changing myself from a possible fuller life, I would also be doing the same to her should God have already planned something better for her.

So with much prayers and support for each other, we persevered in submitting to the Lord’s will. In the end, God was faithful to the both of us. He gave her much strength and grace to pull through the emotional ups and downs, and eventually come to terms with it. To ease my greatest worry, she even found a God-loving partner whom she is now happily attached to. As for me, God continued to affirm me of my possible priestly vocation while serving various church ministries in the last 3 years, where I found much fulfilment and joy giving of myself for others.

And so after these 3 years, I found myself stepping into the Major Seminary for a different reason, this time to begin my formation and continued discernment of whether it is God’s plan for me to be His priest. While I am still in my first year of formation, I have found much comfort in the warm and loving community in the seminary – brothers who support, encourage and are there for me through my struggles, and the formators who have been so caring, understanding and passionate in helping us prepare for our vocation. What’s more, spending each day in the presence of the Lord and surrendering daily to His will has given me an inner joy and peace that nothing in the world, not even my previous relationships, could offer me. And for this I am ever so grateful to God to finally know what it means to “sell everything” – even the relationships that matter to me, even my dreams of marriage – in order to obtain the pearl of great price. And indeed, till today, I am joyfully discovering that for that pearl, it is truly worth selling everything.

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant searching for fine pearls. When he finds a pearl of great price, he goes and sells all that he has and buys it." (Matthew 13:45-46)

LOST & FOUND

2008-04-15T00:45:00.005+08:00

LOST:
1 x black leather-skin Braun Buffel wallet (with its BULL logo broken off - rather unfortunately)
[DAMAGE: sentimental value - as it was a bday gift from someone very special and dearly loved; finding the BULL logo broken off was already bad enough]
1 x pink IC (with my Pri 6 photo on it)
[DAMAGE: my image - after having the thief laugh at my photo; oh and $100 replacement fee *ouch*]
1 x driving license (with a more good-looking photo of me on it)
[DAMAGE: can't drive - like THAT would stop me]
1 x UOB ATM card (which was already chipped, split, and worn out)
[DAMAGE: $5 replacement fee minus depreciation value]
1 x UOB mini-Visa card (not much better)
[DAMAGE: $20 replacement fee]
1 x EZ link tertiary card (which I had to pay $11 in order to obtain the tertiary pass which I never used in the end)
[DAMAGE: $30 which I just topped up the day before *DANG*]
1 x Mount Zion discount card
[DAMAGE: 10% of the price of all future products bought at Mount Zion]
1 x TCC discount card
[DAMAGE: 10% of the price of....well you get the picture]
1 x $50 Robinsons voucher (which I got as a bday gift from my colleagues about a year ago and never got to use it, thinking I still had a year more to go before it expires in Feb 2009)
[DAMAGE: do I need to spell it out? OF COZ ALOT LAH. Those were very good colleague frens that I have!]
A stack of notes
[DAMAGE: At least $50 which I just drew from the ATM machine the day before *DANG AGAIN!*]
Some coins
[DAMAGE: can't make decisions that well]
A card that says on the front 'Don't worry about tomorrow. God is already there.' (Behind it were very sweet and encouraging words from a dear loved one)
[DAMAGE: sentimental value - as it was given by someone very special and dearly loved; unless just that phrase alone can touch the heart of the man who took my wallet and lead him to the Faith...if that's the case then 'Alleluia!']

*****

It was a dark and stormy night. No wait, that was when I lost my way. Could we rewind the tape and start all over again? Thanks officer. Sorry for the mistake. Won't happen again. Are we on now? Okay.

*pause*

It was dark. April 14th 2008. 5.25am to be exact. My alarm rang to wake me up for morning mass. Now you must be wondering why would I be waking up so early in the morning just to go to church. No? You weren't wondering, officer? Oh I see, this is a police report and such details are not relevant. I'm so sorry. This is the first time I'm making a police report. Should we start all over again? No? Just continue? Oh okay. Sure.

As I was saying, I woke up early to go to church. Now it was bad enough I didn't have enough sleep the night before - only 5 hours to be exact. No wait this IS important, officer. Just wait. You'll see later. So here I was forcing myself out of bed, forgoing some extra sleep thinking that I could start the week on a good note by going to church. What's worse was that I dozed off in church a couple of times, couldn't quite pay attention to the bible readings and didn't quite get any message from the priest's sermon.

So, feeling disappointed and guilty, I left church feeling lousy and regretted waking up that early. I could've done with 2 extra hours of beauty sleep. So, still feeling rather sleepy, I decided to take the bus to work, since that's when I usually can find a seat on the bus. You see, if I had more sleep the night before, I would've just taken the MRT then *stands up abruptly, pushing back my chair screechingly, and banging my fist on the table* none of this would ever happen!!!

*breathes heavily, then gradually breathing slows down*

Sorry officer. I got carried away. So anyway, sadly, lo and behold, the double-decker that came was packed like the church - on sundays I mean. But I managed to squeeze into it. Unfortunately I couldn't get a seat until the bus was halfway on its journey to my work place. Not wanting to lose anymore precious minutes of sleep that I could get, I headed all the way to the back of the bus on the upper deck, nestled myself into the corner of the bus on the LEFT, whipped out my handphone from my RIGHT pocket...this is important officer...please note the emphasis on certain words I used earlier...so anyway I whipped out my handphone to set my alarm in case I overslept and overshot my stop. As I was about to finish, I saw this suspicious man approaching and sat next to me. For awhile he was looking in my direction. I didn't quite know what he was staring at but I dismissed his actions and just closed my eyes and entered into dreamland....

Then suddenly I felt a vibration in my hands. It was the alarm I had set on my handphone which I was holding on to. I opened my eyes slowly, took awhile to adjust my eyes, then realised I was reaching my stop. So in a hurry, as I was reaching my hand into my RIGHT pocket, I suddenly realised that MY WALLET WAS GONE! I searched high and low, raced down to the bus driver to ask if anyone had picked up a wallet, then raced back up to the upper-deck to check again. But to no avail. The wallet...WAS GONE!!! And I highly suspect that it might be that suspicious looking person who sat next to me and kept staring. Must be waiting for me to fall into deep sleep, which usually doesn't take me very long to, before taking my wallet which must have slipped out of my RIGHT pocket while whipping out my handphone from the same pocket.

My whole world shattered at the thought of losing my wallet, all that money I withdrew or topped up, all the inconveniences and replacement fees I may have to deal with, and more painfully losing the very things which had much sentimental value to me. That made me so angry with God, cos' here I was waking up early to go to church when right after that, God allowed something unfortunate like this to happen to start off a long week ahead.

I tell you as I got off the bus in utter disbelief, I trudged my feet to work, feeling rather lost, lousy, angry, upset, with absolute no mood to even step into the office, and complaining why people who picked up my personal items like wallet and handphones always never had the heart to return it. Why do I always meet such irresponsible people! But as there was really nothing I could do to turn back time, I had to just accept it and continue walking to my office building....

*****

But now here's the funny thing, officer. As I reached my office, instead of cursing at the one who took my wallet, or blaming God for allowing something like this to happen to me, I had the thought of hoping that that person who took my wallet was really in some desperate financial crisis, and hopefully my 'contribution' did some good for that poor fella. I even typed in my MSN nick: "God bless the man who took my wallet".

I suppose I was just trying to look at my situation from a different perspective - a more positive one at that. And I suppose it did do me some good, to help me go through the day slightly easier, although the painful feeling of loss still took awhile to dissolve.

But here's the even more amazing thing, officer, which you will never believe it! I mean, this has nothing to do with the lost wallet really, but if you have the time. You sure? Ok good.

Well just a little background first. You see, I have this ex-girlfriend of mine. She broke up with me about 3 and a half years ago, for personal reasons. For about 6 months, we tried to work out a friendship after the breakup, well at least I tried very hard. But for her, it was difficult, awkward, she claimed she wasn't ready for friendship, and we usually ended up in countless quarrels. It came to a point when enough was enough, and I decided to totally let go of any hope that we might be friends anymore, and hence deleted her from my MSN list and stopped all contact with her ever since.

The total cut-off did do me alot of good in fact. It helped me move on so much easier, and soon I began enjoying life as a single, and before I knew it, I met someone else, we got together, and that's a whole different story altogether. But I did get over my ex-gf, and no longer harboured any ill feelings towards her. But speak again to her I hardly did. Even if we passed each other in church, it was a mere smile-hi-bye kinda thing. No real conversation at all.

It wasn't until recently last Dec, when my ex-gf found out that I was going through a difficult period of my life, and so suddenly messaged me out of the blue on MSN to ask me how I was doing. That completely shocked me, and that was when I remembered deleting her from my MSN, and realised that it's been 3 yrs and I never added her back on MSN even though I had already gotten over her! Well, we did chat abit, and I found the awkward ice I usually felt when I meet her slowly melting away. That was last year.

Ever since that incident, I added her back on MSN but never really messaged her anymore. I suppose there was still a little fear deep down inside whether we were now ready for friendship or not. So this fear kept bugging me now and then, and the desire to message her on MSN became stronger of late. And so this leads me back to where I was in office, still nursing the emotional bruise of losing my wallet.

Suddenly, this urge just came for me to message her on MSN, using an "official matter" as an excuse for me to message her. But what followed after was a full-fledged conversation on MSN with her just like old times back in the days when we were good friends before we even got together. We shared, we laughed, we recalled old times. I was just pleasantly surprised how things turned out, and could finally be reassured and say to myself that I think we were both ready to be friends once again, after a long wait of 3 years, after almost giving up all hope that this day would actually come! (You know what the other amazing thing was? She shared with me that day that on the day she felt prompted to message me last Dec, she realised as she was writing in her journal that night, that the date was 28 Dec 2007, EXACTLY 6 years ever since we got together! Which works out to be about 3 years of relationship, and 3 years of non-contact and separation, before we once again are back as friends as we were 6 years ago! If that didn't give you goosebumps, it sure gave me lots!)

So I can't tell you how happy I was officer, that despite losing my wallet that day, at the end of the day, the pain of losing my wallet paled in comparison to the joy I felt upon finding back a friendship which I had lost and waited (subconsciously) 3 years before I found it back! And this whole incident taught me one thing, that no material loss on this planet can compare to finding back the intangibles in life that make life so much more meaningful and a joy to live in!

So you see officer, I don't really need to make this police report anymore. Cos' it really doesn't matter whether or not I find back my wallet, cos' I've just found back something much more precious which money alone can't buy. I'm sorry if I wasted your time, officer, but there is still something you could do for me, if it is within your means. I wonder if you can help me trace back to who it was who returned me my friendship with my ex-gf. I would very much like to thank him profusely for it. Ok sure, I'll give you a minute. Much appreciated.

*several minutes later*

So did you find out who it was? Oh, you don't have his full name, but you got his initials? Ok so tell me then. What is it? Oh. You sure. Wow. That's nice. His initials are really...

G.O.D.

Awesome.

*****

FOUND:
1 x (long lost) FRIENDSHIP with someone who once played a very significant part in my life
[COMPENSATION: enough joy and happiness to outweigh all the damage I suffered from the long list above]